The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so sorry. Xmas time is hard enough without the extra stress.
You did the best you could do. It's hard to feel that we can't count on anyone. I agree with you wholeheartedly on the children situation. That to me is simply uncalled for.
I'm sorry for your losses. More pile on. Sometimes it just seems that things aren't fair.
I'm glad to hear that you are planning something for next year. Something that will make YOU happy.
I used to think I was so alone in the crap I would deal with....coming to this board and reading other people's stories, makes me realize I was never alone! I'm truly so very sorry you had a terrible Christmas, I totally get that. I have been there....this Christmas was really good for me...and the reason is because i didn't have to deal with an A! It was fantastic!! I didn't have a boyfriend, but I had a good friend of mine over with her son who is my oldest sons good friend, so they had Christmas dinner with us. I found that made me so happy to share such a special day with a friend. I pray that you can get to that point...to the point to where being away from that crap and finding peace inside yourself and with those who really care about you matter more than trying to find peace with an A. Next strive for that better Christmas and go to Cuba...why not?! Anything would be better than what you just had to endure... Peace to you and your family..
When I am feeling exhausted with the behaviors of another, I try to focus on my feelings and responses to the happenings. Am I reacting, or doing what is best for myself and respecting that others around me need to do the same. I don't want to be reacting in my mind or in body. The greatest gift I an give myself is to care well for my mind, body and spirit.
.."It might not be so bad if he wasn't such a prick when he drinks. He came to bed last night complaining he was sick (no wonder) and I said I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. But apparently that wasn't sympathetic enough for him.
Now today, he's all guilt-ridden and embarrassed. WTF? That isn't any better to spend time with than the drunk. You drank, you ruined my Xmas, you left me alone with my sadness and grief because you are a selfish prick, now that you are sober and could maybe pay a little bit of attention to me all I get is this stupid puppy dog I was naughty routine..."
Truly stinks and is maddening- I, too, know that routine oh so well! It becomes a very unhealthy place quickly, one needs to master their alanon toolkit... something I'm struggling with myself... not reacting, not having expectations, not letting resentments linger... it can so easily overwhelm.
I think your Cuba idea sounds wonderful! Slowly, and over years while I was married, I had also started living my life without my then-husband. It was not my first choice, but given the circumstances, it became my best option. Thank God for choices!
Aloha Eyes...I know that Al-Anon is big in Vegas and pretty sure they had the rooms open for the membership to gather and support each other's recovery. We did here in Hawaii and the consequences are that our later years are getting better and better.
I remember carrying my "stories" of how it was soooo bad for me into the rooms of the fellowship and then having the fellowship and my sponsor ask me the question "so what was your part in that?" or "If you want it to change, you have to change."
It seems things are getting worse for you...So what is your part in it?
First - take a really deep breath. In through your nose, out through your mouth - and let your whole body relax. Just take a minute for yourself.
Jerry wasn't poking you. You don't always play a "bad" part in things. Sometimes our part is not taking care of ourselves. I know it seems completely realistic to expect your AH to show you love and give gifts on Christmas - and be sober in front of the children - but under the circumstance, how realistic is it? Perhaps this will help you plan better in the future to make sure you have a good Christmas by doing what will make you happy.
The whole thing stinks, honestly, and I understand your hurt, frustration, and anger. But after a while we have to give up our expectations that these people are going to be who we want them to be. Regardless if they are a saint and wonderful person - or careless, hurtful alcoholics - people are going to be who they are and we need to give them the freedom to do that. If they are hurtful people, we need to take care and protect ourselves around that - because no one else is going to. Period. Especially them.
Unfortunately that goes for the expectations around them owning what they do as well. New Years Eve 2008 - my exA is over - smashed out of his mind in front of my daughter and all her friends. He proceeds to wet the bed in the middle of the night, I get up and clean him and the mess up, then he is actually MAD AT ME the next day for not feeling more sorry for him. I wanted to ring his bloody neck but I kept silent about it. It actually struck me as comical that he expected sympathy. It was MY bed and I WAS IN IT!
It is what it is. They are who they are. The only thing we can change is ourselves and that can be in the form of protecting ourselves from them, doing things that make us happy, and writing off their bad behavior to "par for the course", which is what I started to do. I stopped being surprised at my exA's behavior and realized that as long as I stood around and tolerated it - it would continue. He sure wasn't going to change for me.
So I stopped standing around and tolerating it.
Now, on a more important note than your A's bad behavior . . . I am VERY sorry to hear about the loss of both of your Uncles. My condolences and I am sending love your way.
It can get better. Unfortunately it isn't always easy until you realize YOU are the one in the driver seat of your life.
Please keep coming back.
tlc
PS, I edited your post a bit. I understand you were upset, but we try to watch our language here. No biggie - totally understandable. Hope you don't mind.
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Hi Eyeswideopen I am so sorry that you are in such pain and I do understand your question to Jerry.
I read your post and thought about what all that you said and feel that it does appear that you are still expecting him to not drink!!!
Like many of us, before program you indicate that, you did all the right things to make the day perfect, asked for what you wanted and then thought that he would behave as you would like. He will not drink and he will honor your needs. That seems like a simple expectation but not where alcoholism exists.
Alcoholism is a disease over which you are powerless The many symptoms are destructive to any relationship and having even small expectations of the alcoholic is bound to end in disappointment. He will set you up with his actions and then when you are shut down he will "Want to Talk" You of coarse will refuse and the dance continues.
Reading alanon literature, meetings, working the steps, gratitude lists are all things I learn to do in order to change my attitude and life.
Jerry's famous saying is "practice, practice, practice.
I think what Jerry was saying is that wouldnt it have been better for you to go to a meeting and feel better then to participate in the misery of being with the alcoholic.
Once they are drinking, it doesnt get better , its all downhill from there, you dont want to keep setting yourself up for disapointment. It seems the more we push our will and expectations onto the A, the more they rebel and the more we set ourselves up to be victimized.
If we are suffering from the effects of this disease, we are not learning and practicing enough and arming ourselves with the spiritual knowledge of what Alanon has to offer.
Jerry is being compassionate in his guidance. We must really dig deeper.
I remember being in some really, really miserable Christmases with my A too. I couldn't understand how things could have gotten so miserable.
The thing that helped me is the saying "My choices, my results." I didn't choose for him to drink. But I certainly chose to stay with him after I knew he was a problem drinker. I thought it should be up to him to change. But why should he change? He was fine with his drinking. I was the one who wasn't fine. But I made the choice to stay because I thought the alternative was worse. After a while, I changed my mind about that. To me that's what the question "What was my part in it?" means. It means we always have choices. We don't have to stay if we don't like what's happening. If we do stay, it's because we're making that choice. It helped me to realize that I do have control. I can't control him, but I can control my own decisions.
Hugs to you.
-- Edited by Mattie on Monday 27th of December 2010 07:03:57 PM
I am so sorry for your illness and the loss in your family. I do hear your frustration and attitude. You are taking constructive actions by coming to the MIP Board and sharing. Just as in a face to face meeting, sharing is only a part of the process. After sharing I am able to sit back and listen to other members talk about how they use the program and then I get the courage to try myself. Listen and Learn is an important slogan
. In the beginning of program I did not know what choices I did have. I was only able to see in my black and white thinking. I only saw negative results from any action I might take. I also planned on actions that would retaliate or get even with my partner for his actions. All this is part of the disease of living with this family illness..
We really do not know how to implement constructive choices for our own lives Attending meetings, reading alanon literature working the steps. living one day at a time focused only on yourself changes our inside attitudes. We than become able to see different possibilities for our lives and the marriage.
Each person who has responded has attempted to give you the compassion and understanding they know you need, In addition we have tried to explain that our commiserating with you will not help you to make the choices that will enriches your life Al anon tools used daily will move your life in the direction that will
This is all a process and takes time. That is why we urge new members to not make any major changes for the first 6 months to a year in program
You are worth the investment of time and energy so please keep coming back
I dont think any of us here want you to do anything foolish by going out in a Noreaster and I didnt read any suggestions of you leaving the A, just heartfelt messages of how you can make your life more serene and manageable.
We have all been where you are, I think I can safely speak for everyone in this forum. I have called the XA every name in the book at one time. I have been so angry at him, I got a stroke and almost died and I was in the program at the time. All hurtful towards myself. We are not perfect people.
Being angry and calling the alcoholic names doesnt change a thing. You dont want to waste your time and energy being angry most of the time do you?. If you have to stay with the alcoholic that is fine and your choice. But while you do, dont you want it to be more liveable. We are just saying the tools of Alanon are here for you and were trying to tell you this is how we got and still are getting thru it, just living it one day at a time.
It doesnt have to stay the way it is. One can make a little change that will domino into a big change. Luv, Bettina
Ok eyes, how many days of anger do you think it will take before you can sit down and tell him that his behavior is unacceptable. You can say anything you mean as long as you dont say it mean.
I had given him a key chain when we were first dating and he took the time to take it off his keys and slam it on the dresser before he left this morning.
It is hard around the Holiday Season Everyone has expectations and issues. Disagreements happen. You can find a time to speak your truth--- but right now please begin to use all the alanon tools.
Focus on Yourself ( pray, let go of anger and sadness and give it to HP), take a walk, go for coffee, go to a meeting
Live One Day at a time Stay in the moment and let go of the past and worry about the future
Read al anon literature daily
Post about the tools you are using
Make a gratitude list and an asset list Post about them
Give yourself permission to feel sadand lonely for 15 minutes a day Then when time is up use alanon tools again.
Go to the Step Board and begin to work the Steps Get a Sponser
This program works if you work it
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 28th of December 2010 08:35:00 AM
Thanks Eyes, for posting what you did. I see a lot of me in your posts. My AH made such a big deal of how this will be his first "real" Christmas with the family, how he was looking forward to it, etc. Now that he is this "changed man" I dared to think that maybe his actions might be different too. He hasn't gotten drunk, but has managed to sneak alcohol into his system (although he thinks I don't know about it). This part, I can almost handle by using what I have learned in Al-Anon. It also makes an enormous difference that he isn't stark-raving drunk and nasty. However, the part that hurt the worst...I didn't get one gift. We are very short on money and we agreed we wouldn't go buy a bunch of stuff. However, our daughters (7 and 9) kept asking for us to take them out to buy things for us. I took them out and we bought Daddy a gift. He knew about it several days before Christmas. I heard them ask to go get me a gift several times. I had no faith in him, so I went and got a book I wanted and told him to let the girls give it to me, so they could be excited about getting Mommy something. I guess this was enabling in a way...but I want my kids to see Mommy as someone who is worth buying a gift for (so pathetic, but I want my kids to see me as worthwhile, even if their dad doesn't). Part of me still held out hope that he would actually take them out to purchase something for me. Of course he didn't. It is still bothering me today, although I had a wonderful Christmas with other family. I am not as angry as I used to be. I just feel lost and sad.
I'm sorry, Looking. I spent many years buying my own gifts for the boys to give me and that's not enabling their father but helping your children, you did a good thing, not pathetic.
-- Edited by eyeswideopen on Tuesday 28th of December 2010 10:27:01 AM
Eyes: Here is what helped me when I first started Alanon, ACOA and CODA: I had to admit fully and consciously that I am truly powerless over alcohol, alcoholics, addicts, people, places, things, events, outcomes etc.
I had to learn to detach with love from the person in my life I was obsessing about. That meant I had to allow them to be who they are. I learned to accept myself, a huge thing for me, and am learning self-love now.
The book Getting Them Sober helped tremendously as did the books COurage to Change, The Language of letting Go and the other book that I love is The New Codependency.
When I began to get into my own program and work on me I realized all my anger and fear and pain were being covered up by my obsession with the A in my life and other things. When I started to look at me, truly and really look at me, I saw this to be true. I know this much is true: I am suffering from my own illness and the symptoms of my illness are obsessing, worrying, feeling sorry for myself and care-taking, I also like to play the victim role, which is a role I fall into very easily because of the child abuse I suffered from. My illness is the pain from that and other things in my childhood, teenage years and early adulthood, and I have been hiding from that illness all my life.
The ways I used to deal with life don't work anymore. Anger at everyone and everything, expectations that lead to resentments on my part, sadness and depression, almost killing myself, anxiety, panic attacks since age 7, and on and on. I could go on for hours.
The thing is, when I sit and focus on my A and have a pity party and an anger party, I am wallowing in my sickness. When I put the focus on me and what I want, do things for me, concentrate on the steps, ask my sponosr for help and use this board for help, I get better. This board is my meeting right now, you can use it for that if you need to. Thats why we are all here. Go to the online meeting, the chat room has them twice a day. You learn to share and "listen" to other people's shares as well...
I hear so much anger and resentment in your posts. I am here to tell you that we all love you and care about you. Remember to take it one day, one minute at a time. This too shall pass. Quit taking everything personally (QTIP= quit taking it personally) and remember to be grateful for everything you do have.... My higher power has helped me through many things, and he will help me through this as well... Take care of you :)
-- Edited by sunflowergirl on Tuesday 28th of December 2010 09:57:58 AM
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Eyeswideopen, I'm sorry to hear that your husband's reading your posts and things are stressful. It brings me to wonder why your husband is upset in reading the truth about his behavior.
I hope things are not violent in your home -- if so please protect yourself. I wish you peace.
Aloha Eyes...glad to see you're still with us. It is what I did instead of run off when I was confused and without solutions. Ask for help, ask questions, question myself; what I do and why and then listen for the similarities between the stories of those in recovery who now have better lives and what I use to do also. What I am concerned with is that if anything I offer you causes your alcoholic to take it out on you. I don't want to enable that to happen. Find a safe way to recover. (((hugs)))
