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My AH hasn't had a drink in about a week and a half, and that part has been a blessing. Over the last few days though, he has come clean about a few things that he was previously lying about (I've been lied to A LOT), one big thing being a hefty credit card bill that I had no idea about. Well, he didn't exactly come clean, but rather confessed when I questioned the $600/month missing from what should be his take home pay (we're financially struggling a bit due to daycare expenses and I was figuring out a budget for us).
This is just one more lie, which is like a broken record at this point. I just feel so burned by everything that, while I'm a very kind person by nature, I have this strong anger streak towards him and am finding it difficult to be kind. I have forgiven every single time he has screwed up and am still here with him (although we have a 7 month old now and he'd have to REALLY screw up in order for me to not want to work things out at this point). He recognizes my forgiveness, which helps a little, but I still feel so hurt and burned. "All I can do is show you over time and gain your trust back," is what I hear.
Has anyone else gone through this, just feeling so angry, even though things are starting to look up, that you find it hard to be nice?
I understand you !!! I've had a really hard time showing compassion with my resentment and anger! I've had times where the trash wasn't picked up one week-called and found out it wasn't paid by you-know-who, My account balance didn't cover groceries for $120 because my account was $7 instead of $170. I NOW have my own account and card and pin numbers on every card and account. I don't carry much cash on me as a habit now too. I used to find $20s were missing from my purse. It is terrible when they misuse money for their habit and especially with a child. I would be raging mad if I were in your position, so I completely get where you are coming from. It's ok to be angry- don't kill him though. If you show him anger he'll shy away and learn not to tell you things anymore. I don't know how you'll handle your situation, but I put a screeching halt to mine and made sure I had control over my finances and money by having my own accounts, etc. when I found out who was taking money from me. I am so sorry for what you are dealing with though!! I know it's frustrating and annoying and hurtful as well.
It sounds like you have been very patient. I know it can be frustrating. I have been angry more times than I can count. I hope these are things that you will be able to work through. It sure isn't easy. I'm sure others will give you some good coping tips. Hang tough! You can do this.
((((Ms621))) This sounds like you had some expectations that weren't met. When I expect something from someone and it doesn't happen, I get really resentful. Resentment feels really angry to me, and causes me to have a really bad attitude. What I learned here from the old timers is that I can be happy and have my serenity in my program whether the alcoholic/addict is drinking/using or not, or whether they do anything or not. With my HP I can gain true happiness. Money sucks, I know this, and I also know that my HP will help me through. This has been shown to me just yesterday when I receieved the news that I would get assistance for my heating oil! I trusted that everything would be ok and I let go of outcomes. I know that I have to focus on me to really feel better. I work full time, I have two children, I am a single mom, I live with someone just newly in recovery, and I am happy and serene :) I don't sit and worry anymore, if it has to do with money, I can't sit and fret, I get proactive. I ask for extra time to pay for stuff, and I look for help where I can: ie: my town had resources I had no idea exsisted until I asked someone if they knew of any town help for heat... It works when we work it...
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Oh I have been through this. The worst part for me was having him screw up, then say "It is in the past and there is nothing I can do about it now....All I can do is live for the future and show you in actions not words, over time". Hearing that used to infuriate me as he would just keep screwing up and I would hear it time and time again.
After starting Al-anon I realized as bad as it sounds not to expect anything at all from him. The problem was that when he said those things he had great intentions at the time and just couldn't follow through.
My sponsor once told me to picture the word "sick" on his forehead whenever I talked to him. It worked wonders and I still do it often. When things are looking up is when the real trouble starts for me. I keep waiting for the axe to drop as it can't possibly last too long. That is something I am working on daily right now. The axe may drop, but me fretting about and obsessing over it won't do me a lick of good.
I have had some trouble with this. When my boyfriend is in active addiction, trying to wade through all the lies and trying to come to terms with all the stealing really gets to me. I seem to snap when he's obviously inebriated and wants to laugh and cuddle. I think it has something to do with seeing him so relaxed and 'happy' while I'm all tense and angry about the things he's done- but trying really hard not to blame him, to blame the disease instead. I definitely start getting snappy with him. The only thing I've found that helps me so far is removing myself from the situation- going for a long walk, bike ride, etc, taking deep breaths, and remembering that he's sick, that he wouldn't be doing these things if he could see himself clearly, if he was thinking right.
Still learning the hard way, just the other day my A offered to go into town to get groceries, but claimed his account had been drained (sometimes by childsupport). As I can't drive at the moment (broken ankle in plaster), I gave my card to A letting him know I knew how much was in there. Wondered why later that day he seemed pretty out to it, checked my account online and saw he had also bought something from the local hotel. What makes me furious is that he can spend about $50 on himself and I can be stuggling to stretch the budget, we also have young children. So never again will I entrust him to my account.
Yes, constant lies over the years. I asked, when he was sober why he lied and he told me fear. I've learned that alcoholics have a huge fear but when they lie they actually have made themselves fear more. It's a sick disease. The meetings help me but don't cure the anger. Detachment helps but is an up and down thing for me. Living with alcoholism is not fun. Sometimes I imagine leaving and get scared of the future on my own. We share a home and expenses and leaving would not be easy. I am not a young kid ready to explore new options. These are supposed to be years when things get easier, or so I thought. Yes, I am angry as you have been.
