More questions re. detachment - Al-Anon Family Group

looking_for_peace · Veteran Member

More questions re. detachment

freeagain · Veteran Member

Well, those are all VERY important questions. I would suggest consulting a lawyer as to what the laws are in your area and what divorce from an alcoholic may look like. Some family courts recognize the dangers of an active A being around kids and make provisions such as supervised visitations and court ordered drug testing. Your best bet would be to call a few lawyers and get a few different opinions. That would begin to answer your questions and set your mind at ease.

In the meantime, stay safe, keep your kids safe and focus on what you need to be happy. Baby steps.

anewyear · Member

Detaching also means not caring if he is huffy or not. his responses are not your problem. I'm struggling with that now as well. You don't have to have sex anytime with anyone if you don't want to.

As to your questions about leaving, I strongly suggest visiting an attorney just to have a clearer picture of the laws where you are, what you are entitled to, what the courts generally do, etc. knowledge is power. Just because you visit a lawyer that doesn't mean you have to follow through but there is nothing wrong with educating yourself so that you make an informed decision. As to paying him alimony, probably not. Often times, the court will still expect him to pay based on the kind of job he is qualified to get, whether he has it or not. It stops some people of quitting work or 'under working' to avoid their responsibilities. But again, a visit with an attorney can get you all these answers. It will go a long way to relieving some of your anxiety.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I got a Higher Power and a sponsor before I got the attorney. You're new yet...early
in this thing called program so give yourself a break. One sign that detachment is
working is when your fear and confusion levels are real low along with how fast you
"react" to situations rather than respond to them. Divorce isn't the default solution
to being in a relationship with an alcoholic and sometimes detachment is a divorce
of a different kind. I divorced myself from the disease and how it manifested itself
in our home and the consequence of that was I became level; balanced and serene
and not given to drama as often as I had before. I could speak for myself without
entering an arguement or fight with the alcoholic and say No to what I didn't want
to participate in without being loud, forceful and accusing. Al-Anon is marvelous for
helping the spouses, partners, family and friends of alcoholic make positive changes.
And when you make those changes the alcoholic is left to their own mirror.

People who have problems with life not going their way...get huffy and some of those
are alcoholics.

Keep coming back and continue to work your program. ((((hugs)))) smile

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I do know that the courts have to prove or not prove that his alcoholism is adversely affecting the children. They wont just take your word for it. Most courts end up giving joint custody. They would only take away the kids if it was proven they were being abused. So that opens up another can of worms and another battle.

I think there is a time for everything. This I have learned in my old age. When I was married to the A for those 26 years, I can also say there were good times even in the midst of the disease. You are new to the program so give yourself a chance. Children and finances are important. Everything in its time.

In the beginning when I first came to Alanon, ages ago, I joined because of the alcoholic. I thought it would change him and he would stop drinking. I got impatient. I ended up getting so much more, for me. I do know when we focus on them and their drinking, it changes nothing and we get resentful.

Keep coming back to you, even if you didnt live with the A, it doesnt end the problems. Stay in touch with your HP. Luv, Bettina

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I know for me that I had to learn truly that detaching means allowing him to be himself and not engaging in any kind of arguments etc. I didn't have to play that game. For me, my exhusband is a rage-aholic, not alcoholic, but his attitude was enough that after 9 years of me trying to change him, I had to leave. The arguing was too much, and it was bad for my kids. I didn't see what my part was until I found Alanon in July of this year, because my new bf drinks/uses. I went to alanon to find out how to deal with my bf. I have found out though, that alanon is for me to work on me. Nothing changes if nothing changes. That one sentence right there tells me that I have to change what I am doing in all my affairs, and work the steps of this program with the help of my sponsor and guidance of my HP. I have to change me and stop obsessing, worrying etc about everyone and everything else. there are days when I slip back into the same old patterns and routines, I am better able to come out of it though come back to my recovery program... take care of you!

Angeliki · Member

I feel like I am in the exact same boat as you! I am totally new so I am hoping to understand this stuff better myself. But yes, it seems impossible to me.. the idea of detachment. I feel like I am NEVER going to be ok with his drinking, and I can physically and emotionally cut myself away from him (like you said, go upstairs, watch tv somewhere else, etc) but that doesn't seem like much of a marriage to me. It seems like I would be happier leaving. I don't know why I feel this reluctance against even trying the program... its like I feel like I don't WANT to feel better about his drinking. Or not care, or whatever. I am guessing I really just don't understand yet so I am going to go to a meeting and give it all a chance but I definitely don't feel optimistic about it....

I also have a child and I am worried about his health. Not so much physically because my AH does not get really out of control but I am worried about his mental and emotional health... I just feel like even if I could learn to not let the drinking affect me, how do I learn to not worry about my kids? That's impossible!

Anyway I know I have a lot to learn and I am taking the next few months to educate myself as much as possible and then make an informed decision. I am so sorry you are going through this and worrying about your children's safety if you DO split... my heart goes out to you. I agree with everyone about talking to a lawyer.. its definitely important to know your options in advance.

(((HUGS)))

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The way I see it, detachment doesn't mean we're okay with their drinking; it means we don't let their drinking ruin our life. They're in a bad mood and it tends to drag us down with it, until we're embroiled in the bad mood and the insanity. Detachment means keeping a clear head, taking care of ourselves, not trying fruitlessly to control the A, and making our day as good as it can be even if they want everything to revolve around them and their drinking. It means not letting them have the power to make our day good or bad, or our life good or bad.

It's true that a drunk in the corner of the room is hard to ignore. I think there are several kinds of response to that. We can remove ourselves (either for the moment, for the day, or permanently, depending on what we decide). We can look upon them with compassion, as we might towards anyone with an uncontrolled disease. We can take our attention off them and back onto ourselves. That's how I try to see it.

clep · Senior Member

For me detachment means that my emotions are not controlled by another. My A is trying so hard to bait me these days into arguments. He accuses me of all sorts of things, follows me around trying to find out "why I am mad at him" etc.

If he isn't yelling and swearing at me, I am affectionate and talk about whatever. If he is yelling I leave and go somewhere else or busy myself.

My A can be spitting mad and it doesn't affect me a bit anymore. I don't have to try to understand, have to find out what I can do to help. I leave him to it and if he has something to go over with me, he can let me know.

I am not longer preoccupied with him, but with myself.

Detaching in love is what I strive for. I'm not sure I do that all of the time, but I do try.

parfait624 · Veteran Member

I think that detachment is what I am trying to do. While my Abf hasn't drank in over three years, he has been acting like a total jerk. Making me act like a crazy person. If he did drink he isn't telling me. He turns things around like I am the problem. So I am stepping away and he is not bothering me too much. Because I gave in to his idea of taking time apart. I am learning that rather then acting like a lunatic because of his words and actions I need to learn to step away on my own before that happens. I am starting to learn being with someone in recovery in the first five years at least requires giving them their space, or you will truely end up hurt as a result of their ever changing personalities.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I can share with you what detachment ment to me.

How it worked.

I was deeply in love with my A most my life. Was very happy, one of the first times I remembered what happy was since my first husband died.

First died when he was drunk. so you can imagine what the smell of alcohol and cigs did to me.

Becuz of al anon I learned how to detach. For me it was realizing I loved my A so much and wanted to stay with him.

My detachment was I loved him, but learned it was the disease I hated. Not unlike if it was cancer making him act like that, drink etc.

I got myself to where the smell no longer bothered me. It was only a symptom of the disease not my AH. I learned that he was two different people. Him and the "other one."The other one was a mean drunk.

I learned to sit with him on our dbl. recliner, hold hands, yes he had been drinking I NEVER saw him drink. He was that good at hiding it. We had many very good times. But when he got bad or I was not well whatever I would go to bed, go read, go watch tv in my own room. NEVER mentioning it was his disease that I was avoiding, as sadly the disease had my loved one in its grips.

Over time the disease got worse and worse. he started leaving and going to mommies where he could be whatever he was. then come back, we had some precious time then gone again. to when the abuse started, then he had to go forever.

I don't regret gleaning all the "good" time with my A. Even when he was drunk or had been drinking, which for him, drunk. NEVER mentioned it as it was NOT my business.

I learned too late to protect myself. Lost so many material things along with my heart, happiness.

Anyway I know one can teach themselves to love the A but hate the disease. I am not saying everyone! It may have to do with our own upbringing, the kind of person we are or more our characteristics.

I hate drama, not critical, never fight, don't yell, mostly even in my moods. I learned to look at only the good. Was honest when it wasn't.

I probably am one to not react real fast, think things out. I am also stubborn. (c:

So again detachment is all in how each person does it. What works.

hugs,debilyn

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Actually I find detachment is absolutely about acknowledging the place I am. I live around an addict whose attention is everywhere but where it should be. She has projects everywhere and is always so adamant about her needs. Today I found out she had "taken" my blender and usurped it for her own use. In the past I would have had a "show down" with her. Right now all I am focused on is getting the blender back. In the past I would have been outraged. Today I expect her boundaries to be everywhere.

I've certainly had my own share of "show downs" with her. Actually none of them did anything but produced fodder for her to feel sorry for herself. Today I am no longer shocked or aghast at her behavior. I'm also not trying to save her from her heart attack (she is a meth addict). I'm trying to save my own energy for my own life. My priorities are no longer about fixing others, they are about getting my own life in order.

Detachment and speaking to her in a calm almost bored voice means I save energy. I don't have the how could you go down cupboards that don't belong to you and take things that aren't yours conversation. I don't allow her actions to unearth me as they certainly have in the past. I move past it. What do I want, my blender back. That's all. I also don't want her addiction to affect me in ways it has in the past. So I go out of my way not to have the fights, confrontations and actions I had in the past. Am I acknowledging her addiction and her antics, certainly I'm not ignoring them by any means.

Detachment means I can have the energy to pursue my own interests, my own goals and my own happiness. My happiness is no longer mediated on how others around me are. I'm taking sole responsibility for it these days and its a hard slog but its possible when I save energy for the real task of taking care of me.

maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.