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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Nevermind
Post Info TOPIC: Nevermind
member922


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Nevermind
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-- Edited by member922 on Saturday 1st of January 2011 04:40:47 PM

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craftygirl


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RE: Anybody missing chaos?
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Member, I know where you're coming from...Lately I"ve been missing my ex abf. He's currently sober, and seems to be doing well. He's there for his son, and great with our son's young cousins. When we were together with family over the holidays, he was fun, even to the point of flirting with me.

The kicker is...he was never that way when we were together. I was constantly second guessing myself, feeling bad about myself, and being controlling and acting crazy, due to his addictions. There was nothing good about our relationship whatsoever. And yet, I miss him, and our relationship, such as it was.

I also relate to the back and forth you're feeling, member...I want it, I don't want it...it's easier for me when he's using, because then I can use my anger as a way to not want him anymore. It's so much harder when I'm confronted with him, seeming healthy, and seeming to be moving on with his life.

I'm trying not to obsess over him, but it's so hard. I want a family, and when he's sober he seems like he could be part of one.

Your last line really hits me in the gut, though...I know that all to well. I don't feel like I mattered to him one bit, even though we were together on and off for a couple years. I'm not sure how to heal from that.

Hang in there, member, and take care of yourself. I find that it helps if I take stock, so to speak, when I get down about it, and really remember...why was it again, that we aren't together anymore? Oh, yeah...his disease...as well as mine. It's toxic, and we can't get better if we're in a toxic situation.

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member922


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RE: Nevermind
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Thanks for answering crafty. After I thought about my post, I thought it was pretty dumb so I erased it.

I'm glad I am not alone. I just feel so stupid. And tired of asking why, why, why, not only about him but about me.

I feel awful.

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glad lee


~*Service Worker*~

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RE: Anybody missing chaos?
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I am soo impressed with your awareness that you have an addiction to him, wow. Took me a long time to see that, and even when I did, I still didn't want to end the relationship. I was getting too much out of it.... so that I was willing to tolerate the bad stuff for the good. For me, I craved his attention.

Keep in mind, your brain is just playing old tapes. Your brain thinks. That's what it does. And it thinks it's doing you a favor by bringing up memories and little reminders, "remember it is time we do this." It helped when I became aware of this. I could then say to my brain, "No thanks, don't need to know that."

I like what Eckhart Tolle has to say about addictive relationships, "Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain."

We're in the right place, the 12 steps bring us to consciousness. Hang in there, it's still a loss. And grief is a process we just can't hurry along... unfortunately.

Be where you are. But don't listen to your brain and act on anything hehe. Thanks for your share. ((hugs))

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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Debilyn


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RE: Nevermind
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Hon even if you think what you share is dumb, its ok! This is also a place to vent. Even stuff that makes no sense. Though I tell ya, everytime I read that someone feels that way, it makes sense.

We need a place to come to, to honestly just let it out, dumb, gross whatever.

Its how we learn, or one way!

I KNOW where you are. It took me years to really "get" that my loved one really has a horrible disease, there is nothing I can do about it. And it took me awhile also to realize that my A is wet brain and brain damaged from the brain surgery.

When I got this, I didn't and don't ask why anymore. Usually we do look for why or what made something happen, what makes us feel one way or another. But when we are dealing with this horrible disease, there are no answers except it is insanity.

Of course we miss them. We loved them or love them. They were not always this bad.Things were not always this bad. Over time they are very bad.

My ex AH is almost 59. I have seen him, known him for over 40 years. I have seen the progresssion.

But member, wish I knew your name...haha I do think of my husband once in awhile. I honestly don't ofen remember what it felt like to be loved. I think I am in denial. I do have dreams about a man loving me, I don't want to wake up. Then the dream fades, I Forget again.

For me it is just too painful to think about it, or remember.

I am so sad you feel so crummy! I wrote in my journal a long time. Helped. Watched the movie "Signs" whoa I forgot how good it was...took me away for awhile.

I am going to go get lost in a book. Hope you can find something to take you away too. For me my friend, I sweep and mop everyday, takes awhile, then I sometimes beat myself up becuz I am not motivated to finish my projects....I don't care enough rignt now I guess, which is strange as my bathroom is still half painted, the ladder still in the hallway, maybe I should just hang plants on it....haha

You are working hard on your program. I see ya here all the time, so glad ya stuck.

Do ya have something to read or watch that ya love? Member I decided to sit on my rocking recliner, I had "3" little dogs on me, my basset hanging over as far as he could from the double recliner, another on that recliner staring at me and one on the floor staring at me....what does it all mean??

Hugs,debilyn

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