The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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Since the birth of our child, we've gone through a cycle in our house. It starts with a six pack and a beer or two during the evening, then progressed to the point where my husband was falling asleep on the couch in the basement 5-6 times a week after several beers. One day he said he had a problem. We dumped out all the alcohol in the house and went dry. Things got better and there was less tension since he was now helping out more with the little one during the night. After a few months he bought a six pack again, said he was OK now, and we started all over again. We're going through this for the fourth time now and each time is a little worse. He's scared me more than once with how quickly he gets himself drunk.
This last time around he started hiding the alcohol. After he passed out in the coat closet I realized I'd been fooling myself. I had suspected he was getting drunk again, but lacked any evidence (I looked all over the house, turns out he was hiding it in a small access door in the basement) and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Looking back I kick myself because the signs were so obvious. He passed out in the closet round 845 pm...he was sober when he went downstairs around 815. To get that drunk that fast scares the crap out of me. Each time he admits he has a problem, and I've suggested getting help in the past and he's shrugged it off.
After this last one I told him to get treatment or I was leaving. He went and looked up some groups and came back and started immediately making excuses about why one or the other wouldn't work. I worry about our child's safety. I'm in the military, and my current job has kept me from deploying but all that is about to change. I'll be gone a lot and I cannot trust him to take care of our child. Divorce or separation seems to be the only way to force him to get the help he needs. I don't want to have to send my daughter to live with my mom while I'm gone, but I will.
What gives me pause is the fact that I want to believe him. I want to believe that this time really will be different. He's not abusive, he doesn't drink during the day, holds a job just fine, and he loves our little one and she loves him. But after the last few years I can't help but feel that even if he gets help, eventually he'll slip and what if that slip hurts our child? Am I being too hard? I love him, but have no faith left in him that he will change.
You have a responsibility to your child, who needs your protection. I think it is healthy to consider her safety.
I sooo relate to wanting to believe him... I would be sooo happy when he admitted he had a problem, and then sooo crushed by his denial... over and over again. It made me insane, and that is no exaggeration, my need to control it had escalated to a dangerous point. One day, I picked up one of his golf clubs and threatened him. Thank God, I put it down. But I was still in a rage, so I proceeded into the kitchen and started throwing things. I ended up breaking a window and putting a hole in the wall. Who was more sick? That was the day I reached my bottom.
Somehow, I found my way to al-anon and crawled in. I learned that there was nothing I could do to get him to see a problem, I was indeed powerless over alcoholism. But I could be restored to sanity. There are no adequate words to express my gratitude for this program.
I hope you keep coming back, you will get more clarity on alcoholism and recovery for yourself. I encourage you to find al-anon meetings in your area and let the fellowship support you. You never have to do this alone again.
I especially want to THANK YOU for your service to our country. (((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
For me, I would set something up to have care for my child while I am away and make sure that your husband has visiting rights. THat is a very hard decision to make and I am sure you would benefit from talking it over with your mother etc.
Alanon for me, has taught me the tools I need to gain sanity and happiness, self care, self acceptance and self love. When I used to be rageful, I was so sick and so awful. I hit bottom and came to alanon. I also use tools from Codependents annonomous and adult children of dysfunction. I am learning to detach with love, and to let go and let my higher power do the work. I am working the steps and I feel like a whole different person now, than 5 months ago... Alanon is for you, take care of you :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
In this situation, I think that you have to think of your child's safety. For me this does not involve leaving a minor with someone drunk, someone likely to get drunk, etc. It is illegal. Talk to your Mom, have plan B in place. His recovery is his business but your life is your life and I know that this is hard but he is suffering from an illness. Like the other posts say, detach with love on this one.
I think we have all walked the path you are on before we found our own recovery. Our stories may differ but our feelings and experiences so simaliar. I believe Alanon suggest you work the program at least 6 months before making any major life decisions...such as divorce However you have a child who needs protecting and the child must come first. So if you need to send her to your mothers than do so. Alcoholics/addicts do not seek recovery until they hit bottom or choose to do so. And as it is a progressive disease it will only get worse, never better until your husband truly embraces recovery. It is also a family disease, none of us are spared the effects of the worst this disease has to offer. Which is why getting yourself into recovery is the best gift you can give yourself and your child. If you can find a meeting in your area and start attending, as your travel may impede this we also have meetings online here twice daily in the meeting/chat room. The healthier you get and the more you are educated on this disease you will be able to devlop healthier coping skills and be able to make more informed decisions. In the mean time keep your little one safe and take care of yourself. Wishing you the best Blessings
Thank you all for your thoughts and kind words. I'm attending my first meeting tonight and have been trying to get myself ready for it. From what I've read on the boards I'd better bring some kleenex. I'm so glad my dad (also an alcoholic) told me about this group. i don't think i would have found it on my own. thank you all!
Enjoy your meeting, I bet there will be kleenex available, no worry you want be the first or the last to use them. At my group we keep a box at both ends of the table.
Congratulations on starting your recovery. Keep coming back and let us know about your first face 2 face meeting.
Aloha Ellarose...That was some good stuff that responded to your post. MIP and Al-Anon will save your life and the life of your child...not to mention help your alcoholic too...when you come here, ask for help, listen, learn and then practice what the others have done that worked for them.
I have a more analytical twist to my recovery that I practiced also and suggest from it that you learn as much about the disease as you can. For instance what you have been witnessing (it's getting worse) is part of the progressiveness of the disease. It never gets better only worse. It is fatal in that if the alcoholic does not arrest it (cannot be cured) by total abstinence he will blow right past the insanity it has brought him and the family into and result in his death and or the death of others (I've witnessed both...maybe you have also). Fear is the grandest emotion of the alcoholic and that justifies the lying, cheating and stealing the alcoholic will do to continue drinking. Addiction, obsession, and compulsion help that emotion to run wild. When he is doing that stuff, lying, hiding, justifying, denial, refusals etc etc...he is not bad he is sick; displaying the characteristics of alcoholism.
Part of my "coming to understand" mostly came from the rooms of Al-Anon and I am sooo glad too that I took the opportunity to go to college to answer some of the larger "whys" I lived with. Alcoholism has been the part of my entire life and still is because it also led me into recovery.
Glad you found MIP and hope you will keep coming back so we can support you as you support us. (((((hugs)))))
You have described OUR insanity perfectly , we believe the lies ,we lie for them we make excuses for crappy behavior and we do it over and over again this time thinking it will be diferent and it never is , well thats not true it gets worse . Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself learn what you can do to help yourself as there is nothing you can do about him .. threats dont work , tears dont work , begging dosent work ,nothing works because your trying to solve a problem that has nothing to do with you ..it affects your life but your not the reason he drinks so anything u try to do to force the issue is doomed to fail . Get the focus back on yourself and your child where it belongs you can change yourself .. thinking of you today Louise
Hi Ella and welcome, I could have written your post, 23 years ago, fast forward and I walked out 8 months ago, having just lived through 23 years of what you are going through now, I also wanted to belive him, hes a good man, loves our son, and me, and is not abusive, he often said he had a problem, often went without for months on end, but it always came back around again,
when I look back now all I see is 23 years of him lying to me and to himself, and my believing him, he has stopped now, because I walked out and he is trying to reconcile with me, if I could turn the clock back to when our son was a baby, I would walk out, and not go through the next 23 years, I hope through this forum and the meetings you get the support you need, god bless you
