How will I know when to leave? - Al-Anon Family Group

alexmaui · Veteran Member

How will I know when to leave?

anewyear · Member

I can mean leaving. But that has to be what you decide, no one else will do it for you.

As to if that wakes him up, I thought it might help my husband. It did not. But I still stand by my decision as being right for me and I would never tell anyone else what is right for them.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

All decisions and boundaries we make are for us.

Any decision that you may make, if you make it thinking it will affect a change in the alcoholic it wont. All changes have to come from the A.

This I learned thru my experiences of being with the XAh for 26 years. We make the mistake of thinking there is one big fat bottom they hit. Its not so....there are many lows , and the highs, its a roller coaster ride. One can only pray to their HP that they will chose sobriety.

We must focus on our own recovery and strengths. We must gain the wisdom to decide what we want and what is best for our own life. Nobody can tell us how we must live our life.

Alanon has a program for you, its there for the taking. It works if you work it.

Luv, Bettina

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This sounds very hard. I am so sorry. It sounds as if addiction has really overwhelmed him.

I know the chaos. It's awful. My A had multiple addictions too. If he couldn't get hold of drink (or sometimes even when he could), he did the pills. He did binge-eating. He'd go on gambling streaks. His life was just a mess and I never knew where the next blast of chaos was coming from.

Everyone has different limits. I do think it's healthy not to try to endure more than is reasonable for you. We got together with our A's to lead a good life together, not to suffer endless turmoil while they keep plunging into hell, oblivious of us. If the good life is not possible with your A, you must do what you can to protect yourself.

I also know it's hard to give up on that thinking, "Will this make him stop?" It's hard to give up hope. But you caught yourself when you found yourself having unwarranted expectations.

I left my own A, and I was very, very sad. But life has been so much more peaceful afterwards. I don't know where I'd be if I were still in the center of that tornado.

Hugs to you.

alexmaui · Veteran Member

Thanks so much for your words Mattie....they mean a lot to me. When I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting it was heartening to see other men and women in the same struggle as me. I do realize that moving out will not end the struggle...But the lure of peace and quiet...and serenity is pushing me forward I've asked for help and your words and my HP seem to have answered
peace to you, too.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Your the only one that will know when its time to go -or its okay to stay. most days its difficult to love an alcoholic they certainly dont make it easy .. are you attending f2f meetings for yourself ? they will help u understand exactly what your dealing with , i was told to forget what i thought i knew about alcoholism and go with an open mine , working hard at recovering myself I told myself that if things werent better in 1 yr I would leave , luckily for me the yr came and went and i was much happier. I chose to stay in my marriage and I believe its this program that made it possible .. we have 20 yrs sobriety in our home today . I learned to get my life back and stay off the roller coaster I did not have to go on his trip with him . if you can start looking for YOUR top instead of waiting for him to hit HIS bottom life will get much easier .

liam · Member

WOW, its amazing how many of us who suffer from alcoholism at this angle, struggle at depth, with this question of what to do. I have many times. The active drinking alcoholic is almost unbearable to live with, but dry and untreated from alcoholism aint no picnic either. I know, I'm alcoholic and have had my share of just being dry and untreated, and in my opinion, its worse to be in the latter. I also suffer from this disease from the alanon angle. And have been in the emotional and spiritual wringer living with the woman I love die with a bottle in her hand, and swore, NO MORE. but still hang on, not knowing what to do. Unlike alcohol that is a non living object, my obsession now is with a breathing, living woman I love and loves me back when she can. It makes it so much harder to just dump it in the trash.
I just love what abbyal said...

"Your the only one that will know when its time to go -or its okay to stay ..... I learned to get my life back and stay off the roller coaster I did not have to go on his trip with him . if you can start looking for YOUR top instead of waiting for him to hit HIS bottom life will get much easier ."

I have only been around alanon for a little while but I started doing just that and I didnt even know it till I read this, this morning.

I have the self centered illusion that everything is going to get better all at once, and when I think like that I am always disappointed, bewildered, and dont know what to do. with out knowing it I been working for my top and not waiting for her bottom, and things got just a little bit easier, for both of us.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sad for your situation.

Have you asked yourself, "has there been any serenity or peace living with an active A?"

Living with a person with a disease is that. We see them go thru all the symptoms of that disease, using, selfishness, manipulation, lies, detox, rehab, AA, relapse, self loathing, etc. Life with an A is not easy whether they are in recovery or not. Of course much easier when they are in a strong recovery program.

When we learn to detach, loving the A, not giving the disease any energy, we can have some peace. It takes using all the Al Anon skills we can glean, until they become part of us.

It's totally an individual decision when to or if to leave. Only that person knows when they are ready. I have seen people leave to see if A changes, it does not work that way. Usually they are not ready, they come back or go back.

Its like jumping into a lake to see if someone will save you. We must be ready to swim on our own.

It's normal to want to grasp anything to get our loved one back.Its good you let your thoughts out.

It does hurt horribly to separate from one we love. In time and with work it gets better. I used to think, well he is still out there somewhere. Made me feel better. For me I had him leave or he left a couple times. I would want him back, he would work hard to stay clean, read his AA books, go to meetings, but then always relapse horribly.

I would live with him as long as I could, gleaning all the good I could. Then physical/emotional abuse came to be too much even with my al anon skills and I would have him leave again.
Until the last time when he hurt me very badly. He had only been back a couple days.

For me I don't remember much anymore. Life is now familiar with out him. For me, the man I loved so much has died. He is a monster now.

As everyone shared, we are the only ones who know if we are ready.

We are always here to support you in all your decisions!

I don't believe in having to hit bottom to want to get help. Seen too many live at a bottom. Some thrive in it just drinking, living in a tent.

Sending you lots of hugs, and hope. love,debilyn

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

You are the only one who can answer your question
But I believe if you work the program when it time for a change, be it leaving or just changing your own behviors you will know without a doubt.
Sounds like maybe you are on the fence right now, you need no make any decisions right now, or next week.
When you are ready again you will know and won't have to ask the question
Wishing you the best
Blessings

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Alex...God how the "default" solution just keeps popping up. Leaving. I've left
so many times so many addicted women and I still kept doing the same thing over
and over again expecting different results. Change the name of the game and it is
still the same game. I am beyond mere gratitude for the Al-Anon program as it taught
me to finally stop leaving and turn around and face myself. Whatever problem I
found myself in I was always in the picture...different people in there with me and still
there I was. I am the cause of all of my problems and God and the program is the
solution. When I fix me I come up with better responses rather than the same ole
same ole...default.

I suggest focusing directly on yourself for a good period of time in the Al-Anon Program and after that time, working the program as it is suggested then ask
yourself what should you do?

I knew when to leave after following the above suggestion myself. I won't tell you
how long it took for that solution to come though I've already mentioned why.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

f2fmember · Veteran Member

What ever decision I make I have to make it to get my needs met.....not to try and control or change people places or things.

I stayed with an active alcoholic as long as I could
when i couldn't do it any more it was very obvious

Just like he had to reach his rock bottom, so did I

I don't regret staying
and i don't regret leaving
And now I don't regret being back with him in sobriety

his sobriety has nothing to do with my actions though
Its a process. higher Power gets them when they are ready

so never manage it, which is tragic

But my program is for me, and is about my serenity
When I hand my serenity away I know I've lost focus on my needs

f2fmember · Veteran Member

thats meant to say SOME never manage it.
How do you edit posts I've forgotten

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

when I left the ex A he in fact got much worse. For a time I felt responsible for him and helped him out. At the same time I was working a program so I did not get as enmeshed with his crisis as I did before.

There is no easy cut and dried way out of a relationship with an A. There is a way to live with whatever you choose to do and that's by embracing a program and focusing on yourself.

Of course that sounds incredibly hard when you are around someone who is self destructing and pulling you down with them. Detaching was incredibly hard for me at the beginning. I have lessons in detaching every single day.

I'm so glad you are here and can talk about this issue.

Maresie.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think for me the courage to change the things I can was actually not about leaving (although I did leave the ex A). The courage for me was to look at myself, to look at my issues rather than drown in his. I had my own many many ways of being self destructive they were not as flamboyant as his but there was a reason I "matched" up with him and it wasn't all about me trying to save him.

Maresie.

alexmaui · Veteran Member

Thank you all for those words and encouragement...I've started the process of leaving. Found a little house 2 miles away from this home I love. My AH is distressed now that he knows. I keep
telling him it will be ok and he will get stronger w/o me. My favorite responses from him were..
"I can stop drinking...I've done it lots of times before." (and then started drinking again)
and "I wish you had told me this 20 years ago before we got married." ????
and "Who is going to take care of the house?" Make me wonder why i didn't leave last year.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt
until they are too strong to be broken. ----- Samuel Johnson

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. ----- Samuel Johnson

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt
until they are too strong to be broken. ----- Samuel Johnson