Watched 'when a man loves a woman' today.I have seen it more than once over the years but I decided to watch it and see if I saw anything new or got any new insights.I did.I saw myself as my AH saw me.A person who projects that she is perfect,so good,so much better than you.If you would just listen to me your life could be better.I will take care of things,I will help you.Look at how admirable I am putting up with all this,trudging on in the face of misery,dealing with YOUR issues,not mine,oh so willing to give up my feelings,needs,wants for your happiness.Aren't I wonderful? Yes,I'll help.it's ok,I have no life that I am not willing to give up for you.That was me.And yet...I started crying when the husband was in the alanon meeting and spoke for the first time.He was crying saying he missed his wife and kids,they were separated, and it seemed she was getting her life back and she was happy and" I guess she didn't need me after all like I thought she did", he said.It was obvious he was falling apart without her.I thought...we are JUST people who want to LOVE.We JUST want to give of ourselves and HELP other people.What is so wrong with that?? I guess when the alkie is drinking they need their codependents,yet they resent them at the same time.Then when they give up the alcohol and are trying to face life without the crutch,they do not want someone so willing to give up their lives,so willing to put their own needs aside just for them.That is a burden, a heavy weight for someone in recovery to carry.The truth is there is a hint of control in both instances.Drinking,they need us ,depend on us to pick up the pieces,keep the home fires burning,while they fall apart.We get to be in control.Then in sobriety,they see the control our incessant giving and sacrificing provides us,but controls them.In the movie when the wife was asking him to come to her lead,something was said about going back home together.They were separated.She told him she thought about that every day.She said she didn't know how it would be and she hated the roller coaster where people break up,make up,break up,make up.She said "the very thing that attracts them is the reason they should not be together".I understood that it would have been so easy for her to fall back into their old relationship which could have led to her drinking again.It was hard,so hard,to turn away from that.It was comfortable.Sobriety was new,scary,and hard.She said she had to go,he asked her not to,and she got in her car and drove away.
It is so easy sometimes( not as often as it used to be) for me to fall back into my old ways of reacting,hiper vigilance,controlling,manipulating.Those old comfortable shoes are still very much around.It's so much harder sometimes,to bring myself present,come to,put the focus back on me,and use the tools I have learned.Yet I feel so much better so much more centered,at peace,when I do that.
I have been on this journey for almost five years now.My AH( sober) and I still live together.We have completely reinvented our relationship and it is far better than it ever was.No he is not the person I married.He did not change back into the man I thought he was before the heavy drinking.We have had many many deep conversations about how we ended up where we were in 2006.There is no control any more.He is free to be who he is and I am free to be who I am.(when I let myself, haha)We compromise if needed without anyone having to be something they are not.We have 41 years together.No one knows me better than him,no one knows him better than me.We are comfortable in the life we have made.We are still in the same house,working together again to fix it up.We enjoy eachother's company but still have time for ourselves if needed.It is far from perfect,and not the marriage of my dreams,but we have become friends,people who can make mistakes and be forgiven,we say we are sorry.
I saw in the movie how much the husband wanted desparately to hold onto his wife and his fear of losing her to someone else,maybe someone in AA.But you CAN'T hold onto someone if that is not what THEY want.If someone wants you,loves you,they will be there.You do not have to manipulate and beg and cry to get them there.If my husband finds someone else and wants to leave I will not be devastated.I will be sad for a time,but I will still have me.That is something I didn't have before.I think this is growth.When there is craziness around me,like at work.When everyone is in turmoil and I want to react or lash out.There is a place I can go to inside me.It is back to myself.I can take a few minutes and just find myself again.It gets easier with time to find that place.It is safe there.It is calm there.I am welcome there,I am good enough.It dosen't matter what anyone else thinks of me.I know who I am and I am enough.I am so grateful for that place.I never had that in my whole life.
I know it may sound corny but I am grateful now for the online girlfriend he met and thought was the love of his life.We joke about it now.Before that I was miserable in this marriage and so was he.I was closed minded,blamed him for my unhappiness,sought constantly to change him so I could finally be happy.What needed to change was me.That has happened and as a result he has also changed.I didn't sell out.I don't give up myself for him anymore.He doesn't want that.We stand together but separate.
So seeing that movie again has helped me see how far I have come.Yet it is not over.I so identified with the oldest daughter in that movie too.I have a food addiction and have tried for so long to figure out why and what might be behind it if anything.I think it is unresolved childhood things.So I am going to look into ACOA.
Recovery never ends.Life does get better though if you stay with it.I am so glad I did.

Dru