More of the same? - Al-Anon Family Group

NCSUgeology · Veteran Member

More of the same?

ms621 · Member

You and your brother will most certainly be in my prayers! You can not do anything about his actions. He must make his own choices. I understand that you want to help him. If it were my brother, I would want to "protect" him from any mistakes he might make. But alas, it is not your job. Your job is you, and only you.

One thing that resonates with me is this comment from my Mother, a recovering alcoholic, 5 years sober now. While she was drinking, from the time I was about 13 until age 27, I tried EVERYTHING. Every approach, every tactic, EVERYTHING. And not only once, I tried everything three and four times over (14 years gives you time to do that!).

A few years ago I asked her, "I tried everything to help you stop drinking. What could I have done that I didn't do, that would've done the trick?"

Her answer: "NOTHING."

NCSUgeology · Veteran Member

I have learned that I can't change his behavior. His choices are his choices. He's made a lot of bad choices in the past. The past two times he was out, he was drinking once he was left alone.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe a solution would be to have him dropped off in front of an AA meeting when he
gets out of jail. First things first is a workable solution. He will get the best support
from another sobering alcoholic...He might not want it at first because alcohol may
still be firmly in the drivers seat. Get him there and leave for an Al-Anon meeting
yourself.

In support ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My thought is, the disease is in control, asking for a new place to be comfy and drink.

Remember the definition of insanity? I know I know but I am going to say it again, "It is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome."

So are you into emptying another apartment?

Apparently he learned nothing in jail but to be taken care of. He's back to better health and ready to go at it again.

A person can get their own lodging, get their own help. Its like buying a kid a bike or allowing him the experience and dignity of doing it on his own. On his own he takes care of it better, and he feels pride for what he accomplished.

We do not help the A by doing "anything" for them sober or not. Remember being sober is not in recovery. Its still a very, very sick person ready to suck you dry.

My prayers are that we as non A's stay out of the A's business to allow them to make it on their own.

Us praying for him does not mean half as much as him praying for himself.

You are a good, loving brother.
At the bottom of my post there is a site to find meetings for you.

Hugs to you and brother, debilyn

2nice4_2long · Member

This is how I would (and have) handle the situation?
Since he asked for your help, I figure you can do a little.
You're goal is only to keep him warm & dry & off the streets, not to set up his life for him. Don't invite him to your home (he'll want to stay); go to a donut house with a pay phone to talk. Bring a list of shelters & phone numbers with you. If he's accustomed to borrowing money, bring a roll of quarters for the pay phone. Give him the list and let him call to find himself a room. [My sib didn't have much phone experience so wouldn't call but did agree to go to the shelter if I called, so I called and got her a room.] Then we dropped her off at the shelter, made sure we were in the right place & left.

If he doesn't think this is enough help from you, then just ask where he would like you to drop him off; do it quickly and skedaddle. Don't let them have any of your money either. The problem is theirs, not yours.

A good shelter will have strict rules in place to enforce sobriety, they will help with savings programs to save money for getting an apartment, and help with all sorts of administrative things that the A needs help with. Drop him at the shelter whether he likes it or not, and let the shelter do their job. Limit your contact with him to about once a month. That will allow you to keep in touch without setting up too much of a dependency cycle.

Shelters aren't fun because they don't put up with the whining A's behaviors. "Follow the rules, or lose your spot" - it's a lot of pressure for them, but just like our programs - it works if they work it.

It's not the help he's asking for but when we pray to our HP's, we don't always get exactly what we think we asked for - do we?

After thought- when he leaves the first shelter he chose, and asks for your help. If you feel you must help, just show up with the shelter list again and a roll of quarters. It will take a few times before he realizes you are serious that this is all the help you can provide.

-- I can't completely ignore my sib. We are currently her only family contact. We want to keep in touch, we get together for a few hours once a month. The only help we provide is to call shelters for her when she finds herself cold and homeless. We live in another state, so once a year if she's doing well, we'll buy a train ticket and hotel room so she can visit us. I must say that at the moment, things are good. She is maintaining a tiny apartment with a roommate. It's been about 18 years since our first call to a shelter. I can't count how many she's walked out of. But one of them finally got her on a good path. Everyday I pray that the calm continues. --

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