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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been with my bf for almost two years. He has about 20 years dry but only really started working the program about six or seven months ago. I still have to work my program very hard around him due to his mood swings, attitudes and oftentimes anger issues. It isn't perfect but we both are trying to recover. He tragically lost his 21 year old son recently. It has been a difficult time to say the least. I have been there for him, even though I'm not always sure what is right or wrong to say or do. The other night I tried to approach him about a particular issue in our relationship and I saw that he was not really communicative. I sort of pushed it when I insisted that we try and discuss it together. He immediately snapped at me and threatened me that if I didn't 'xxxx' move off the 'xxxx' sofa that he would throw me off the 'xxxx' sofa. I got up and went to the kitchen and cried. I was stunned! He has never spoken to me like that before and certainly never threatened me before. I politely asked him to leave and we hadn't spoke for days.
Since then, I have realized that I should not have forced the issue. The timing, on my part, was terrible. I did leave him a voice message and email saying that I was sorry that I pushed him to talk at this particular time etc. I left it at that. Last night, I was checking my email and noticed an email from him. All it said was: I LOVE YOU......... He did try to call me today at home, but to be honest, I don't know that I am ready to have a conversation with him. I know I did the right thing by owning my part, but since he hasn't said anything about losing his temper or apologized for doing so...I am sort of skeptical about even talking at this point. Some friends have suggested that I give him a free pass due to the circumstance of his son's death. However, I feel that I can't just let it go completely. I feel that a boundary needs to be set. I also am not sure that he thinks he did anything wrong or will even apologize. This makes me very uncomfortable. I am proceeding with caution here. So, I am reaching out here to my recovery friends and asking for suggestions on how I might handle this situation, respectfully, in order to take care of myself, without controlling or trying to ellicit an apology from him. I want the apology, if there is one to come, to be given freely, as a result of his own realization. I am not sure how to go about handling things at this point. Any words of wisdom are welcome. Thanks!!
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 10th of January 2011 12:11:56 PM
Just a thought and I could very well be wrong but maybe he is trying to talk to you to apologize. i am sure he sees his part in it and that he was wrong to treat you so disrepectfully. so maybe give him that chance. If he does not apologize then personally I would calmly tell him that he had crossed a boundary with you by being disrepectful and in the future you will not tolerate that behavior. My heart goes out to him for the loss of his son, that is my worst nightmare and I can't honestly tell you how i would act should i lose a child....I am sure my behaviors would be much like his moody ( to say the least ), uncommunative ( because he is seriously trying to work this whole thing out in his head) and probably alot of inappropriate behaviors. However, i do not believe he gets a free pass on his behavior, but maybe a chance to explain Hope that helped some Blessings
Hi, Thanks. I agree with you on much of what you have to say. I did, in fact, get a phone call from him this evening. I decided to be fearless and answer. I spoke with him and told him that I was actually hesitant at first about speaking with him because I didn't want to chance listening to him justify HIS behavior in any way. I told him that although I was willing to own my part and apologize for it, I was pretty skeptical about putting myself "out there" for anyone who couldn't/wouldn't/ or can't do the same. I told him that this kicked up too many feelings from the past from a prior relationship for me and now I had a fear factor. He became very quiet and after a few moments, completely changed the subject and asked me what else I was doing/what else was new?!!!! I really had nothing to say to him at this point. I do not wish to jeopardize my serenity. I actually had a good, peaceful weekend. When I was on the phone with him, I felt physically sick to my stomach. When I called my sponsor later on, I felt better. Before we hung up, he said, I guess I will speak with you tomorrow. I was speechless. (Baffling- this disease). I just thought to myself, "What for?"...........
Aloha Grace...Simply for me regardless of what causes a situation I don't leave myself in places where I am being threatened verbally or otherwise. When a person crosses the boundary of self control and threatens me today...I provide separation and don't attempt to reconnect until I know for certain that I am safe. The other side of that coin is that if I am threatened I can also and have gotten threatening myself and violent. So I have good and many reasons to put distance between me and the other when threats beyond my control happen. Just some ESH and suggestion. (((hugs)))
His phone call is pretty powerful evidence about his level of health and self-awareness. I'm glad you wrote it down because I often tended to forget things like that. I'd hang up from a phone conversation and feel ill, but by the next week I'd be thinking, "Oh, I miss him, our times together were so much fun." But when I went and looked at what I'd written at the time, I was completely sugar-coating the truth out of loneliness. It sounds as if you have a good grip on what's really happening.
Thanks Jerry. I think I handled things pretty well by asking him to leave when it happened. However, I know have serious concerns about this being an issue in the future. I need some recognition on his part, an apology and a reassurance that this will not happen again.
Mattie, thank you for your response. You are telling me the same thing my sponsor did. Square peg -- round hole..He is a dry drunk. So... I guess he is supposed to call me again today...???... I honestly don't know why...or if I will even answer the phone. I did leave him an email (always a nice safe place for me to communicate at a respectful distance). I told him that I will not tolerate him threatening me. It is unacceptable. I have fear factors with him now. I told him to try and put himself in my shoes ( a tall order when dealing with an A). How would he like it if I threatened to knock him down the stairs if he annoyed the heck out of me? I told him that I wouldn't stand for it. No response yet....More shall be revealed.......
