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I heard someone say once at a meeting if an alcoholic is talking, he is probably telling a lie. Everyone chuckled. So I guess I forgot that a dry drunk often lies also. My husband took a job in the fall where he works all weekend long. I take care of our 2 very small children all by myself. When we were discussing this job, he said that he would spend time with me and the family in the evenings. He said he wouldn't just spend all his time downstairs in his man cave because he knew that would make me mad. So I believed him. Here we are a few months later and he is spending all of his evening time (after dinner of course) down in the man cave. What is the point of being married when you never see each other to have a relationship? I realize I am very angry right now because I believed his lie. How could I have been so stupid? I am mad at myself for believing him. When I asked him to stay upstairs with us tonight, he replied, "Progress not perfection." Maybe he did listen at a few of those AA meetings he went to a long time ago. But what was the progress? Was it that he came upstairs for five minutes to tell me that I was not going to have a snow day from school tomorrow? Does he really believe that is some kind of progress? Thanks for letting me vent.
Dealing with a dry drunk is the same as dealing with an active A as far as thier behavior is concerened. He may not be drinking but still has all the same behaviors, until he accepts recovery and learns new behaviors this is life for you....lies and all It is still his disease talking not the person Please keep going to meetings if you are already doing so, if not then get yourself to meetings...let him watch the kids for a while Talking care of you and your children is all you have control over right now. Wishing you the best Blessings
My spouse also gets that attitude with me because I am not in the living room with her while she watches her shows. So I go in at times...days on end and sit and try to pay attention...the injustice of it is that she has rarely if ever taken an interest in what I do and how I do it and doesn't ask questions about my endeavor. That sucks and even if I mention that she will come up with a justification which supports her behavior rather than make the effort. She also is very fear based and lying and justifications come very naturally with that. Serenity Prayer on cue. ((((hugs))))
Maybe you need to reconnect outside of the home - ask him for scheduled date nights. They need not cost much. You can take walks in the park, just drive to the park and sit in the car. My library has several private meeting rooms where we can talk and be together.
If you are having trouble talking to each other, go to an event - bowling, a museum, a movie, a game, skating. Then you can spend time together but not have to talk about the issues. Keep the chatter to small talk for now.
Home is a very comfortable environment, it's easy for each of you to fall into a regular routine unconsciously just because it's the way things have always been. Shake it up, move your together time onto neutral territory.
When I stop expecting things, I stop feeling resentful and angry. I really work hard on this and even though I still have times of placing expectations on people, and then feeling mad after they don't do what I "think" they should, I am now more quickly back to my recovery.
I have also found that when I actually ask for what I want in a non-attitude way, I get what I am asking for. If I say "will you please come hang out with me and the kids" instead of hoping it will happen, not voicing an opinion, and then getting mad because he didn't read my mind, things work better. Even making a compromise of him being with you guys for a while, then doing some stuff on his own and then you two coming back together after the kids are in bed? I know my ex husband (a rage-aholic) and I were not able to work this out. With my new alanon tools, I am able to do this with my bf. Take care of you!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
