The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I spent the weekend with the ABF. We had to spend a long time in the car and he actually brought up a quite interesting discussion about his past (and mine), his first time smoking and addiction and things. It was nice to have the conversation as we really don't have "real" conversations like I have with other people.
Well. I must say that it was very enlightening. We shared a lot of information. I have to admit that I thought at the time it was bringing us closer together. Soon after though, I realized what a ton of issues this guy has. I have plenty of my own that I have been trying to work through, still need some more help in therapy.
I guess it made me realize that I am not ready in any way shape or form to deal with this guy's stuff, especially on top of my own stuff. I don't think there is any chance of a long term relationship. Not like this. I need to get back to me and he needs to work on some of his own things. If we could be healthy singly, then maybe we could have a healthy relationship. Waaaay too many things going on in the background, let alone the foreground.
I don't know why I get the feeling that he wants me to support his blaming the world and wants me to pump him up and put up with his little "fight" starters because he has it so bad. I don't know what he wanted or wants. It's different every five minutes.
Just wanted to get this out there. I was really surprised that I don't feel closer than ever after a sort of intimate conversation. I actually feel like stepping away and letting him deal with his problems. I have been working better on my own. Whatever he says or does can't fix things for me. And there is nothing I can say or do to fix anything for him. I think he still believes it will. Even if I did and said everything he wanted, he would want something else. This does NOT fall on me. (reminds me of the egg story I just read lol)
Man. He just made me want to JUMP back to therapy. And believe me, that is exactly where I am headed.
Sound like that was really an awakening for your L. Good for you cause with that awareness you can now go and do "the next right thing" for yourself. My sponsor taught me that when I found out I was making a mistake to stop trying to push it forward and got back and correct it. I made a very bad decision for me getting into a relationship and then marrying my alcoholic. Had to go back and change it.
Sounds as if your ABF is a "needy" alcoholic wanting you to help carry his load, but you had a light bulb moment and realized you needed to take care of yourself.
I was in Al-Anon several months before I stopped kicking and screaming and realized I needed to put the emphasis on fixing me rather than the alcoholic in my life. Fixing me meant I had to change. Change what I had been doing and getting zero results. Looking back makes me realize how sick I was. I ask myself now why was it so hard to stop doing what wasn't working for me and had never worked.
It doesn't matter if you call it awareness, a light bulb moment, or the realization that you want to change the directions your life has been heading. You realized you needed to take care of yourself. Continue to keep the focus on you.
Very interesting Jerry. I have been thinking a lot about how much more time I want to invest in this. Kind of like the old "throwing good money after bad". I still have some good years left and I am not getting any younger. How far back do I want to end up going? This is one thing I am asking myself.
Thank you RLC. I often lose sight of this. I do well and it seems to easy to fall back into the rut. It is the same thing over and over. Maybe the good lasts longer, or sometimes even shorter. Seeing the pattern and breaking it are two very different things. I hope I can be strong enough to move forward. Seems like laziness not to.
Thanks for the support kath. Sometimes writing things out, rereading what I am saying and taking others words of wisdom makes a big difference.
