The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was saddened last night when my A ripped up his AA book and burned it in the fireplace outside. It is only a matter time time until he picks up that first drink again. I have seen him going down this path for several months and he inches closer every day.
I guess he quit his program a couple of weeks ago. I didn't know that as I have been so engulfed in my own program I didn't notice he hasn't been going to meetings for a couple of weeks. Of course he blames me for it as my "criticism" of his program and sponsor is what has caused him to drop it. I did let him know that I was not about to fall for that justification and pointed out that he quit on his own and is using me as a scapegoat.
There is nothing I can do about it I know. This does mean opportunity for me to have to work my program all that much harder. It also means that my son will have an opportunity for much learning about alcoholism, how to deal with it and lessons that hopefully he will carry with him through life.
I did let him know I have no plans on leaving him at this point. I let him know that I will continue to be happy personally. I also let him know that I can live in a dynamic relationship for the next ten year or a dead one. I asked him which one he prefers to live in an left it at that.
It is sad though how this disease has corrupted his thoughts so.
Oh boy , well I was told a slip can actually be a positive thing as it shows them that they cannot do this alone and hopfully return to program . cudos for you not taking the blame for his quitting like his drinking it has nothing to do with you , your not the reason this is happening . living sober is not easy and obviously he has hit a wall and not ready to climb out from under yet , honesty is a must to recover , continue to look after yourself go to your meetings and remember that he has a Higher Power too and will take him where he needs to go . This too shall pass . Louise
Ya that is how I am trying to look at it. This will be his third slip now upon reflecting back on it. I have noticed though that his co dependence when returning to a relationship is what causes him to quit his program. Maybe his HP will aid in that area and take him back to program, I don't know.
Thanks for the tip about listening to Mary Pearl Abby. She is an amazing speaker and I have gone through all of her step study. I find I get lots of my housework done while I listen to her, so I am getting lots done these days. :)
Yes this too shall pass as well as my feelings of sadness. My feelings are just that, not facts, and all will be okay. My hp is leading this situation as is his. I trust that things will work out as my and his hp has planned.
Maika`I Clep....GOOD!! you handled that drama real well!! That reveals how hard recovery can be on an alcoholic and also reveals how great recovery is for the spouse when she is in it, on it, working it. YAY!! winner for Clep.
It can get dramatic...ripping up the book, using the fireplace, grrrrrrr. It's all your fault!! grrrrrr. I Quit, I'm Done grrrrrr. Powerful, Baffling, Cunning. The disease is working him; writing his script and Clep has a script of her own...the play can't go on. There's no one in the theater to clap for the alcoholic. For me that was a Higher Power moment as I came to learn. "Don't React".
I'm keeping your ESH as a reminder of how to work the program. Thank You for your share. Mahalo...(((((hugs)))))
Clep, you are really walking the walk. I am learning that when my A slips I have to work double hard at my own programme and let go and let god. My a is 4months sober again after his last slip and says he learnt so much from it. I too tend to have a growth in programme after a slip hope your A does too.
Oh, Clep...I am very sorry to hear that your husband is getting sick.
I am also very happy to hear that you are doing well, and that you are not getting sick just because he is. It would have been very easy for any one of us to have bought into the ripping, throwing, blaming insanity. It is good that you didn't - and good for me in my own recovery to read about progress like this. Don't react is a GREAT slogan, and you rocked it!
My AH had about 5 years of sobriety and then was in and out of the program for about 4 years. I don't know how many slips - had to stop counting. He's back at almost 2 years sober now. When the A has had enough insanity, the A knows what to do and where to go.
Great use of the program tools and slogans. I know you feel sad, but you are right - sadness is a feeling, not a fact. It will not last forever.
Thanks everyone for your support. I did call my sponsor as I really wasn't concerned about him quitting, but was having a hard time with him trying to bait me into an argument. It was quite extensive.
My sister is here visiting and he didn't do or say anything around her. That was helpful as it reminded me that he does have control as I watched him exert it at the appropriate times so he wouldn't look bad in front of my sister.
My sponsor was very helpful. I was running out of options in my backpack (as she puts it) and she helped me fill it up again.
I am well aware now that with his co dependency so extreme he will probably not be able to work a program of AA with that barrier in the way. It is interesting to see how HP will take care of that one.
A year ago this would have put me over the deep end and I would have become a raging control freak spouting off about how he needed to go back to AA or I am leaving him. I would not have seen where my options are and that my way isn't the only way.
I didn't realize my progress until it was pointed out by others. Hmmm. Maybe I'm not doing half bad. I feel pretty good now.
Clep - I heard from an A that after you've been in AA and read the Big Book, it takes all the "fun" out of drinking. I hope that's true for your A and that he realizes that burning the book isn't going to erase it from his mind. Good job on working your own program!
