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Hello My name is Amanda and I am the Adult Child of an Alcoholic mother, I frequently carry the burden of my mothers disease around on my shoulders, and am heading a project for my family to approach my mother with her problems. Here's my storey... Growing up myself and my two sister had a great childhood. My mother was a stay at home mom, bring other children in from the community to earn extra cash. When I was about ten or eleven my mother started a certificate program and obtained a job shortly after, which she worked at until the birth of my first nephew. At which time she stopped working to care for her grandchildren while my sister (and eventually myself) earned our BA's in nursing. I do not really remember my mother drinking all of the time when I was growing up, just socially at family friends houses. As I got older I started to notice she had a problem. In our own family home we had a recreation room which had a tapped keg, and stored liquors. By my teenage years she was successfully becoming an alcoholic, the self termination of her employeement was the final straw that broke the camels back, so to say. Now with full access and nothing better to do she started drinking more, and with an unexpected death and the loss of our childhood home related to forclosure her depression became worse. She is not a mean drunk stereotyped in movies, she is actually fully functional until the evening hours when she becomes easily aggitated and angry. The problem with this is that my father works midnight shift, so when he is waking up to start his day my mother is fully intoxicated and does nothing but pick on my father. After years of this behavior not only with my father but my other two sisters communication lines and relationships have broken down between everyone except my mother and myself, and most severely my mother and father. It has came to the point where after fourty years of marriage he does not know how much he can take. I myself am a nurse and I fully understand from a professional perspective what the use of alcohol long term will do to a person both mentally and physically, however to approach the situation personally is much harder. I love my mother very much, and I do not blame her or hold a grudge for anything she has ever done. I spend as much time with her as I can, and even now she is my best friend, as well as my daughters. I myself carry alot of the blame around on my shoulders, which I know I shouldn't but I do. I understand that this is an illness and she most likley has a few psycological problems as well. I just want my mom back, and our family dynamics back. I want my mother and father to be happy again. After talking to my father he stated that he does not know how much more of her attitude he can take, and that they never talk anymore. Also the money to buy alcohol is running them into financial ruins (as well as a few other things). So myself and sister have been tossing around the idea of interveining for some time now, and my dad is now on board. The question is can we intervein? I personally see signs that she knows she has a problem, and that she regrets her decisions to drink. How ever I also know my mother, and to get her to full out say hey look I have a probelm would take a life threatening event (and im sorry but thats not something I am willing to sit around and wait for...) she is very stubborn and strong willed and is horrible at outright admitting her faults. So what I need is suggestions, how to approach her... should it be all of us? My father? My self since I have the strongest relationship for her? How do we get the ball rolling as to say? There are so many questions and not enough answers... I have read all the material, but it's just not giving me what I need...
You have done the best thing coming to Al Anon, welcome.
As far as intervention, there honestly needs to be an interventionist heading your group. The family and other loved ones are too emotionally invested to do it without one.
For some A's it is a wake up call, for others, not. But even if they go to rehab but go right back to using, they got some healthy time in and hopefully gained some tools. Al Anon teaches us to take care of our needs and not try to help or change the A. We are totally out of control of them.
Maybe you can find meetings near you for father and you? Knowledge helps us so much.
Their disease pulls us in and makes us sick.
The A has to take care of themselves or it does no good.
I know you feel desperate, and want to fix this. I invite you to get to meetings. A great book that helps so many is the first volume of,"Getting Them Sober." I promise it will help you.
One thing that helps me is to play reversies. What if you were approached by your family all at once about something tender to you? It would not be pleasant.
I know you say you are not willing to wait. The problem is, it is not up to us. It is totally in that other persons hands. They have rights to their own decisions, A or not. I know it is hard to face, but it's the truth.
Believe me she knows she is sick.
We can do things to protect ourselves from the disease. Get accounts in our names only, keep your keys to your cars, hide your meds. If she had a brain tumor that made her act like this, think of how you would protect yourselves.
How she responds is her choice. Boundaries are vital to not losing everything.
I hope you keep coming. In the "Frequently asked Questions" at the top of the board you can find sites to go to find meetings.
Alanon has changed my life for the better. Before alanon, I was a codependent, ACOA with alanon's disease. There is so much I have learned here about me. I no longer have to do the things I used to do, to try to control or manipulate people or situations. I know now that I can take care of me and not have to sit and worry and obsess all day about someone else. Alanon taught me to look at me, focus on my higher power and detach with love from the addict in my life. The shift in consciousness that I have gained has helped not only me, but has reflected onto my children and the addict in my life. Things are serene now. Heres what helped me at the beginning: The Three C's: I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. I am powerless over alcohol, the alcoholic or addict, other people, places, things, outcomes etc. I learned to detach with love which means allowing the other person to be who they are and not try to coerce, scream, yell, cry, give silent treatments, or force solutions on. Forcing someone to do something they don't want to do, usually makes them do the opposite of what we want. I have learned to not place expectations because when someone doesn't meet MY expectations, I get resentful. I have learned to use the alanon tools in all my affairs.
I know now that I cannot make anyone change their ways. I can only change me. My bf, who happens to be an addict was my focus, my obsession. His parents forced him to go to rehab. He was sober there for 45 days. He got out, and within a few hours was drunk and in a black out on the airplane home. Only the person with the addiction can change if they want to. Its ok to talk to your mom when she is sober, but trying to talk to her when she is drunk doesn't work. Its ok to let her know how YOU feel, using I statements. We learn here to say what we mean, mean what we say and to not say it mean. There is a gray area now, that we were never aware of before. Its not all black and white.
Alanon is for you, to help you get better from your disease. Obsessing about someone/something is one of the symptoms of our disease. When we obsess, we don't have to look at ourselves and we can hide from our own pain. Take care of you, thats what we learn to do here. Courage to change is a great book, as well as Getting Them Sober, and The Language of Letting Go. Take care, just for today of you :) Welcome here and keep coming back.
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Aloha Alittle...here's a simple suggestion...Maybe the intervention can be worked in reverse to start with...I mean gather the sisters and father together and go attend Al-Anon meetings for 3 months (I only can say what I did...102 meetings in 90 days) and sit and listen and learn wht the rooms know and follow thru and then come together regarding other methods. If the 3 months doesn't help you haven't lost anything considering how long the disease has been running it's course in your life. Your Dad is going thru hell. When I was walking around in hell the last thing (like the alcoholic I was married to) I considered was going for help for myself and then denial and resistance is part of the human ego and pride and I used it until I couldn't any longer. When I got to the rooms of Al-Anon and learned how to reach out and ask "Can you please help me?" my life started to change. I could then go on to better decisions for better reasons with better thinking. Pack up the family, have a discussion about getting help for yourselves, look in the white pages of the local phone book for the hotline number for Al-Anon and get to the first meeting you all can get to (mutual support) that you can. There are families who participate as a group in recovery.
Welcome and keep coming back. Peace to your Mom and the rest of the family.
Intervention rarley works and if you do try it , you need proffessional help ,they are planned for months , everyone has to be in agreement one weak link and the disease wins .. I too suggest you start attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself and take dad with you if he will agree ,we have a part in this mess and until u figure out what that is nothing is going to change,except it will get worse .. forget what you think you know about alcoholism .. we are enablers ,we lie for them ,we believe thier lies , we cover up thier mistakes and we always get them out of trouble .until we stop doing those things nothing will change. Your not the reason she drinks ,your simply not powerful enough to make anyone drink or stop. Please get help for your family it only takes one person to change to create change and if we want change we have to be willing to do it . goodluck Louise
Thank you so much guys. So what I am gathering is the first thing I need to do is gather my sisters and father and we should go to meeting to understand the situation better and how to help ourselves, and then we can decide to go further from there. First we need to take care of us, and help us.
Jerry, you said that you were in a similar situation as my father? If this is the case, do you mind answering me if you and your wife are still together? My parents have been together forever, and their love is like a cancer patient, they have good days and bad. It's better when my father is home, and in the summer when they spend their weekends at the lake. However during the winter months it gets kind of rough. Do you think if I took my father and sisters to some meetings that they would see my mom as I do? I don't see my mom as a mouthy drunk, I see her as my mother that I love, and if she does say something that is hurtful, I understand that it is her drinking not her, I quietly forgive her and move on. Do you think meeting would help them as well?
I am not Jerry, but I can say that alanon has helped me tremendously, and anyone that knows of an alcoholic or addict is qualified to go to alanon. It can help if the person that goes works the steps and uses the tools and suggestions. We believe that people can take what they like and leave the rest. We never tell anyone what to do. We do not give advice. We can only say from our experience what we did to help ourselves. Hope that helps you :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Hi alittle and welcome you are now with people who know and care, read "Getting them sober" volume 1 by toby rice drews, there is a section in there about intervention, it advises having someone the A respects and likes someone who is not part of the family as the A will try to get round you or manipulate you, also, it suggests that there has to be some kind of "threat" I use that word lightly that you can use against the A, which would normally be something like that you all threaten to stay out of the A's life if they dont give up drinking, or that you wont allow the A to see grandchildren say till they stop, something that might encourage them to want to stop, if the A was working the intervention would be by the employer who would threaten to dismiss the A from his/her job.
I hope you find the help and support you need on this forum, god bless you
Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place for online posts, chat room, and lots of experience, strength, and hope. You didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control. But we can make changes for ourselves.
Hi I searched for many years to find a way to encourage my husband to stop drinking. None of it worked because his disease used my efforts against me.
A agree that intervention doesn't work. Alanon meetings can give you the answers you need. You may find that your father and siblings might not wish to follow your path and thats ok. It has to be their choice to go
We all find our way in our own time and in our own way.
At least 6 meetings might really give you a clearer picture of your part on the alcoholic game. When the people around the alcoholic change their own attitudes and behaviours it amazing what happens. Awareness comes all by itself.
Alittle...no the marriage to my alcoholic ended and that is not the example that should always be suggested or defaulted. Al-Anon doesn't suggest divorce nor does it suggest continuing on...The program suggest participation by the spouse or significant other or close friend of the alcoholic for a period of time working the program suggested by the old timers and sponsors who have worked it that way themselves before making that type of life changing choice.
My marriage ended after we tried and still it should have never started for me. I married my alcoholic while at the same time making plans to terminate the relationship. That is not a rare occasion in the life of enablers. I married my alcoholic to fix her. I married her when she didn't want to be married and I didn't want to be married to her. That is insanity on both of our parts and it is common in alcoholism and alcoholic relationship...Stick around and read the prior posts of our members here at MIP and of the newcomers who come in broken.
I didn't have the 40 years like your Dad has nor did I have very many good times to hope on like you and your family has. For me the situation you, your Dad and sisters are in along with your Mom needs to be filtered thru the experience of the program...really.
Normal people have good times and bad times...even Disney fantasies have ups and downs. I learned to take the bitter with the better and we couldn't survive the disease that was running long before we met. See if your Dad has capacity to keep trying. Tell him that there is a solution if he is willing to participate and then go. Hook him up with us and the other men on the MIP board. Lots of guys here who have already worn your Dad's shoes if he is willing to listen. Mostly the membership here and in Al-Anon are women and that is changing. Alcoholism can tear a man up and leave only ashes as well as it does women. It has no prejudices.
Please keep coming back whatever. You've got perception that they need to have also. Your mom is a human being, a woman, a mother, a wife, a home maker, a child of God and an alcoholic...Lots of value there. Love always. ((((hugs))))
Welcome, you will find stories of encouragement, hope and strength. I have never done an intervention and I'm not familiar with them, however, I know many of the posts and future ones will give good information. I want to encourage you to find a meeting where you can share your story and listen to others. I had a hard time going consistently but now I have a group that is my foundation and helps me tremendously. Also, my Courage to Change Book and my One Day at a Time Book and my Bible strengthen me. All the best to you; keep sharing.
