Feeling so sorry for the ExA - Al-Anon Family Group

sdisnie · Senior Member

Feeling so sorry for the ExA

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Shanda, that makes perfect sense! That is what I was reading about in the book The New Codependency... and the book Getting Them Sober. We can't fix them, we want to, but we cannot. We are powerless over everyone and everything but ourselves. You have probably seen this already with your oldest moving out and growing up. Having to let go of the kids is the same thing as having to let go of the alcoholic/addict. To me anyway... its a detachment with love that says "you can go be you, while I am over here being me" and happily and serenely walk away... Great stuff!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Shanda I don't understand what would make one thing they "should" not care about their A.

They are humans we love that are very sick. We would naturally love/care if they had any other disease.

When I heard that my then AH was suffering from oral cancer now I felt so sad for him. I said,"It seems like he has to go thru every horrible thing life can give us."

Yes I relate to the they care more about stuff than their kids. Looks that way. To my son, he believes that as he wants zero to do with his A father.

I know it is more they are not comfortable in their own skin, they are miserable. The guilt makes it hard to look at people who they know they have failed. Or more, we know, the disease failed.

He is very sick. I am sure if he was not A he would be there for those beautiful kids. I wish he would "make-up" with them so he does not seem so scarey to them.

It shows what a compassionate person you are to care my friend.

I feel sad for him too!

As much horror my ex AH's disease brought me, I still care very much, and do feel sad sometimes.

hugs,debilyn

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

In my opinion and my experience it is okay to have compassion for an A.
They are sick, would we not have compassion for anyone else sufferring a life long disease.
Again in my opinion A's are as deserving of love, kindess and caring as anyone else. They are human...where we get into trouble is when we confuse compassion, caring and love with enabling. It sounds as though you are done enabling which is good.
But don't beat yourself up because you are feeling compassion or caring.
Some of us can't and shouldn't live with our A's but we can still feel for them.
Blessings

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

Never argue with a wise man.

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

I know those feelings of pity, and they used to drive me crazy because I knew I was feeling bad for choices that he intentionally made. Ultimately, for me, it was about wanting him to be different than he was, and I think I felt more sorry for him than he did for himself.

Sounds like you are figuring out the way to peace. Stay on the path and be good to yourself. You are so worth it!

Blessings,
Lou

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think its pretty natural to be frustrated at this disease. At the same time until someone acknoweldges they have a disease there is nothing we can do but acknowledge it.

I used to hold the maxim of "love others as you love yourself". Clearly I have not loved myself all my life so my ability to love and respect others was pretty impaired. So now my entire focus is on loving me and getting me to a point where I feel secure in that.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.