The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has been in recovery and going to AA almost daily for 3 weeks. Today he sent me an email, addressed to "Santa," saying he had been a very bad boy this year, but if he changed his ways could he have this? With a link to a brand new sports car that he's been eyeing but I have told him in the past wasn't in the budget.
Um My personal response would be Santa is done filling requests this year and is now busy wrapping. But will put it on the list for next year That is just my 2 cents Blessings
I was thinking more along the lines of "Dear AH, if you do change your ways your gift for next year will be to feel like a happy, whole, human being for the first time in years. PS I'll be bringing your wife a big pile of presents this year though, because SHE's the one who deserves the reward for living with your lying alcoholic behavior for the past four years and not throwing your sorry butt out."
Yeah, it would be wrong to send it but I feel better having typed it here.
Is he serious? Why do men think if they are good they deserve something in return? Women are good all the time, by that I mean we tow the line, raise the kids, pay the bills, run the home and we dont get to have sports cars, why not respond and say you would love to buy this for him, but had already ordered it for yourself! after all if he can have one why cant you??????
Sounds to me like a typical sick A thing to say. What is he learning in this 3 weeks? Certainly not that for him to want something bad enough, he needs to get it for himself!
Sadly it does not sound that this person is taking his recovery seriously. Since when is a persons recovery based on good or bad?
The strongest recovery programs I have seen are ones who went to detox, rehab. and many times staying in a sober facility for over a year, and doing their 90 in 90.
I have heard it takes at least 16 weeks to change a habit. I am talking a regular non A habit.
For an A think about how many things they need to change to be whole, in recovery.
I know it is normal for us to respond in an angry or frustrated way. Sadly it is very clear how sick he is.
Even if he is joking, the thought is there, ya know?
good for YOU for not responding. Shows you know it is only insanity, no reason to respond.
Its as crazy if he said he wanted you to send him wings.
Thank you all... I'm so glad I had a place of understanding where I can go and say what I REALLY want to say and save the right thing to say (aka nothing) for real life.
I am resisting and resisting his efforts to pull me back into being his parent. I am not his parent, and do not enjoy being his parent, even though it is a familiar place for me to be, it is not a healthy place. I will repeat this to myself until I can do it without thinking about it. :)
He also told me it hurts his feelings when I ask him if he has been drinking, when he is trying so hard (he sounded on the phone like he had been). I fought myself not to apologize but did not say I was sorry! I only said "I will not ask again." Which is the right thing for me anyway. But I was so proud for not apologizing! Yay me, two victories in one evening!
One of my friends in the other program had been doing kinda...sorta the same thing and his Al-Anon Spouse for the same reason said the same thing...Well I haven't seen my friend in the other program for over a week...kinda has dropped out of sight and I found out taken the "new" sports car anyway. She's powerless and pissed and still in program. He's got his sports car and somewhere else? hmmmm reminds me of a metaphor my early sponsor taught me as a confused newbie; "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck?" ..... It's a duck!! Quack!
I know it's early, but- really??