I am up and down. Am doing better at giving it all to HP. I know he will give me the tools to deal with his change in my life.

I am looking at it as a new chapter. Familiar always seems easier. But in reality, this place is huge for one person on disability to keep up.

I like things tidy and kept up. Its hard, I cannot afford to have it done, but can no longer do it myself.

What has Al Anon taught me about where I am?

Focus on me. I feel guilty in some ways. Though where these animals are going are better places than here, I feel I failed somehow. I think I know I am being irrational.

My goal is to simplify, not be in pain, not get hurt anymore. I mean getting trampled, falling, trying to carry heavy things.
Not have to be tense about the well pump, septic pump, well, mud, things needing repair.
A huge house to mop.

But I know I cannot give up my country life. Its me. I hate town. the lights, the noise, the drama.
I need my dogs, they are who kiss me, sleep with me, sit with me, cry with me. I thought I could place my parrot Reeba. Then I went into the kitchen in the dark and heard her whisper,"gnite reeba." I need her voice, her laughter her telling the dogs what do do, what not to do, asking me if I need help, crying when I cry, freaking out when I am a bit off and tense about something.

Like when we leave the A, we have to be ready. I need a change. need to be honest with myself.

I think about maybe being happy maybe, content again. not always feeling 400 pounds on my shoulders.
My friend sent me an email saying she was proud of me. Said ya never know ya might meet a nice man, blah blah.
My thought was this, and it is sad, Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is insanity.

I had two great loves in my life, two wonderful, husbands who died. It would take a lot for me to ever go thru that again.(I look at second husband as dead since the brain tumor changed him to a monster)

Its all a learning thing. All the loss has taught me what I really want in my life. And to be honest it is not much. One warm area or cool area, clean, homey, comfy with my dogs around me and parrot yakking. Being able to hook on the truck and pull us to go visit loved ones. But have a home base. simple.

gotta look at the gratitude list, the good stuff, that is what Al anon taught me too. That I was blessed to live the life i wanted when i was young. Loved deeply by some great men, had all the animals I wanted, healthy kids, great memories, some long long time friends. I have enough income to make it at this point.

The scarey stuff is going to be over soon. I see something better coming. Though right now I have some very hard stuff going on.

Hp makes us work, its how we learn. thank you guys, debilyn

-- Edited by Debilyn on Tuesday 28th of December 2010 05:37:46 PM