The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know what I am doing or if I am doing the right thing. I found out I am pregnant yesterday to my alcoholic and I also have a four year old daughter. We have two houses. I couldn't sleep last night - out of absolute fear and guilt. Things are really not okay - this is not going to be okay to bring up my daughter and now another precious soul with this continuous fighting. I had to state my boundary (which I have before but HAVEN'T stuck to it!) which is there is to be no drinking at my place where my daughter lives. I know this won't fix everything. I know I need my own program and I can't control what her father - my partner decides to do with this. But he has left this morning for his place (he obviously needs to drink today) and has called me up to say it is fair - the boundary and he needs to do his meetings again. (I've heard all this before). That's where its at. I feel like a complete mess but at the same time I do feel that its okay. Today's going to be okay and this is a dysfunctional household but I can step up and teach my daughter and perhaps baby well by sticking to this boundary, and to my recovery? I need support. I have no idea what I am on about!
You can control your own environment and you can expect others to respect your boundaries just as you respect theirs. yes, please get support, the meetings are wonderful!
Thank you. My goodness, I feel like a child fending for themselves and not knowing how! Only I have a child and am growing another! I am very scared. But all I know is this seems to be the right thing to do - to do just that, create the healthy environment. I am pouring over the pages of this site now and taking it all in and going wow! I've also looked up actual face to face meetings there is one locally next Tuesday night and also several during the day not too far away as well!
Thank you for responding. The fact that I know is my partner is not a horrible person. Sometimes I can detach and stop the verbal entourage hitting me, other times I get into defence and the 'fight' just gets bigger. All I know is that is not healthy behaviour for children to witness. That's all I know right now!
It's okay to be scared, but you are right: you've got two little ones that will look to you for their blueprint on life.
I left my husband yesterday. Not out of anger but love and oh boy I am scared! But it's what I need to do for my boys and me. If it gets him motivated and healthy, fine but that's not my goal. My goal is to be healthy and have a healthy family.
You can't own his stuff, only yours. You are going to be fine and have a great family whether he steps up to be a true, healthy part of it or not.
Go to a meeting, you'll find what you are looking for.
Thank you. I am sorry to hear about your husband. However your attitude is fantastic. I like that you are doing this for you - and if he changes as part of it that is a bonus but not the reason. This is really good stuff.
I'll be a part of your support. Keep working it and reaching out there is a huge family here that will keep loving you when you find doing that yourself hard. Hard isn't impossible...perfect is. ((((hugs))))
That is so lovely to hear thank you and what a great quote!
I am ashamed to say that I at first did have a thought to 'end this'. But this has happened for a reason. Every life is for a reason and is a miracle. So I am determined to do my best - not perfectly! However, I do have a good belief that if I have a program and when our children are bought up knowing and witnessing this - even if its through only one parent - I don't know? - however if they learn the tools and skills they have a better chance. A good start in life, whether their father is drinking or not and whether or not we are together. He has a lot of good qualities. We both have good qualities as we do our bad. Now just to work things, focus on only what I can do and trust that I will follow the guidance of my higher power.
Take care of you, that is what I kept hear here. I learned to accept myself and am working on loving me. That is what alanon has taught me. And I know that if I am not taking care of me and working on my program, then everyone suffers around me, including my kids. Whether you stay in the relationship or not, you can be happy. I know that fear of being alone and lonely. I know it well. My bf is active in his addiction right now, however, I have found a way to be happy and work on my program. I have made a goal for myself to re-evaluate things at that goal time to see how I feel then. I was told to not make any rash decisions in the first 6 months to a year, and I haven't. Take care of you :)
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
My heart goes out to you... i have a 15 month old son and that is what makes everything SO unbelievably hard. You are doing the right thing and you are a wonderful mother for setting these boundaries. I know for me, having my son has given me a strength I never had before. If I wasn't willing to stand up for myself before, I am definitely willing to do it for my son. And I know deep down that as long as I have my son, my life will be okay. So hang in there... take care of yourself and this pregnancy. I am sending love your way from one mom to another...
thank you also. this means the world. Its 3am here and I don't seem to be able to sleep. That is a lovely thought tho. With two beautiful souls to look after I will protect them & myself.
Feeling a lot more positive today as we bring in the new year in a couple of hours. My daughter's Dad is over & no drinking. No tricks. Nothing. It's just for today. I know that. But that in itself is a blessing. And not a single argument today. I know this isn't going to be easy. There are no promises and even if he does continue to stay sober - the behaviour on both our parts will be difficult. But I am going to keep my focus of my program. Happy 2011 everyone.
Hi there, just an update - there's been days of non-drinking and drinking - it's been hard. My main objective has to be to focus on me and on my daughter and bubs and keep the boundary about drinking at my place. It means I have to let go when he chooses the drink over me/us but I remember not to take it personally (don't always remember) and my focus of safety and no fighting around the kids. It's not stability at the moment. It's far from it and I've had my blow ups myself with my temper and the stress in general of a new pregnancy. But I am still trying to work it!
