The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I didn't want to hijack Lou's post, but she was talking about having a friend dating in a dysfunctional situation and I realized that this situation has been heavily on my mind for a few weeks. My best friend is getting married next month, and I see all the signs of an alcoholic family she is marrying into and the crazy making of the non-alcoholics. The things she describe are insane, and it is very hard not to say so. It is hard to remember that it is not my business to either judge or make assumptions. My sponsor says that if I am asked for my thoughts, it is okay to give them as long as I am saying something Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind ("THINK"). That means, for me, that I stay off the soapbox about alcoholism and dysfunction, don't point out all the dysfunctional things and try to get her to see what I'm talking about, or begin to righteously believe that I have the answers or know what decisions are right for her. The last part is the hardest part. I know it's my ego, but I tend to always think I know best what someone else should do. Funny that I don't have nearly such an easy time handling my own stuff.
I think we all have to learn our own lessons in our own time.
I once said something to a friend about her marriage decisions. She balked, spoke her mind, put me in my place and we've never had a good relationship since. We weren't best of friends to begin with, but I thought we were friends. I've heard through other friends that she did get married as planned, had a child, and later divorced. So she could have been saved all that heartbreak if she listened to my advice. But she would not have her own experiences to learn from.
So in alanon speak, let go and let god.
Maybe you can keep your friendship by keeping your silence.
A second story about keeping your peace. I once had a long term relationship with a guy who was very nice and polite on the surface. We dated for a bit longer than a year. As time went on, he became very possessive. What started as feeling good that he wanted to be with me all the time turned into a constrictive situation because I didn't have my own time & space. We were on & off for a few months until I finally held my own & broke off permanently.
Several years later (yes, years) my Dad shared his opinion of that guy. I could not believe that my Dad was able to keep quiet about my relationship when there was hardly a good thing he had to say. I was living in my parents house at the time, Dad and I have always had an OK relationship, so there was plenty of opportunity to speak up, to treat my like a child (though I was legally an adult) and forbid I spend time with my friend, but that's not how it went. My family held their peace, and looking back today, I think it was best. I did, however, break up before any wedding plans, so I'll never know if Dad would have been able to bless any marriage, but I don't need to know. I do know he kept silent out of his love and respect for me.
Can you remember a time when someone tried to tell you something you didn't want to hear? I do, and because their opinion ran counter to mine, I stopped the relationship, or at best, it put a wedge between us. I know you know this, and I also know it's hard to watch someone sign up for a walk through hell. However, for me, I don't learn lessons unless I learn them for myself... no one could talk me out of what I had to learn for myself.
And yet, I am incredibly grateful for where I'm at today... I don't think my Higher Power could have reached me any other way!
I have a similar story, my daughter and I became estranged when she wanted to sign up for the military. I thought it was completely insane to enlist while we were at war and kidnapping and beheadings were making the headline news. I was gripped with fear and I could not keep my mouth shut, begging her to reconsider. My "love" and unsolicited advice had cost me my relationship with my baby, she wanted nothing to do with me. Until I accepted that this was her journey and I had nothing to do with that journey... that I was able to make amends. Today, we are very close. Thank you, God.
In my opinion, everyone on this planet is on their own journey to Higher Power. To me, addiction is just another path. Allow your friend the dignity to be on hers. It is my belief, there are no "mistakes" just "lessons." (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 9th of January 2011 03:01:27 PM
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 9th of January 2011 03:05:38 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Its always easier for me to see how other peoples situations are. I don't have to suffer the consequences of their decisions or feel their confusion
It is hard not to have opinions on outside issues....I'm far too opinionated but can easily get upset if people voice opinion about me.
I have friends in difficult situations. I can honestly say now though that the chaos and insanity that happened were learning opportunities that lead me to the fellowship of the 12 step forums. I am very grateful for all I have learned and for the people who are there for me.
Of course I wouldn't choose the bitter pills given the conscious choice. I had to learn (and am still learning)to make choices for me and not for others So if it hadn't been this I'm pretty sure higher Power would have used something else or I would have missed out completely on the opportunity to develop that relationship with higher Power
We all have our journeys and our higher powers to get to know.
My children are making choices I can see are not going to give them easy lives That might change I can't change other people places and things I can only change my attitude towards them and be supportive without enabling. They know my story and know they can ask for help if they need to. All I can do is pray that they don't have to fall too hard to reach their own rock bottoms. They are 'adult children' and so far not addicts so we have a lot to be grateful for
I hope your friend seeks out the help she needs when the time is right for her f2fmember
THanks, everyone. My sponsor says that if I am not part of the problem, then I am not part of the solution. Reminds me that if the problem is not mine, it is not up to me to fix ... regardless of my motive.
Ah if only we could pick the partners of our friends and loved ones life would be so much easier lol but we can't.... your friend will learn in time if she already hasn't that she is marrying into a dysfunctional family. And one day she may turn to you in a time of need and at that point you can plant the alanon seed, then you have to step back and let her make her own decisions. blessings
Just to add some thoughts... When I first got together with my AH, I was describing something he'd done that day to a friend of mine, and she said, "Is he an alcoholic or something?!" I was baffled, having had no experience of alcoholics. I said, "What do you mean?" She said, "Never mind." It put a little question mark in my brain, though.
Fast forward to years later, and I finally realized he was an alcoholic. I had no experience with it and didn't pick up on all the small cues, and had to wait till the behavior got really, really out of control before I got the picture. I do wish she had said, "You know, he seems like a nice guy, but I worry about what you're describing. He stopped at a bar when he was supposed to come over and pick you up for dinner, and eventually he came and picked you up but he wanted to spend the evening at the bar, and the next day he went to bars twice, and [etc.] -- what you're telling me sure makes me cautious that he might be an alcoholic. I've had some experience with them and if you want to talk more about it at some point, just give me a call."
When I finally did figure it out, my friends with An-Anon experience were incredibly valuable. I know if my friend had said something more early on, I wouldn't have left him (though I would have saved myself years of grief if I had). But I think I might have figured it out a little earlier and saved myself some grief. The fact that nobody seemed to blink at his habits made me think they must be all right. But of course they weren't.
No one flat out said I shouldn't marry my exAH, but there were a few friends who were less than thrilled. Do you think I listened to them? Of course not! I couldn't understand why they were behaving badly and why they weren't nicer to him. They could see what I couldn't. Point is, I had to learn my own lessons, like glad_lee. We all have our own path to walk. Sometimes other people can see what's coming and they might try to warn us, but we still have to walk it ourselves.
Speaking as someone who wouldn't have listened anyway, preserve your friendship. If things turn out wonderfully for your friend, you can celebrate with her. If they turn out not so great, you will be a shoulder for her to cry on and perhaps the time for a conversation about recovery will present itself.
