Help please- VERY NEW and confused about whether or not to leave my husband... - Al-Anon Family Group

Angeliki · Member

Help please- VERY NEW and confused about whether or not to leave my husband...

eyeswideopen · Veteran Member

I left a long, abusive marriage and the one lesson I learned from it is that you cannot expect the choices of others to make you happy. Do not wait for him to choose not to drink, to choose to respect you. Only you can choose your path. If you choose to stay do so knowing who he is and what you are signing on for.

For the past two months of my brand-new second marriage, I found myself doing exactly the same thing: waiting for him to choose to deal with his alcoholism.

No one can tell you what to do, whether staying is the right thing or leaving. Make choices that are right for you and will make you the most peaceful you that you can be.

I'm where you are right now: do I stay or do I go? But I know, that whatever I choose, I have to live by it and make the best of it.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

A book I promise will help you."Getting Them Sober." volume one.

As the addict cont. to use, it gets worse and worse. It takes a horrible tole on the body to process that much alcohol. Plus it causes damage.

You are the only one who can decide if you stay or go.

I found it so helpful to come here, read lit, go to face to face meetings if you can, give yourself time to educate yourself about Al Anon. For me I have researched addiction for years.

BUT did not know Al Anon till I came here around 10 years ago.

I know what you mean, my first husband was a fun guy. But what got me finally was he drove drunk with our babies. That was that.

We can never leave our kids alone with them. Would you leave your baby with a drunk babysitter? I am sure not.

Believe me Al Anon will help you. Yes it can help you deal with the situation. You learn skills to think of you, not get involved with his disease, which is his business. We cannot control it in one tiny bit.

We can learn to focus on us, detach from the disease, and love them. He is very sick.

In time you may come to a place you know you are ready to leave. Maybe not. For now Al Anon will help you I promise.

Glad you are here! welcome,debilyn

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so glad you are here. Al anon can certainly help you whether or not you leave your husband. Assessing what to do when you are living with someone who is drinking excessively is a very difficult prospect. You can find a lot of people here who have been through similar dilemmas. There is no maxim in al anon around leaving or staying. That is one of the things that drew me to the program. For so many people listening to the situation they see it in a black and white way.

I would recommend you going to meetings, here if necessary, learning you can about the program. If you can find a sponsor that is a real help in working the program.

welcome
Maresie.

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

When I first started alanon here are some things I learned: about another person's drinking or using drugs: I am powerless over it. I am powerless over other people. I can only change me and my reactions. I can be happy and have serenity no matter if my bf drinks or uses drugs or not. I can be happy because my higher power helps me through. I quit taking it personally when he drank or used drugs. I started to use all the alanon tools and slogans in all my affairs. That means I carry it with me in everything I do. I have learned to say what I mean and mean what I say but to not say it mean. I have learned to detach from the addict in my life with love. That means I allow him to be himself. I don't hate him, I hate the disease that drives him to use. I have also learned that he and I have the same disease of the mind, body and spirit... its just that we use different things to hide the pain, cover up the pain etc. I obsess with people and worrying and wallowing in self pity (used to before program) and he obsesses with his drug of choice. I am learning to not do that anymore. I have a sponsor and am working the steps. I am also taking small steps to forgive my past so that I can work on me now. Forgiving does not mean it was ok (childhood sexual abuse) but means I don't let it rule my life any longer.
I know this doesn't address whether you should or should not leave your husband. Alanon does not advise people to do that. We share with you what we have learned and how we over came our own sickness. That doesn't mean you have to leave. There are those of us living with either recovered or active addicts right now. And we are getting through and are gaining more and more serenity every day.
Remember the three C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it (his drinking that is). Also, QTIP=quit taking it personally.... Remember to take care of you and your son. Work on your happiness, whether he drinks or not. Take it one day, one minute at a time... alanon is for you, to recover from your sickness... Take care and welcome here!

flinn66 · Senior Member

Welcome Angeliki

When I first joined al-anon I was confused, frightened and damaged by my 'A's" drinking. Perhaps initially I expected or hoped somebody would tell me what to do. How grateful I am that this is not what happened and instead I heard others share their experience and hope.

I struggle with my recovery but I know I have to keep coming back to me, my mind wants to keep obsessing with the alcoholics problem, but how arrogant if I think I have a solution. It is only when I detach - a constant struggle for me that I start to get clarity and understand what I can change - only me - that I start to glimpse serenity.

After a number of years I too am struggling to decide wether it is time to end my relationship - I still do not know - but I know if I do it must be for the right reason Al - Anon is helping me slowly day by day to focus on what I need

Hugs

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

There is a saying in Alanon, "nothing changes, if nothing changes." Looking back on my life (I'm 51 now), my AH sounds very similar to yours. Mine did hold it together until about 2003... then, it went in a downward spiral... totally out of control drinking.
He has 4 rehabs under his belt now.. He is one of the lucky ones. He didn't lose his job, we managed to hang on financially, and his health is pretty good. His last specialist at Hazelden told him that his normal liver counts were a gift from God. His specialist didn't think they would ever get back in the "normal" ranges. He has been sober now since March, 2010. But I will say that all that has gone on has taken a toll on everyone that is close to him. We have two grown children, four grandchildren. He had to work hard on his relationships with all of them and they are now hesitantly optomistic that he may hold on to his sobriety. I have worked really hard to "mind my own business" because this disease was totally consuming me and MY health.

Nobody can tell you what to do. The reality of this disease is that it is progressive. If he is an alcoholic, it will get worse over time.

Attend F2F meeting and listen to the "old timers". They have lots and lots experience and strength and hope to help you. The book "Getting them Sober" helped me tremendously. I also studied many self help books to try to understand me and my reactions better. Keep coming back, it works if you work it.... Peace to you.

clep · Senior Member

Welcome to the forum,

I remember being in those shoes. Wondering if I should leave or not, but really wanting to find a way out of leaving. If only the A in my life would change I thought things would be fine. At my weakest point of depression and hopelessness I made it to an Al-anon meeting. I really went to save my relationship.

It saved me. I don't have to be affected anymore by the actions of my A. The program affected so many areas of my life in such a positive way I can't even describe it. I learned how to live happy daily even if my A is drinking or a sober alcoholic. I learned I have options.

If I had gone to Al-anon earlier I am confident my A and I would not have had to split several times. When getting into Al-anon and being guided not to make any life altering decisions I now understand why. I was at the peak of confusion, frustration and anger. Not the best time for decision making.

Just for today I can decide not to do anything, or make any decisions until I am confident in myself.

Once I started working my own program of recovery I realized there were so many decisions I didn't have to make, that I thought I did. I can be gentle with myself, work on myself and be happy within.

Glad to see you here.

Angeliki · Member

Thank you so much for the responses... I really think I am losing my sanity here. I have to admit, I am really intimidated by the whole concept of Alanon and "the steps" and the slogans and all of that... it just seems easier to me to leave while I can. I feel like it would be different if this was my parent or sister or child but I guess I just don't feel the same obligation to stay with my "A." That sounds horrible... I know. I do love him but I just don't think I could ever be happy feeling like I am doing all the changing and he isn't... How would I ever stop resenting him? I guess these are all things I would learn how to do but I am just not sure I am selfless enough to go down this path... I don't know.

I am going go go pick up that book now and I guess the least I can do is give this stuff a read. F2F meetings will be tremendously hard for me since I pretty much take care of my son the hours I am not at work. I guess I will just start with some reading and reassess.

I know that nobody can tell me what to do but I wish so bad somebody could. I feel tremendously guilty at the idea of leaving him, especially if his disease is only going to get worse. But at the same time I just don't think I could be happy staying... I feel like I have let this affect me long enough and that i need to take a stand now while I still can...

Thanks for your words... my prayers are with all of you and I am sure I will be back in a little bit!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself , saying that his drinking is causing YOU a problem .. your not accusing him of anything just stating the facts from your perspective . There is no point in trying to convince him he has a problem and its very agrivating for both of you . he has to come to his own conclusions.
We often suggest you work this program for 6months before making any life altering decissions such as ending your marriage . you will be suprised how u feel after a few months of learning how to do things differently. We have to get off thier backs and out of thier face and get our own lives back on track often it takes one person to change to encourage the alcoholic to take alook at his or her own life , this program dosent promise to save marriages but it does promise to return some sanity to our lives.. Louise

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Angel...it was not easy by any part of the imagination to follow thru on the
"suggestions" I got when I first got into Al-Anon which was a second attempt. I
resisted and quit on the first run and then had no more sanity to offer the disease.

When I got back into the rooms the "suggestions" didn't change, I just had another
opportunity to listen to them and then make up my mind to stuff my objections and
excuses and justifications to quit again and keep coming back and following up.
Those in the rooms; the program had the solutions and a new language and way
of looking at a problem we shared within alcoholism.  "Change meant changing me"
and after I got over the difficulty of the idea that my problem was me and got to
work my life changed for the better and it still does.

Of course I was free to do my life anyway I thought fit. That is what led me to the
doors of Al-Anon.   My life was the consequences of my own choices and I had not
asked for help with them. I did what felt good to me and ended up dead and still
standing up...outside the doors of what became my home group...The monday
night CCofC Al-Anon family Groups in Central Valley California. That is where I
got my life started in recovery.

It's all been your choice.   Keep coming back.   (((((hugs))))) smile

shebear · Member

I came here almost three years ago asking the same questions - AH and I had been married a couple years, no children between us and my daughter was already an adult so at least I didn't have to worry about that, but I didn't know what to do. It just didn't seem 'bad' enough to justify leaving him, he was never mean or abusive, we were OK financially (thanks to my job, he couldn't hold one down for very long), but I stopped having people over, stopped suggesting going out with friends, worried through family gatherings that he would get drunk and stupid... I finally decided that "it could be worse" wasn't a good enough reason to stay.

I'm blessed that as of today, my story has a happy ending - when I came to that realization, I told him simply that if that was the life he chose, he was free to live it, but that life would not have me in it. I was fully prepared to have him leave, but he chose instead to go to an AA meeting, he's been going ever since and sober 2.5 years now. It could easily have gone the other way, and I'm not suggesting that approach would be a good one for anyone else. Just know what you are willing to live with, and what you're not.

You can't control him or his drinking, the only thing you can control is what you do.

-- Edited by shebear on Tuesday 28th of December 2010 11:16:16 PM

stomoxys · Member

Your post really touched me. We are in an almost identical situation. My daughter is 13 months old and my AH has a serious drinking problem. This summer, while on vacation, he blacked out and left me and my daughter alone in a town we didn't know with no car, no hotel keys, no... blah blah blah. He decided when he woke up and found his way back that he should join AA. Well, that was almost 7 months ago and he has since decided to quit aa and go back to drinking.

He is not a terrible person.

Thankfully I have been attending al-anon f2f meetings. I learned that before I make a life changing decision I should really devote myself to the program for 6 months. January 1 is going to be 6 months. I decided that it still is not the right time to leave my AH, I need to work on my issues first. Who knows what the new year will bring, though.

Definitely get some al-anon literature. I loved the book called The Dilemna of hte Alcoholic Marriage. I also have Getting them sober, marriage on teh rocks and a few others. I read them every day.

Give the program some time before you make up your mind...

Angeliki · Member

Stomoxys- thanks. Somebody else said 6 months too and I guess that is smart. Although I feel like I have been dealing with this for years, I guess just this week I actually fully accepted the situation and so its probably not time to leave. Although my husband is the one who is saying he wants a divorce now because he can't deal with my "controlling." So it may be out of my hands.

I am so sorry to hear about your vacation... luckily my husband has never done anything like that since having our son but I definitely have had many vacations ruined because of his drinking. How did you find time to go to F2F meetings with a baby? I work full time and I just don't know when I would go unless I went during the work day which would be hard to explain to my coworkers.

Also, I feel like I still want to have the family I always wanted. I definitely want to have more kids.. in fact I was planning on trying to get pregnant now before all this went down! :( It breaks my heart to think that whether I stay or go, another baby is not in the cards for me for a while. I am 30, so I still have time, but its not like I am 25 or something. I feel like if I am going to leave, I want to do it soon.... I daydream about finding love again and still having the family I want. I feel like I don't want to waste any more time being unhappy. But then I feel so guilty thinking that because I do love my husband... he is a wonderful person with the biggest heart and I don't want to separate him from his son.

Can you share any more with me on how specifically the program has helped? I am just still not 100% convinced I guess. I feel like I already have detached myself.. I find many ways in my life to be happy without my husband. I feel like that is the problem! I don't want to be alone anymore in this marriage. And my husband has not, and I really don't think will, admit he has a problem so therefore is not open to any sort of help.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Angeliki, in case you are still reading this thread (instead of the newer ones), just to say that many Al-Anon groups have lunchtime meetings just so people can go from work. And in our town some of the evening ones have childcare. Call your local Al-Anon number and ask about the childcare. That might make it easier.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.