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Hi everyone, I haven't been posting and reading on here and going to meetings as much lately (last few weeks)... been busy (just me making excuses to justify what I know leeds to no good!)... and so, low and behold, I fall right back into my old patterns! Guess I needed to prove to myself, yet again, that nope, can't do this on my own, can't summon the strength and courage and patience ect.. on my own.
As some of you may remember, my AH was in detox over the holidays, he's been back home for a week....and he goes to a 28 day in patient rehab place tomorrow.
Friday afternoon I spoke to AH on the phone before coming home from work...I thought maybe he had been drinking, then I felt crazy cause I wondered if I was just listening for it, looking for it, too hard - and maybe he wasn't drinking...maybe I was just crazy looking for the signs so hard that I imagined them.. ugg! It was a good week of him back from detox... then Friday, not so good.
I stared at him, smelt him, analyzed him.....was he drunk I wondered? Yep.. then there I go hurdling full force back into crazyville! There I go focusing on him, ignoring myself, not paying enough attention to my daughter, feeling guilty about that, feeling SO guilty about that. I hate that instead of enjoying a friday night with my daugher, I was crazy and focused on my AH wondering if he was drunk or not, looking for signs! I was supposed to get my daughter from my parents house at 6, I didn't get her till 8 cause I was too busy losing my mind!
I don't know if AH was drunk or not, he probably was just because I thought something was off.
But, here's the 'event' that drove me insane. I mean insane. I mean I went nuts. I sat in the car and cried for 30 minutes, I pounded the stearing wheel looking like a crazy person, I yelled, I threw a tantrum, I looked like I belonged in a straight jacket locked up in a padded room.
I noticed on my NEW kitchen island, that there was some weird thick liquid spilled on it. (it was the scent smelly stuff from a reed diffuser as I noticed the level of the reed diffuser liquid had gone from full to empty and I know this cause I had flipped the sticks that morning before work). I noticed it had been kinda cleaned up, but not really, I noticed that it was eating away at the piece of wood shelf that was sitting on the island...that it was staining the granite. I noticed in the garbage can a paper towel that smelt like the scent of the reed diffuser....
So, I asked AH nicely what happened, did he spill the diffuser. He looks at me with a stupid look on his face and says: "oh, no but I wipped something up" - then he goes to show me the paper towel from the garbage can. I said the paper towel smells like the scent of the diffuser...so did you spill the diffuser?? "no, ug, no... I don't know what you're talking about, nothing spilt". I said: "ya, you just showed me the paper towel and you said you wiped something up". AH says: "the first time I saw the paper towel, you showed it to me". !!!! AHHH I said: "no, you went and showed it to me". AH says: "no..what are you talking about, ok fine, I spilled it, are you happy now, fine, I take all the blame and responsibility for everything". I said: "You realize you can't take responsibility for everything when you only sarcasticly admit to it, then take it back, that's not taking responsibility". AH says: "what do you want Danielle, tell me what you want me to do" whine whine whine, then he stormed away.
AHHHHH!!!!! I wanted to rip out all my hair and scream and throw things and kick him and punch him. I felt insane. I felt like I had lost control, and to prevent myself from doing anything stupid, I fell to the kitchen floor and cried and looked at a wall for an hour.
I don't know if AH was drunk then, it was not obvious like it usually is, but I thought maybe he was cause he was being so ridiculous. Why does he lie about something so stupid and petty????
no no no I should be asking....why did I focus on him and his behavior instead of me? I better run to a meeting:)
I am looking forward to AH going to rehab and having some peace around here...being able to feel at ease.
Great share!!!!. Such honesty and insight into your own triggers. I admire your growth and ability to be in the moment and have the feelings (very familiar by the way) and not act on them. I found that crying and bringing it here and owning it are both very powerful tools that helps to relieve the pain of this insane disease.
I am so glad he will be in his in patient program soon and you can again regain your focus and serenity
Oh I have been there before. My relapse was a long one and the whole time I was upset with my A because I felt he was relapsing. :)
It is great that you recognized it so soon. It really doesn't matter where my A is at in life or his program when I concentrate on myself. When I work my program it takes care of so many issues.
thank god this programme is progress not perfection. Some days I am really on my programme and others I can totally relapse just as you say. My sponsor told me a week without a meeting makes you weak. Sounds like you know what you need your al anon medicine. You have come on here with such honesty and are going to go to a meeting, have you any al anon phone numbers I find these useful if I have to waite a couple of hours for a meeting. hope you get back on trach soon.
(((((Danielle))))) Work a 10th on it...quick! That is a relapse; a very good one at that and may be he didn't use but you did. That happens lotsa times and in my very own home also. Microscoping the drunk...power and control tactics...Al-Anon finger wagging...shooting myself in the foot and "getting myself real good". There I showed me!! Try a tenth step on it...one for him and one for you then go ask your sponsor for a new copy of the manual.
Been there...done that and am practicing my way out of it. (((hugs)))
I am absolutely amazed at the silly things A's will lie about. Last week my ADad came over for dinner, and afterward we were having tea so my ABF was preparing it. He asked my dad how much sugar he took, and my dad told him half a teaspoon. ABF remarked, "That's the same way as I take mine, half a teaspoon". Well, I've prepared tea for ABF many times, and I know he takes a teaspoon and a half of sugar. I have no idea what purpose that lie served, and it doesn't really matter. On the How Important Is It? scale, that one is pretty close to zero. I chose to say nothing, and focus on my gratitude that he had pitched in to help serve the tea.
Can't say that I would react so positively if it was something more aggravating like a damaged countertop, however! But your share is a good reminder to me that I have to practice, practice so I have my tools at hand -- and maybe I should be careful where I put the reed diffuser.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Thanks everyone for your replies. :) I will try to go to as many meetings as I can while the AH is in rehab.
It's weird, AH is taking this seriously, taking steps to get better..wants to get better, I see he's really trying hard - but, I feel like I'm losing it (at times). Makes no sense!
It's scary cause I feel I'm at a crossroads - AH either stays sober, or, not. I'm so absolutely Fed up that I know I'll kick him out if he starts drinking again. The thought of that possibility, scares me and my first thought is to "protect" AH from drinking. Which, I KNOW I can't do!
ythannah - who know why they lie about such silly things. I suppose we will never know! Yes... hahah, be careful where you pu the diffuser! ;)
I have no idea what purpose that lie served, and it doesn't really matter. On the How Important Is It? scale, that one is pretty close to zero. I chose to say nothing, and focus on my gratitude that he had pitched in to help serve the tea.