The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is still trapped in the cycle. I no longer believe his promises to continue going to AA, to find a sponsor, to listen to his new therapist who specializes in addiction. The last time we went through this cycle; I found him an outpatient treatment but he won't do it. Said he wants to handle it. He's only managed to sit through one AA meeting and keeps insisting that 'he isn't like them'.
This weekend was particularly difficult. I made a terrible step-parenting faux pas. I tried to parent my unruly, ill-mannered stepchildren. This upset my husband and I realize I was wrong to do it but when he once again drank to the point of passing out and left me to put them to bed, it set the weekend off on the wrong foot.
My husband was upset that I wasn't just allowing his children to be monsters and he was right. We have completely different expectations of how children should behave, boundaries, consequences etc. However, I should let him do it. I apologized and took my 'scolding' I then backed off. I said nothing for the rest of the weekend when they were misbehaving just let him do it. I also told my children that if they can no longer count on me but need to alert their stepfather when their stepbrother or sister is bothering them.
He used this incident to get drunk both Sunday night and last night and then engaged me in a verbal fight on Monday night. He drinks secretly, so he doesn't think I know that he's drunk but I am not stupid.
How do you respond to someone whose in your face? How do you talk to someone about issues that really do need to be talked about? How do you contain your own anger and frustration?
new therapist who specializes in addiction. The last time we went through this cycle; I found him an outpatient treatment but he won't do it. Said he wants to handle it. He's only managed to sit through one AA meeting and keeps insisting that 'he isn't like them'.
One of the last conversations I had with my dad, that's exactly what he said verbatim. He had been to an AA meeting recently (he did go occasionally over a 4+ year period) and had concluded "I'm not like them". He was right; they were sober and alive. He was drinking gin around the clock and two weeks later he was dead.
I used to have a bf with unruly children. I got rid of the bf. My child was unhappy and was bullied in a manipulative quiet way. The kids dad obviously didn't mind them doing that as he overlooked most of their terrible behavior. Really overlooking it is what created that behavior in his children. My bf too said he would be the one to discipline his children. I had nothing to do with it, but since he overlooked things my child was completely naked to put up with these behaviors without aid. It is my job as a parent to teach my child acceptable boundaries and for me that looked like my child seeing me setting them for myself and my child.
I do not respond to someone that is in my face. I remove myself from the situation. I have a lock on the bedroom door that my A does not have a key to for times when he is difficult. There is a fridge, tv and all the luxuries I need in there.
I also go out. I tell my A I would love to talk later, just not at that moment. I use lots of the strategies in the "Getting them Sober" book. I go quickly to a quiet place and read my one liners, slogans and aid that is of particular help to me. I can do this in the bathroom and he can't really say "No you can't go pee". :)
I have my life so separate there are no things left that really need to be talked about. Finances are separate, I am a single parent if required etc.
Anger and frustration for me are contained within the books, speakers and program of Al-anon. I phone Al-anon friends too. I am deeply involved in my program, and the more involved I am, the less anger I feel with him.
I also told my children that if they can no longer count on me but need to alert their stepfather when their stepbrother or sister is bothering them.
Just my .02 - but children need to learn healthy boundary setting skills. Most of this is learned and imitated from parent figures. I didn't learn to set boundaries. My parents (mom and stepfather) had none between them. They both took and dished out very unacceptable behavior, and the resulting environment was toxic. In my case, my stepfather was abusive and my mother would never say or do anything about it. I did not know how to protect myself when I got to be an adult - didn't even know that setting boundaries or not accepting bad behavior was even an option. When I was learning about boundaries and saying "no," just the thought of saying "no" filled me with anxiety.
Not at all suggesting that this is what is going on at your house... from the standpoint of a child of a blended family, I can understand how this situation is delicate and difficult. Children need to learn healthy boundary setting skills, however, if they are going to be able to use those skills as adults. It is not a "do as I say and not as I do" thing.
My children are 17 and 15 and so far that have been over the top tolerant of their stepbrother (9) and stepsister (6). Both have come to me with complaints about their stepsiblings outrageous behaviour and I've told them that I can't step in but I want them to speak up to their stepfather for help. My children are very polite almost to a fault and they've put up with enough. They hide whenever the two younger ones show up and refuse to go on outings with them and I don't blame them.
Hopefully, my husband will do something. At least for my sons sakes, anyway.
I am a firm believer is structure, routine and boundaries. Included in boundaries is respect for each other. That's how I raised my boys and they turned out pretty awesome. These children are sooo disrespectful of each other and everyone. They don't respect other people's property, bodies, space...whatever. They speak to each other in ways that I would never tolerate of my children and they often hit each other or threaten violence. Oh, and the words 'please' 'thank you' and 'you're welcome' are completely foreign to them.
I had hoped that by giving them this structure they'd calm down and my children would be more willing to participate in family events. I was wrong.
These issues need to be dealt with between my husband and I but he sees everything as an 'attack' and an excuse to drink.
-- Edited by eyeswideopen on Tuesday 21st of December 2010 03:38:07 PM
-- Edited by eyeswideopen on Tuesday 21st of December 2010 03:39:38 PM
That's a familiar sentiment, Eyes - about your A seeing everything as an "attack" and excuse to drink. My mom and my exAH are both still active A's. They both continue to blame their drinking on other people for attacking, or for causing stress, or for stuff that happened in the past, etc. I guess there's always a "reason," if a person wants to find one - but the truth is that alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics, and that's it and that's all.
If your husband had a brain tumor, and acted like he is, would you ever try to get anything healthy going with him?
Your husband is very ill. He is in no space to even comprehend what you are talking about. I know it is horrible and so darn hard!
I feel very sad for his kids.
since there can be no meeting of the minds on this, you are the only one who can decide if you can live with this.
Sadly it can get so much worse. These kids are crying out for attention, boundaries, routine. I am in agreement with you.
But as a step parent, you know how it is best to support the bio parents rules or lack of them.
I don't know if you can catch A in a lucid time so you can talk. I know it was almost impossible with mine. Actually even if you think you made progress, they get drunk or whatever and don't care anymore.
You are asking some very tough questions, maybe ones that honestly have no answer you may want to accept. Does their bio mother know that A is drunk when the kids are with you?
I don't know how often the kids are there, or your situation, but for me, though I would hate to leave my home, I would plan time away when they were there. Take my kiddos and go camping, hotel, relatives, whatever.
I sure know it is not fair. All I know is there are things I have to do for myself. I cannot change anyone else. Sounds like A has made his stance clear.
The situation is complicated by the fact that their bio mother is a sociopath. She has moved the man she was cheating on my husband with into their home along with his children and it seems she is now cheating on this man. She is a pathological liar, embezzler, con artist. There is not one redeeming quality about her. The only reason she has custody is because of the draconian laws of the state we live in which still think we are in the 1950s and if a woman with a master's degree and potential to earn 175K wants to stay at home then she must be a good mom and be supported financially. If she knew he was drinking when the kids were here, she'd probably take them away. Which is very sad because the years that she was cheating on my husband, he was their primary caregiver. She never made a breakfast, a lunch or dinner almost the whole time they were together.
But now that she has a brand-new live-in substitute who is doing exactly the same things for her, she wouldn't hesitate to take custody away.
Yes, she sets a fine example for her kids which is why I wanted to try to maintain some sort of boundaries for them here.
My husband wants to talk and communicate but I've said we need a third-party. If I try to talk to him about his children's behaviour he sees it as an attack on him personally. He does have moments of lucidity, which is when I'd like to try to talk to him.
I'm not working right now so a hotel is out and I have no relatives close by but I think I will plan outings with my boys during his visitations.
Wow, blended families, I hear they are complicated and difficult without alcoholism.
I have no experience wtih this personally, but I have friends and brothers with blended families. My brother had a step daughter from hell and was advised by his psychiatrist to pack and run while he had the chance. lol
You are brave and are probably the only sane one of the bunch.
Just remember to take care of yourself thru all of this, your not Superwoman!
We can only achieve so much in a day. Take care of you and your own children, you cannot save him and his children, they started their dynamics a long time ago.
Keep sticking with the program and do whats best for you.
I hear exactly what you are saying regarding raising responsible healthy children. Thank goodness your children are not the younger ones where bullying can take place. Are your children in alateen? That may aid them in dealing with the behaiours of the A.
How to talk with things that need to be talked about? I don't. When recovery is practiced only then am a able to discuss matters. Until then everything is a reason to drink, a reason to attack and a reason to make me the bad guy. As much as I have wanted to discuss issues that I believe are a requirement, the disease has not allowed that. I had to learn to accept that is the way it is and find a way around it. Lots of that for me had to do with letting go of control. To me things that are a requirement may not be to someone else.
I would very much like to get my kids into Alateen but there's no too many meetings available in our area. We are moving to a rural area soon and hopefully they'll be one or two in the neighbouring state.
You are right, as long as he refuses to commit to his recovery no discussions can be held or committed to.
I think the issue of the A's family is always a loaded one. Generally they are not exactly functional. No one is going to be able to impose boundaries right away and be perfect. I know with the ex a's mother I set a lot of boundaries around time, space and effort. If your A is not available do you have a back up you can rely on? Is there a family member on his side you can bring in.
I had many a third party interaction with the ex A, he could look and sound wonderful to others. He never did anything he did not want to do. No matter what he said to others, no matter what the commitment, drugs and alcohol were his primary motivation always. I looked like an anxious, over bearing hysteric. The ex A would lie convincingly to anyone, police, his mother, his employers, his friends, his neighbors. I was always the fall guy until I started working a program really hard.
You are in a very very tough spot I am glad you are leaning on the program.
In my experience, being on the other end, I have two kids and my bf does not, I fully allow him to parent the kids because our parenting beliefs are in alignment. If my bf had a child of his own, I would not hesitate to parent that child either. Maybe you can look up some information on blended families to show you ah that both parents (even step-parents) need to parent the children. Maybe come up with a discipline thing that works for both of you, what I mean is rules that everyone has to follow and definite boundaries and consequences for everyone that doesn't follow. At my house, we have the kids follow certain rules, we have certain consequences and we also make sure they have the same routines and chores every week. Just remember to focus on you and keep working toward a common goal in parenting. I can't believe he would not ALLOW you to parent his kids, you are married to him, therefore those kids are part yours now. I lived with a rageful rage-aholic for 9 years, had my second son with him. I know the feeling of walking on egg shells and how bad it is for one kid to be treated one way and one another by the step parent. its not right for the kids. Take care of you :)
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
The "them" you want to talk to is not a normal person...change "them" for "alcoholic" and/or "addict" and then look for solutions. I don't engage with a practicing alcoholic and/or addict on any meaningful level because there is no meaningful levels. They are "altered" mind, body, spirit and emotions...what did I hope to attain by trying to speak with or engage with my alcoholic/addict when I didn't even have an idea about where she was at and what condition her system was in.
I learned to leave her alone...not engage...help her out by not doing this and part of the solution to that are in the lessons of detaching from her. When I detached she had no one or nothing to disturb her thinking about where she was at and how she got there...eventually she got into recovery for herself.
Not engaging is about me working on me...has nothing to do with her. God...Me... the program of Al-Anon...my sponsor...literature...steps...traditions...slogans and then over and over again. No alcoholic in there at all.
Keep coming back cause it works. There are success stories here too. ((((hugs))))
