The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am going on vacation with my Addict BF on Thursday, to a place where he will not be able to get his drug. He will not go in to serious physical withdrawals, but may be quite miserable to be around.
Regardless, I have told him that when we come home from our vacation, and he has one week drug-free under his belt, I will not continue our relationship if he is not actively working a program. He lives with me, so I told him that I will not allow him to come back to my house at night if he has not attended a meeting that day. Right now, he is only in therapy 2x weekly, and while his underlying issues ARE important, he is not in any sort of program that focuses solely on ADDICTION.
I DO feel like this is one that I can stick to, and I KNOW that this is one he CAN follow through on, because while he is powerless over his addiction, attending meetings/getting treatment is a CHOICE. I told him this. I also told him that I have finally truly accepted that his sobriety is entirely out of my control.
I am so new to al-anon, and I have made so many frantic ultimatums and threats out of desperation that I am unsure as to whether ultimatums are ever ok? If so, when? If not, why?
Ultimatums do not work and they are a form of trying to control. Addiction is a sickness and the addicts cannot typically help themselves unless they are working a strong recovery program... and even then, it is a life-long effort.
Alanon suggests that we set boundaries that make life comfortable- do it for ourselves to protect our well-being, not to change someone else. Successful boundaries are doable and enforceable. If you are setting boundaries how he lives with you, this is very different than an ultimatum- the difference being the motive and the expectations.
Your focus seems to be on how you're going to force a solution. It may FEEL like you have some control if he is willing to go along with it for awhile, but my experience is, it never lasted. We went round and around so that I had to keep stepping up my efforts to control... and in the process, I nearly lost my sanity. I believed we had come to an understanding, I believed it was all under control, and then the disease would rear its ugly head again.
Eventually I accepted that I was powerless. Only a power Greater than me... than him... than this cunning, powerful, baffling disease is going to get him well. No human power can relieve him.
I suggest squeezing in as many meetings as you can before your trip. You deserve a peaceful vacation. ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I think when the term "ultimatum" is used, especially when applying it to someone else in the form of "you will do this or else!" it is destined to set up failure.
It is nearly impossible for me to even give myself an ultimatum! I don't know how many times in the past I would tell myself "this is it!!! you ARE going to lose 20 lbs or else!!!!!" Or else what? I will punish me by holding my breath til I turn blue?
When I set up an ultimatum I truly have no power to get the desired result. I set myself up for disappointment and lowering of my own self respect. Because I feel like I have failed when it doesn't happen.
Because of that I try not to give ultimatums anymore. To anyone, including myself.
Setting boundaries is a much gentler way of trying to protect myself that issuing "ultimatums".
Boundaries are something I set on myself, because even they are impossible to enforce when set on someone else. Boundaries are set by me, on me in an effort to maintain my own peace of mind. My own serenity.
If I say to myself, or even someone else, I am setting a boundary that if you do this I am going to respond by doing this, it makes it about me. Not them. I have much more chance of being successful if it is up to me to live up to my boundary. The boundary might even be that if the other person doesn't stop doing something that is causing me to lose my peace, my serenity, that I can no longer be around this other person. But this is a boundary on myself. I do not deliver them an ultimatum, I just am putting my own well being first and that is perfectly "okay". The other person has a choice. Someone with the family disease of alcoholism can't always make the "right" choice...because their disease has too strong a hold over them. That doesn't give someone else a free ride however, when it comes to how their choices affect me.
When I think of boundaries, I visualize a fence I am putting around my yard. I can see over it; It has gates to let myself and others in and out. And best of all, if I decide the fence where it is currently located isn't working after all, I can relocate it or take it down all together.
When my boundary doesn't work out, I don't have to feel like I have failed. I can just realize that the boundary didn't work and perhaps modify it or eliminate it, and try again!
I don't have a problem with alcohol. I can take it or leave it. I do however, suffer from Alcoholism, the family disease. Because I have been "infected" with it through exposure. That disease can try to control me too. It can try to make me not choose to do things I know are good for me. This realization is what has kept me coming back to Al-Anon for nearly 7 years now. Because I want to continue to keep the disease in check. I need to keep taking my medicine. That is one choice my Higher Power had the grace to offer me and I the willingness to accept it. The willingness came from me hitting my own "bottom".
HP's grace is there for all of us. It is up to each of us to provide the willingness. And one of the hardest things for me to accept even now, is that I can't provide, cajole or instill the willingness in someone else.
Glad you are here! And thank you for the great question!
I echo what the others have said about ultimatums. They are ultimately not effective because, no matter how good our intentions are, we simply do not have the ability to control someone else.
When I got here, I didn't realize that I'd been trying to control my exAH because my motives were good - I wanted him to be sober. Nothing wrong with that, right? Except, that whether someone else is sober or not is not my decision to make. The only thing I can control is what I'm going to do. If someone else isn't sober, I can choose to not be in a relationship with them. This is setting boundaries.
Telling someone else that they must do something or else suffer a consequence is an ultimatum. This is different than a boundary based upon the motive...boundary = protection of self. Ultimatum = forceful statement designed to get someone else to do what we want.
I got to the program sick because I was trying and trying and trying to control someone else. I had this illusion in my head that I just wasn't doing enough or the right thing, but if I tried it a little differently than I could control the person and things would change. That was my disease - I was addicted to the addict and the chaos and drama of the relationship. When I could admit that and start to make changes, I got better.
I screamed at my AH that I wanted a divorce. I just had HAD it. One more drunken episode. It is OK to have a plan in your mind as to when and why you might end your relationship but not use it as an ultimatum. The ABF will stop when he wants to stop not when you threaten to end your relationship. It has been my experience with other Al-Anon friends, that they will lose their home, their job and their relationships. It is not that the bottle is more important than you and these other things, it is because their disease will cause them to lose everything unless it is treated. How would you monitor his meetings anyway? It would be a guessing game. Alcoholics lie and they lie consistently. It took me a long time to heal from that. Work on yourself, go to meetings and then decide what will make YOU happy. All the best in the New Year to you.
Ultimatums only work if your prepared to follow thru on the threat they imply. do ultimatums force the alcoholic or addict to get clean ? Rarley, and I am sorry but how do you know that he will not go into serious withdrawls ??
I came into Alanon with very similar thoughts as you have expressed in your post.
Abby makes an excellent point. We do not really know how their bodies would respond should they go cold turkey; detoxing is best done with medical supervision because it can be life- threatening.
I used to think I knew how much my exHA was consuming. Today, he still laughs about that as I didn't even see the tip of the iceberg. Not saying that is your case, but it could be. Addicts like to deceive.
... but it is not our job and it is not healthy to know what they are consuming and how much. It is true when we focus on them, we feed their disease and become unhealthy ourselves.
I had our whole marriage mapped out in my head- the loving vacations, the cozy togetherness at the end of the day, the weekend trips to explore New York City.... I knew I could do it and I thought I could make it happen with my exHA.
The disease is progressive and grew way bigger than the both of us. It is sad that we can't love them well.
Please keep coming back, read as much as you can, and attend meetings. Alanon works.
Thanks for all of the replies, I truly appreciate them. I'm still so new to this, but talking with others who have had similar experiences means the world...it's really been helpful and has brought me a lot of clarity. I'm very grateful to be here and I will absolutely stick around...in fact, the forums already been added to my favorites :)
Our son is an addict and I can tell you from my experience ultimatums do not work I gave so many of them in times of anger or fear or whatever but could never go thru with them even though I thought I could at the time. A's are smart and they find a way to work around those ultimatums the second you show hesitation. What i was finally able to do was separate my son from his disease and set and follow thru with boundaries. I can love my son unconditionally but hate his disease and I did not have to participate in his disease anymore by enabling.....this concept really took me a long time to grasp. I think mainly because parents always feel they should be able to "fix" thier children or make things better for them. But we can't and that's where separating the 2 enities helped me immensly. wishing you the best Blessings
Ultimatums work ONLY if you hold up your part -- you must follow through with the consequence.
It's really hard to follow through, especially a big one like "you'll have to move out". Your A will beg, plead, promise the moon, give the sad "puppy eyes", whatever you respond to, and then you'll hear your self saying "OK, I'll give you one more chance".
I've chosen 2nice as my forum name because I've been caving in to the promises for over 20 years. I'm always nice, always giving a another chance, feeling mean and guilty for enforcing the rules we've agreed to, as my sweet A renegotiates the terms.
"Give him an inch and he'll take a mile." That describes my ultimatums - continuously chisled away to nothing (he says "but last time you let me ..."). Lately, I just take what comes and be happy for the sober days. I guess I've learned detachment without having a name for it.
I'm currently new to the group and plan to give the program a chance this time. I first tried al-anon as a newlywed over 20 years ago, but only went to a few meetings. I didn't believe in the program at that time. I believed (as my A did) that he was not an alcoholic because he only drinks occasionally, he doesn't drink every day. But those occasional bouts have become more frequent and have eroded my trust in him. Now I do believe occasional drinkers are alcoholics. I love my AH, always have & always will. This next year may be bringing big changes for me; we'll see, I'm scared of the possibilities, as we've been "happily married" forever.
Ultimatums, or as the Latin would have it, ultimati, are not the way to go. But let's use another word. Boundaries. Boundaries are set by you and for you. But when and if you set a boundary, you must be ready to carry it through. Empty threats are useless, as he already knows you make them.
There is a fine line between "ultimatum" and "boundary." The difference is in the semantics. Ultimatum = him; boundary = you.
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I was taught "Say what you mean, and mean what you say, but don't say it mean."
It's fine for me to put my foot down so long as I will be consistent with the follow-through. If I have any shred of doubt that I won't be able to stick with it, I need to keep my mouth shut, examine my motives, talk with my sponsor and bring the issue to my Higher Power.
