Thoughts about Denial - Al-Anon Family Group

flinn66 · Senior Member

Thoughts about Denial

kath · Senior Member

Happy Birthday!!

I have faced this challenge. Just last night I was thinking about the same thing, about how my AH goes through cycles. It does seem like the disease becomes more demanding after I am working my program toward dealing with him. The disease doesn't like the new change in our behavior.

For me it doesn't do any good to ignore my AH because if I do that I become resentful. Perhaps on the minor issues if you feel you need to be heard you could say something like "you may be right" to yourself or him and leave it be. That way perhaps you are not ignoring the minor behaviors but dealing with them so they don't build into major issues.

I do understand about ok not my way and how important is it? When I first started to do those slogans toward dealing with him I wasn't really that great at it and I really didn't mean it all the time. Some issues can get by with that slogan but not all of them. Just like you don't use a hammer to screw in a screw!! I just keep using my different tools for the different situations. I do get so many opportunities to use them in my life!!

For instance today I am leaving it alone. We are going thru an issue that normally would have me in major turmoil and chaos. I would be nagging him, hating him, etc. Today I am taking care of myself. It is crazy and life threatening for me to go through so much pain and turmoil because of him.

For me, Love is simple. It is supposed to be simple. This disease is not simple. The program is simple. It is much of a paradox of how hard it is sometimes for me to practice such a wonderful, simple program. Alas it is getting better every day that I go to meetings, read literature, read MIP board, talk to sponsor. Practicing more and more, this program will become a natural and simple way of life.

Hope that you have a wonderful day. Focus on yourself today and I will too!! It's okay, I think you are doing great, glad you are here!

Kath

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Finn

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

The dreadful disease of alcoholism is cunning and powerful. You have just detailed one of the cunning aspects and the reason that alanon stresses that :

We are powerless over alcohol, people, places and things.

Setting boundaries are for you What you cannot/ will not tolerate and then the actions you take to protect yourself For example, I have a boundary that I will not discuss religion or politics with certain (Unreasonable) people.

If they attempt to introduce the topic I refuse to engage, EACH and every TIME. I will let them speak and then change the subject, or walk away . They MUST know I will not talk about the issue so I have no need to explain I just must take care of me.

Any discussion enables them to try to change my position and SO alter my boundary

Please continue to take care of you and remember it is progress not perfection and that Awareness is the breaking down of denial

Thanks for sharing the journey

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

That is so true about breaking down the denial. Even though the A is an X now, by the time we did part he was no longer trying to put his disease on me. He didnt stop drinking but I didnt allow him to blame me for a long time and I would call him on it every time or not respond to it and he stopped. Not over nite either.

He knew his disease belonged to him and nobody else.

As long as you take care of yourself like Hotrod said there will be progress. It takes a lot of work.

Luv, Bettina

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You made me think.

Is it denial?

I am thinking, he leaves his slippers in the bathroom, does not put his cloths in the laundry room.
To he bought a pint of vodka and drank the whole thing down on the road to our house.

Well this makes "everything" huge. It is not the slippers it is not his dirty cloths, it is the fact that he is an A and its horribly hard to live with.

Does this make sense? It is never he does not put the cap back on the toothpaste, it is he does not respect me.

Denial? I do know in life, living with others we have to let some unimportant things go. My mother used to have to "pick her battles" with my troublesome brother.

There are so many things that bug us that if we look at everything we will go nuts.

Not sure if I said anything. I guess if something seemed trivial, I would ask myself, "Ok what is really bugging me?"

hugs hon,debilyn

flinn66 · Senior Member

Thank you for your birthday wishes, I have just been to a meeting - I am not in my hometown at the moment- but of course as always wherever I am when I attend, I hear just what I need to!

Focus on myself and my own recovery - I feel a lot better than I did earlier - a bit of that 'self-pity" was creeping in. As you say progress not perfection.

I get home tomorrow and of course don't know what I face, but I don't have to discuss what I don't want to and it is my recovery and that is the only thing I can focus on that can break the cycle, and yes I think what is really going through my head at the moment is not the 'small stuff' but a much bigger decision.

I feel I am at the point in my recovery in deciding to leave the 'A' behind - I still love him but the more I accept my powerlessness the more I am feeling the need for a change in my life because being human I know he can and will try to drag me back into despair all the time he lives with me, that is the power and cunning of the disease and my love can never fill the emptiness he must feel. I do care but I have put the question in my 'God Box' - I need to hand this over to my HP

Love

Flinn

-- Edited by flinn66 on Tuesday 28th of December 2010 01:59:54 PM

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Happy birthday!

It doesn't seem like denial to me. If the "minor behavioral issue" is something that you have said you absolutely will not tolerate and that you will walk out of the room/go for a drive/get out of the house/whatever other consequence if that behavior happens, and then you don't follow through with the consequence, you are not in denial that the behavior has happened. You recognize that it has happened. You just haven't enforced the boundary.

If nothing changes, nothing changes. The behavior isn't going to change, but I can change my response and enforce the boundaries I really need to protect myself. If I enforce the boundary exactly as I set it once or twice, it will become easier to enforce and the other person will be less likely to attempt to challenge the boundary.

You're doing fine - doesn't sound like denial, it sounds like good awareness!!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

What came to mind reading your post this morning was * there is nothing worse when someone in the home is getting happy and it isn\t you *
The healthier we get the sicker the alcoholic fights to maintain control , your changing and he is afraid , you no longer react the way u used to ,walk away from fights instead of engaging he doesnt know what to do with the new you .
these are his own insecurities and nothing you can do about him .. if you have our ODAT go to page on July 14th it will explain alot .. read it every day til your able to do what it says , your doing just fine keep taking care of you .

flinn66 · Senior Member

Thanks for all your thoughts, yes I do have ODAT and how right July 14th is so appropriate!

Things calm at the moment - although I have picked up a head cold whilst away I feel quite strong. My A was very contrite when I arrived back home, I stated that I intend to relax, look after me and was not prepared to discuss our problems until I felt better. He had bought me a beautiful card for my birthday - how sad the words which I am sure he does feel are so out of step with the insanity of the actions caused by this terrible disease.

I have had so many lovely texts from Al-Anon friends as well as the help from this board, I feel my HP guiding and supporting me - this programme is so miraculous - I just have to remember to keep the focus on me and take one day at a time

Love and Peace to you all

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