The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When my AH and I were both in recovery(him AA me alanon), he would constantly try to compete with me. He would judge my recovery and make comments about my sponsor, my step work and my choice of recovery friends. He would actually go so far as to critique our programs slogans and readings. I generally just ignored him and his comments.
But the other day, one of my program friends who's AH is also in recovery said (in the context of a "fight") "yeah, well, how far have you gotten on YOUR 4th step" to my friend. She fought back a case of the giggles as they were fighting and that would have made it worse. He then went on to say something like "I have worked ALL of the steps" To which she thought "then where are MY amends???!!!!" but she didn't say it outloud (Cudos to her...because as she was relating the story that is EXACTLY what I was thinking...knowing their history...LOL!!!)
They have been in recovery for the same length of time. He is AA and has a sponsor and worked the steps and is very active in his program. Like 2+ meetings a day. She is active also although not as much because he is never home so she can't leave the kids etc...
Anyway, was just reading a post from White Rabbit and it reminded me of using the program against one another....LOL!!!
I stopped counting the bottles and started counting the meetings!!!! Ugh!!! A testament to MY level of recovery!!! Awareness :)
Your post made me smile , been there done that one too . finally I got smart and when he started pointing out my defects I said your absolutley right thanks for pointing that out , I will work on it . its over done .. my husb was b%&0ching one day about Al-Anon and how much time I spend in meetings and service work so I waited til he was finished and said he really should be grateful for my program , he says oh yeah how do u figure that ! I smiled and said because with out it you wouldnt have a family left to complain about . funny he has never brought that up again .
I started getting baited into that with the programs of my A and I. My reaction was to start counting meetings that he has been to, how many times he reads a day and such. Thankfully that only lasted for about a day and then I was back on track. In doing that I was not working my own program.
My A still does that at times, or get's angry about service I do. I just tell him I will think about what he has said and just say thanks. Sometimes he will then go on about other things and will try to start a fight as I am not defending myself and he is not happy about that. I just let him know I am going to read and thanks for the input.
If I start feeling like competing, I am reminded immediately I have work to do in my own program. The feeling doesn't last for long at all.
Bill Wilson once pointed out to the AA fellowship that he didn't think AA would have survived without Al-Anon. I'm a double and have on occasion had members of AA tell me that they wish they had what I had...they were talking about the stuff "other than not drinking". I tell them that I didn't get it in AA and they wouldn't either.
I guess to me I see it as neither is working on their program when they are looking into the others inventory.
It is a good symptom to see un oh I better get busy on my own stuff.
Sadly my ex AH saw my Al Anon"recoverying" as a tool for me that made it impossible for his disease to get around me anymore.
Made it easier for him to leave and stay away. Fighting did not work, could not manipulate me, I saw thru all the lies. I KNEW what was going on inside his head. NO ONE had ever been there with him before.
No surprise to me since we had been together off and on since we were late teens. He told me things about the war that no one else knows. I know him from his liver, heart, to his fingertips and toes. When he was in such strong recovery, he realized how nice it was we were two peas in a pod. He finally had someone he was really one with he could trust.
And I was finally with the man I loved so much all my life. And even moreso as my husband.
Anyway, I like the thing of staying on your own side of the street. His program was his own. Mine was mine.
First of all definitly have to agree with lyndebi when she said if they are taking each others inventory they have both slipped a little there in thier recoverys
What I wanted to just talk briefly about and maybe give you a different perpective on making ammends. i grew up surrounded by A's and quite a few found recovery and worked thier program. I was not in alanon but I knew very well I was owed quite a few ammends and I waited and waited and waited. Mainly expecting ammends from my brother and sister I raised my brother's youngest daughter as he was not capable actually I should say respondsible. For my sister I took in her daughter and her grandson to live with us not once but twice each time for a 2 year period. And of course i was the cleaner upper of all the messes they made or got themselves into. Not until I found alanon did I realize that ammends aren't always made verbally or in writing. It took me a while to get but I believe my ammends came in the fact that not only did they get clean and sober but thier behaviors changed all for the better. And i realised they had gone out of thier way to "do for me" instead of living in the midst of thier selfish disease. Today I can count on them for ANYTHING I may need and sometimes they will anticipate my need before i even ask and are right on top of it. So they so completly changed thier behaviors, what more ammends could I ask for. My belief is actions speak louder than words. So your A maybe doing this also, I don't know. Thats just how it worked for me Blessings
