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My AH has been sober (again) for 5 months now, during which he's been off work, around the house, talking a lot about all the great changes he is going to make to his life. It's like a record that keeps skipping - he talks about himself, about all the things he wants, what's wrong with his life (and what I'm doing wrong), and demands attention in the form of footrubs, massages, etc. When I say no, he persists by whining like a child. Every time I've asked for something or brought up an issue to work out, he says no, says later, and then effectively waves me away. I'm trying not to ask for things with expectations... but I'm starting to think I should have some bottom lines when it comes to relationships. No sex for two years of our three year relationship, in my early twenties, might actually be a problem. So might his constant deferral of problems by saying "I agree. We'll do something about it..." and then not actually doing something. It's like he thinks I fall for it!
As I write this, I can think of all the things my sponsor would tell me and it all makes sense on paper... but it doesn't stop me feeling completely trapped. Too scared to leave, enough self-worth to know I deserve better!
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"I am no longer a victim, full of self-pity and bent on control of every aspect of my life. I can even allow joy and laughter to be a part of a difficult experience." (Courage to Change)
Hi, JS! Haven't talked to you yet - welcome! I hope that you will find as much recovery here as I have. :)
If we let it, it will always be all about the alcoholic. I used to think in my head (about my exAH), "It's all you all the time!" I was waiting for him to realize that it shouldn't be all about him all the time. Unfortunately he never got it - but luckily I DID get it!
It doesn't have to be all about someone else - in recovery we learn to make it all about US. Put your focus on yourself and your own recovery from the family disease of alcoholism.
I totally understand....my Abf has been sober for three years now (although I suspect he has recently been drinking in secret). About a month into sobriety he stopped having sex with me. Then eight months into he broke up with me saying he needed to make himself right with God. A year and a half passed. He came back into my life and said he was all fixed, now sober for so long. At first he did prove me he had changed. However soon enough it became all about him. All about what I was doing wrong. About how he was so great because he was sober and close to God. About how I bring stress into is life. About how when I bring up his issues that create a reaction in me I am looking for someone to blame. It is exhausting and I pray each night that something will change. That he will realize that I have issues to and we are all human and all have something to work on. Sex is off the table, it's everything but. I think it is because it is something he can control with me. Things have been awful the last month and we are currently on a break, his choice not mine. I went to my first meeting and I related to some of the stories. So I guess my advice to you although sober their me attitude just shifts into a different direction of focus. It takes a strong person to be involved with an Alcoholic sober or not. I think you like me need to think about is this diesese something I am willing to fight against everyday of my life? I love my Abf, but I hate the way this diesese makes him act towards me, I am tired of the push and pull. I just want my forever, my own family, a life together. I am not sure if that can happen.....just sit back and start to think about you. It won't be easy. I want to go off my break and just pick up the phone to say I love you. But, you can't you have to give them their alone time....and it sucks for us.
One of my biggest revelations was that I had choices and options. I chose to walk away or busy myself when my A was annoying me. You have choices too!
I made a mental list of things I liked to do. Sometimes inside the house, sometimes outside. (Depending on the level of aggrivation..lol)
Alanon has a saying "when I got busy, I got better". In those times when your A is demanding or whining..those are the times to focus on you and do something enjoyable. It not only puts you in a better place, it makes a pretty bold statement that it's not all about the A. You can redirect your focus anytime you choose it.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I hear what your saying JS, this alcoholism deal is not pritty. It destroys our familys in so many ways we can hardly imagine. No one really has an answer for you, but we have a solution through the steps, meetings,a God of your understanding and working with others we can get better. I'm on that road and its rocky and full of pot holes, some times it hurts and its full of fear and frustration. I find when I lean on God by taking the steps things smoothe out a little bit. As for the things I cant stand in my life any more, an old timer told me " its like screwing a porcupine, when the pain exseedes the pleasure, you'll stop."
Welcome. keep coming back, it works
-- Edited by liam on Monday 3rd of January 2011 01:34:45 AM
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The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. ----- Samuel Johnson
Hi JS. I'm a newbie, too. I've been to 4 meetings and i already see a diference in my life. The biggest, is that I realize most of the stress I was feeling was me trying to change another adult. My AH was similar to your story. No violence but whining and neediness...constant drunken "I love you"s that really mean "I need you". Good luck, stay tough...we can both get there.
Thanks so much everyone! It's funny how much getting to a meeting, reading from ODAT, and checking in here can make me realise how I'm really feeling. I've been off work for three weeks, bored out of my mind over the holidays - with no one to spend time with but the alcoholic! No wonder I'm going crazy. You're right... I'm getting busy as of today, off to see my sponsor and get back on track.
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"I am no longer a victim, full of self-pity and bent on control of every aspect of my life. I can even allow joy and laughter to be a part of a difficult experience." (Courage to Change)
