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My AH goes through phases where he manipulates me. I don't believe him when he gives me compliments because I just think he wants something. He manipulated me last week so much that I finally cussed him out. I apologized, but now we are not talking. What is a more constructive way to respond to manipulation. Anger is the only one that I regularly practice which is no good for me anymore. It is hard to detach to manipulation for me because it literally makes me sick. He is living under very poor conditions. I feel like a grinch because I know he expects me to pay for him to have a new water heater. I know he resents me because I haven't bought him one. I have the money in his eyes, but I really do not. My children come first. He keeps saying he will get a job, but never does. I'm so frustrated right now, and I'm tired of feeling weird every time I get to get something new just because he is not able to. I just need to leave him alone so he willl quit depending on me and do stuff on his own. How is that supposed to work, we are married. He hates me right now because I am not taking care of him. He says as his wife I should be doing this, taking care of him and providing for him, as he would do the same, and does yet in different ways.
Hi Kath sorry to hear this, you could respond by saying "I will look after you when I see you looking after yourself, by that I mean when you work to provide your own money, when you stop drinking because its bad for your heatlh, when you do these things I will respect you and encourage you"
I found for me that manipulation was my greatest irritant. Upon looking at it, I wasn't really so upset that he was manipulative, but that I was not equipped to not be affected by it or allow it to bring the desired result by him. I felt like I had been had all the time and I was really pissed off.
I went out and got a book "In Sheeps Clothing" and it aided me greatly in being able to recognize manipulation as it was happening, not afterwards. That was a huge aid for me. I work on my own boundaries consistently before manipulation has occurred to that I can avoid even dealing with it in the future.
When it comes to money I am aware that my A probably wants me to feel guilty as then I am more willing to cave in to his emotional demands. I just remind myself about self care, what I work for and what I am deserving of. I leave what is up to my A to him. I keep in mind that the more I feel guilty, the more I need to be working my program.
I should be doing what I feel is right for myself, not what someone else decides is right for them. I am only responsible for myself in life, and I try to leave others to be responsible for themselves.
I always found it interesting with my exAH that he was always able to afford to buy his booze and other things that suited his hobbies and interests, but always complained about not having enough money to help with the general household bills... utilities, phone, groceries, rent.
I got the guilt trip lines from him, too... "If it were the other way around, I'd do it for you." He probably would at first, but I can imagine his resentment would build if he was continually having to "do it" (whatever "it" is) for me over and over and over because I wouldn't make any efforts to improve things myself.
One of the ROUGHEST things I had to learn in Al-Anon was to be okay when others are not. And that also meant being okay with someone not liking me or being mad at me because I put my foot down. It is an extremely uncomfortable place to be.
I often found myself repeating over and over to myself "What you think of me is none of my business."
A's are great manipulators, though - they're fantastic at playing the guilt card and bring it out any time it will benefit them. They have no qualms about tearing someone down to get what they want. The disease is particularly nasty in that way.
Manipulation is HUGE and it is astounding how A's master and work it.
It took me a long time to realize that it was manipulation that was causing me to be increasingly reactive. I didn't know why I was feeling so badly. I tried harder and harder, as I wanted to please and have approval.
I confused the feelings of insanity being caused by me not doing things 'right' or 'good enough', etc. I felt responsible and guilty if things weren't good. Oh, how I fell into the rut of blaming myself and thinking I could control things... but, I didn't recognized it as such until recently. I still need to be mindful when I get that punched-in-the-stomach feeling to figure out where it is coming from.
My exAH always had money for whatever he wanted (trips to Europe, meals at fancy restaurants, etc), but did not want the grocery budge to change when our daughter was born. He commanded an exceptional salary and did not want to pay for diapers. It sounds funny, but he really pressured me about this.
Now he is suing me so he can pay his responsibilities to our daughter because he does not feel he should have to save for them. ... he didn't buy our daughter a Christmas gift last year... not sure if he will this year. He threw so many lies to the court recently, trying to obfuscate the truth.
I could go on and on. They need to create chaos- I guess it feeds into the manipulation and their trying to feel in control. It is so much easier for them to say it is our responsibility than for them to take ownership of their responsibilities.
I get so irritated when other's buy into their lies and manipulations and it affects me adversely.
You're right, the best thing we can do is recognize what it is and work our own program. Glad you are here.
It is amazing how draining and overwhelming it can be to be with someone who has so many expectations of us. After a while of dealing with it and keeping quiet - I spoke my mind. It was not nice, I was not nice - but it is what it is. I did the best I could at the time. I am working on changing my reactions and to say what I mean without being mean. It is just so difficult to not judge or have expectations of others - to not put them on your timeline or try to change them - to support them, try to help - to only have them say it just isn't enough. It hurts. Hopefully someday I can stop expressing my hurt as anger. I think it is going to take some practice.
Taking care of yourself and enjoying the things you work hard for is the right thing to do in my book. I too felt guilty for succeeding while he scraped by. It was hard not to help more than I did. But I knew that he needed to do this for himself. More than anything I wanted him to believe in his own worth - and there is nothing I could do to make that happen - he had to do it himself. Finally after a couple of months of him blaming his unhappiness on me - I just exploded and gave it to him with both barrels. Wasn't pretty - but I just couldn't help it! He was sitting around doing nothing for the advancement of himself or our relationship and he was upset at me about the results. It is not my responsibility to make him happy and trying to do it was just exhausting.
But I must say - that the anger I exhibited I regret enough to make changes in my life. I don't want to be that person anymore. I am currently reading a book called "Responding to Anger" - and it is a VERY difficult read for me emotionally. I have a lot of work to do.
Keep practicing - I know I sure will.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
