The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was so angry at my AH that I said some very hurtul words to him. I wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurting. I made amends but the damage is done. He won't be able to forget the hurtful words I said, that is what he told me. I realize my expectations of this marriage are crazy and I must let go of them. Insanity for me is that I keep expecting him to be this family man and this wonderful husband who wants to grow with me and spend time with me. I am very angry because this is not happening. And I keep getting angry over and over again(INSANITY) It is difficult for me to say that I could have ever loved him, as I don't think I have ever really loved myself. So I wonder if I have just used this man to fulfill my need as a caretaker? I need to be kind to myself because to me that is evil. I must forgive myself for doing that to another human being. Not really sure where to go from here. Don't really know myself, don't really know my husband. I'm living and breathing literature today just to keep myself going. All I wish for is happiness. I don't know how to not let him control me. He tries to control me every step of the way. I feel his manipulations toward me and I become so angry. I see the way he manipulates others. The only way I know how is to stay away from him. I'm done with this "love" business. I guess I can quote the line in Forest Gump when she says to him " you don't know what love is". That's me.
Please be gentle with yourself because no one is really going to. I don't think it's unreasonable to have expectations of a healthy partner who wants to share in a healthy marriage with you.
As to the manipulations, that may never change. I divorced a sociopath which is a master manipulator. Frighteningly manipulative. I had to go no contact with him. There is a police caution in place and if he ever even tries to email me he will be arrested. Manipulation is abuse, it is not love. The anger is good, it's your mind and body letting you know that something is very, very wrong. When I tried to suppress my anger, I ended up with a rash that looked like an allergic reaction. My entire body was screaming at me to save it from this man.
I'm not saying that you have to go the same route as me but really look at his behaviour, how it makes you feel and is there a realistic possibility for change. Then decide what you should do.
But I do recommend to anyone and everyone this: do not expect the choices of others to make you happy, only your choices can do that.
Kath we can only do this recovery/program one step at a time and in the beginning we stumble. The journey is one of progress never reaching perfection so it is that way...slow. When I tried to rush my own recovery and to get it all now or yesterday I got no where other than back into frustration, confusion and anger. I was so close to terminal when I got into Al-Anon that I am grateful I didn't want to trust my own thinking any longer. With a sponsor, one step at a time always surrendered to a power greater than myself. Real growth doing the apology/amends...real growth.
Kath, I am right there with you. I am living in the insanity. I am realizing now that I may have to do the thing I didn't want to do. I also sometimes feel as if I have taken him hostage so I can "take care" of him. I am not easy on myself on days like this, it was nice to read you post though, take heart, it helped me! I can see in myself the very things you talk about. You are not alone! I am working this program the best I can right now and I remember many times people here saying "When in doubt, don't" and "remain calm". Also the whole "don't react" thing. I am working on those things right now, because I am in doubt and I have no idea what to do. I only know I need to get through today, there is a large snow storm coming here again, so I will probably be home tomorrow. Anyway, be gentle on yourself... Take care :) HUGS!!!!!!!!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
