The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
On Dec. 21, my diabetic AH was drinking all day, so that evening he got really weird with me at about 8:30 p.m. I told our 8 year son that it was time for us to go to bed & my AH would not let us down the hallway to our bedrooms. Long story short, I called a neighbor to come over because I didn't want to be alone with him & he was really scaring our son with his yelling. My neighbor ended up calling the cops and he was taken away. Spent the night in jail and now he can have no contact with me as long as this case is open. He is living with his sister & can have contact with our son, but cannot be alone with him. Last week, he took $800 out of our bank account and when I called his sister to ask him what he did with it because our account was then overdrawn. All he said was "I needed it". Turns out, he got himself a lawyer and thinks he has a case. There were 4 witnesses to his behavior including our son who wanted to give his take on what happened that night. He admitted to drinking all day to three of our neighbors. I just can't believe how sick he really is. I've been with him for 11 years and he has been bad the last 5 years. My family and close friends are telling me enough is enough and that I should find my own lawyer and be done with him. My parents will help me pay for a lawyer.
My next quesiton is has anyone acquired a lot of debt in your marriage? We have & I'm nervous because I don't know what is going to happen. Our family & friends have no idea how financially strapped we are. That is the only piece of me that wants to stay married because I can't make it on my own. But that is not a good reason to stay in this relationship. I have a little boy that can't live in this situation anymore.
My XAH use to go out on binges, he hardly took any money out of the bank accounts, but he did scare me to the point that what if he decided to start using the money in the accounts to live and drink on, as occasionally he would go to the ATM, when I would throw him out.
When he got really at his worst, this is what I did. I transfered all the money into my checking account, including the savings. The XAH had a DUI that cost almost 30,000. , I did end up separating from him, but I was in control of the money. I gave him the money for his DUI, that was his part of his money, I also gave him 10,000. , which would have paid off his car, but his choice was too drink it away, so they repo'ed his car. His choice. Protect yourself.
I never gave him another dime, the rest of the money was mine. He never said a word, I was completely fair with him.
As far as what your going to do about your marriage, he is still the Father of your son, he is still a human being. Dont listen to anyone, and make your own choices. Stay with Alanon , attend some meetings before you make a big decision.
I acquired a lot of debt when living with my now exAH. He did, too - in fact, he's been in collections for a very long time - his credit is completely shot.
My credit is not shot, despite the load of debt I have - but it's only because I've always made an effort to stay on top of my payments, pay more than the minimum and pay on time. I did finally have to get real with myself, however, and I got myself a second part-time job almost a year ago because I knew I wanted to start paying off the debts. They were my responsibility because they were in my name. (Thankfully the exAH's debts that are in collections are all under his name only.)
I really decided getting the second job was my facing the music and owning up to the trouble I'd gotten myself into. Yes, a lot of that debt grew because I was usually holding us afloat on our bills with my credit cards because the exAH chose to spend his money on booze and other frivolous items. But because I wanted electricity and a roof over my head, I was willing to shoulder the debt.
I'm not with him any more... I did stay with him for a while thinking that I had to because I thought I couldn't survive on my own on a single-person income. I really had to weigh what was more important, though - my personal well-being at the sacrifice of having to live some place smaller and do without certain luxuries, or continue living with my AH whose disease was progressing and putting him into more and more situations that would ultimately be extremely dangerous for me. And I really do feel I was putting myself through a slow and agonizing suicide living with the AH. Every day just hurt living with his disease.
In Al-Anon we do not give advice on what to do with others relationships. I've found for myself it's not fair to put that kind of power and control on some one else's shoulders.
The only advice I'd offer is to keep getting yourself to face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. When things are getting really painful, get to more meetings than you usually attend. If you don't have a sponsor, get one and start officially working the steps with that sponsor. Your answers will come.
I shared my experience with you just to let you know what I went through with the disease. If you choose to stay or leave, it's ultimately up to you because it's your life. But I understand what it's like, as do many of us here and in the meetings.
I'm so sorry this is happening -- and very relieved that you are no longer in danger from your volatile AH. It sounds as if the insanity of the disease has really overwhelmed him.
My AH was a compulsive spender and completely careless about money, among other things. He also had DUIs and lawyer's costs and things like that, and never would admit to me what the costs were. He was always broke and in debt. He declared bankruptcy, got offered more credit (why companies do that I'll never understand), and now is on the verge of declaring bankruptcy again, because his debts are sky-high.
I got my finances separated from his as soon as I caught on to what was happening.
You say, "That is the only piece of me that wants to stay married because I can't make it on my own." Maybe you haven't been supporting yourself in recent years, but of course you can make it on your own. (I'm not saying it's easy, just that we often tell ourselves how powerless we are, when really we have power.) I think not being tied to someone who is in debt, irresponsible with money, and spending lots of alcohol would make it easier to support oneself, rather than harder.
I hope you can get to some meetings. It sounds as if you have a lot of clarity about the situation, but it's not easy and we get sucked into the insanity even when we don't realize it. You deserve all the support you can get. Hugs to you.
My A and I split three times in total. The first time I was responsible for all of the debt as everything was in my name except for two loans that he refused to aid in paying. His credit was shot due to those two loans going into arrears. Mine did have a black mark, but the loan companies provided me letters of reference as I was responsible and paid it on my own.
I was afraid I couldn't make it on my own. Turns out I was much better off on my own without my A spending lots of money. I budgeted and started a day care out of my house so I could be with my son and not have to pay for day care for him. Best thing I ever did.
I now know I can make it on my own quite successfully. I just had to be pushed in the right direction.
I hope you are doing something to protect yourself financially from him taking funds again.
If your parents are willing to help out with the lawyer bill that is great. I would take anyone up on the offer of aid at this time.
I would also go to many f2f Al-anon meetings. Might be a good idea to do that before making any life altering decisions.
Working a program will aid in guiding you and I can say it is unlikely you will be so scared and frustrated.
My AH has been a diabetic for 20 years and still drinks. He has multiple problems now with his health and I wonder from day to day how long he can survive. I have my own savings account now and try to save as much as possible. We have a business together which makes things complicated. His credit is shot. I stayed and reluctantly feel I cannot leave him now in his present state of illness. When I could, I didn't, which I regret. I've lived lots of abuse. I've lost a son because of the A, and am close to loosing another son. It hasn't been worth it! I wish I had not let this disease encompase me. For me I think it's too late to get out, but if I had the chance to do it over...I would have taken care of myself better and moved on. I had that chance in the early 90's with the help of Alanon and many others. Bless you.
