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My AH and I went shopping and running around and things. Nothing dramatic. I knew he had been drinking, he always drinks, 15,20,25 beer a day.
We have been together for 11 years, and I have two children from a prior marriage, 17 and 18 yo.
Daughter was at work, Son was at the mall. We were sitting in the living room and all hell broke loose.
He started with the whining and complaing about the kids being worthless, me being worthless, called me all kinds of names, and said all kinds of mean things to me, calling me names I can' even print here.
Not sure where it came from. Now I know that I did the 'wrong' thing. I reacted, when I shouldn't have. But I couldn't take it, and just was stupid.
So he kept it up, it finally got to the point I called him and f'ing drunk.
So then he came at me swinging, pulling my hair hitting me, etcetera. I'm not a tiny fraile woman, and I don't hit like a girl, and I'm hitting him back screaming and yelling and being ridiculous.
I finally just stopped, told him I was done. Started tidying up the house because I didn't know when my kids were coming home and didn't want them to see things all jacked up.
He's still screaming and yelling at me and carrying on like a fool. And I'm trying to keep my cool and ignore him. That was really hard, as again, he's relaying all my worthless traits and how horrible I am and why everything in the world is my fault.
Then he wants to pretend everything is fine.
I laid awake all night, and when it was daylight yesterday I got up and started wrapping gifts and trying to ignore him. I can't even stand to look at him still today.
So he approached me, blubbering like a fool, carrying on, he loves me so much, he's sorry for everything he's said and done and wants our relationship to work.
He says, I'm sorry I say and do things when I'm mad that I don't mean.
I looked at him, and don't you mean you say and do things when you are drunk, which is every day.
Again, I'm not sure what my point is.....to bait him ? to be right ? to get the upper hand ?
At the end of the day, none of it matters, because I'm the one that is still dealing with an Alcoholic in denial. He doesn't have a problem......when I approach him, yes I probably drink too much. I told him there is no probably...you DO drink to much....his response is always. I'll figure it out.
I guess he might figure it out when he is homeless on the street, because I can't live the rest of my life like this.
I guess, in the insanity of my mind is that I don't understand how he can be so blind. He has a father that is an alcoholic, and has been in AA since I've met him. He has a cousin that 5 years ago finally went to AA, and is sober since.
This isn't something new and shocking in the family, and yet, any time I talk to anyone in the family, they all know he's an alcoholic. They don't care, he has me. They are just sitting back waiting for him to hit bottom, and letting me and my life deal with the fall out.
Gee Thanks.
Okay...sorry I don't know what the point of this post is, other than I wanted to try to share this frustration, as I did last night for the online meeting. Reading everyone's thoughts and feedback helped me keep my brain clear last night.
But now I'm really mad again, and I would just like to smack him, pack his bags and tell him to go to hell.
Where does he get off, making me pay for his weakness.
I feel like a babysitter, somewhere I got signed up to care for him and change my life to suit him, and now I'm miserable and discontent.
It's tough. I'm so glad you de-escalated the fight before it got any worse. It is very worrying when things begin to get violent.
They can't give up the bottle ... but we also can't give them up, isn't that right? When I try to fathom how they can keep on with their addiction when it's so destructive, I remember my own addiction (to him). So frustrating always to have to take care of myself! (That sounds joky but I mean it!)
-- Edited by Mattie on Sunday 19th of December 2010 05:44:35 PM
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this horrific disease. Glad you have found this Board and do hope you can find face to face meetings in your community It is so important to break the isolation, connect with others who understand as few others can and learn new tools to deal with the madness.
We need support to use this program instead of reacting.
you sound so tired in your post, so worn down, exhausted, I am so sorry to hear you feel like this, I read today that the alcoholic cant give up the drink and we cant give up the alcoholic, it sure rang true to me!
I relate!! and as I do I think about the stuff you didn't mention probably because you haven't made them available to you...the tools. Shucks! that would have come out a ton different and mostly better if you had had a sponsor to call and meetings to take off to and literature to go read etc etc.
You paint a great picture of insanity and know this you can change it with help from others in the program.
One of the "normal" things about alcoholism is "feeling bad". If I wasn't feeling bad I didn't think I had feelings at all. Fighting vs being quiet is also one of the normal behaviors of alcoholism. All of it comes under the file "insanity". When you get to that part of "not reacting" and "participating" in it you will be doing the abnormal and necessary change to the disease.
That's not a nice picture at all. "Crazy making" is how we use to talk about it.
Keep coming back and great you checked in with it. (((hugs)))
hi Dawn, sorry you had to go through all that. I can relate...not much physical violence here other than me throwing something across the room once but the emotional and mental turmoil from participating in the insanity and getting drawn into it....that, I relate to!
Every time I even spoke with AH while he was drunk, I regretted it. WHen I argued with him while he was drunk, I regretted it more. The time I threw something across the room, I regretted that...and all the other times I called him a drunk and called him names (I used to be a horrible name caller), I regretted it.
I regretted it because the next thing you knew, I was the one feeling bad, I was the one apologizing!
And that is what the A's want. That is what the disease wants. I think in some twisted way the disease tells the A's that "see....your wife is crazy, not the booze's fault!".
It gets easier, with meetings and great literature and support... it DOES get easier...you will learn the tools to not give in and play into the drama. Too ignore it.
When I manage to summon the courage and strength to walk away, to refuse to discuss or explain anything while AH is drunk, it is hard, but I end of feeling so GOOD, so proud of myself. And it gets easier.
Thanks. I think I'm still having a hard time with all of this.
A hard time accepting it's a disease, when it's so much simpler to blame him. To me it's a conscious choice to drink or not to drink. And it feels so much like he quite simply made the choice of the beer over me, or a future.
I'm frustrated at the whole thing. I'm frustrated that he's a lying, sneaking drinker, and the compulsion to lie has turned our entire life into being a ridiculous sorry lie.
I'm angry with myself that I put up with him.
I'm resentful that I have changed who I am, (and by the way I don't like me much), to be with him.
I'm resentful that I'm the babysitter, the grown up the caregiver, the bill payer, the peacekeeper, the designated driver, and the fixer of everything.
I'm resentful that I can't make plans to go out for an evening, and have a glass or two of wine, and enjoy myself, because I have to be his mother.
Glad you're here at MIP - have you been to any f2f meetings yet? They have helped me beyond measure to put the focus back on what I can control.
When my AH was relapsing and I was trying to stop him, I told my sponsor that I couldn't go to a meeting because I needed to be home in case he came home - so he wouldn't drink. She asked me what good being home had done in the past ... he drank anyway, right? Being home prevented nothing. Even if he didn't drink in front of my face, he drank. Wasn't a darned thing I ever did that made him stop. So, the point was ... why sit at home waiting for him? Why sit at home thinking that if I'm at home something is going to change? Why NOT go out with friends and have a good time? I'm NOT his mother - and the program has helped me to learn how to focus on myself instead of trying to be.
You're not a witch at all - I don't know of anybody here who hasn't felt like you do at some point or another. :)
Been there and I always felt terrible after, mostly at myself for coming unglued.
We are only human, we pick ourselves up and start again and hopefully each time it happens, we get better at it. For sure the poison they are spewing is mis-directed and its probably how they are feeling about themselves.
We seem to be in the path of their wrath and the more we dont react, maybe just maybe they will see that it is mis directed. My XAH got to the point where he didnt even apologize anymore. When we build our boundaries and practice sticking to them, we get better at it and we feel better.
The great thing is that we can begin again and dont be so hard on yourself.
The longer you live with a pracitcing alcoholic the sicker you become. Your children will be affected as well. It was through the grace "god" "good karma" -call it waht you will that I made into the AA rooms and am now heading into my 7th year. My father was a functionig alcoholic, so was my grandfather. Denial runs oh so deep and powerlessness is powerlessness. I to blamed my husband for everything, took years together for granted, and didn't grow up. I didn't need to -he took care of everything, turned his head. I didn't start taking alanon seriously until he finally gathered enough sense together and left me. now I'm in alanon to get the other half of me well. The phamplet " AMerry-go Round Named denial is a life saver for me. Whenever I read it I feel like a new pair of glasses have been given. One's I can actually see through. Stay strong by not playing the victim -it will only give a reason to drink, and keeping your program strong. Good luck and remember alcoholism has a life of it's own. You can't solve it by thinking your way out. We need support and the program. It works. blessings
You became a member of MIP 7 days ago. The feelings your having are normal. I guarantee you this disease would drive the "Director of an Insane Asylum" crazy. Gosh, I've been where you are. I hated the feeling. I have been so upset inside I wanted to throw the remote through the T.V. set. I never did, but I wish I had. I think it would have made me feel better at the time.
I didn't know which way to turn. Lucky I turned to Al-Anon and I wasn't alone in the disease anymore. Members in my f2f meetings had been where I was. Had walked in my shoes. Wanted me to have what they had. They accepted me with open arms just as the members of this board accept and understand what you are going through. Jerry mentioned tools of the program. Several come to mind that if practiced can change your life. Easy does it. One day at a time. Baby steps. Detaching, and my favorite...Don't React. Those are only words to you now as they were to me when I first stumbled through the doors of Al-Anon. But in time and with practice they became a life changer for me. Not overnight (seven days) but slowly as I continued to go to my f2f meetings and make the program an everyday part of my life.
I live with an active alcoholic. I don't count cans, but I know how many cans come in a 12 pack, and I see an empty one everyday. I say that to say this, I am where you are, living in the disease. I had to make a decision to change my way of thinking. It was my only choice because I couldn't change my alcoholic wife. I changed because I was told by the program that I could be happy whether the alcoholic in my life was drinking or not. It didn't matter whether it was a disease or not (which I know it to be), what mattered was I was being effected by her drinking. I was letting her drinking control my mind, body, and spirit. I changed because I didn't like what I had become.
That was four years ago. I still go to two f2f meeting each week. I use the tools of the program everyday. I practice the program to the best of my ability. And I come to MIP daily and read and learn from others ES&H. Most important I have learned how to be happy again.
Dawn put the focus on yourself and not the alcoholic. Try to find f2f meetings you can attend. Start taking care of you first. Your life will get better, not overnight but one day at a time. Like me you deserve it.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 20th of December 2010 02:05:48 AM
Please if your not attending Al-Anon f2f find a couple of meetings , you need support from people who understand . remember most of what he says is Booze talk - and its garbage treat it that way . put it out to the curb. Violence is not the answer lowering yourself to his level only makes you feel guilty your a lady start treating yourself with respect . An alcoholic will do and say anything to get the focus off them selves and who knows us better than our spouse ? attacking your children is where your most vulnerable and he knows it you react and disease wins . walk away , go out for coffee with a friend , go the mall and people watch great time of yr to do that . Take care of you find meetings make new friends our kids deserve one sane parent , it only takes one person to change to create change and if we want change we have to be willing to create it . thinking of you today . Louise
I too had a hard time realizing it was a disease. It is a disease of the mind, body and spirit. Just as codependency and Alanonism is a disease. The symptoms of our disease, being codependent or in alanon are that we obsess with the addict/alcoholic or anyone/anything else so we dont' have to feel our own pain. The symptoms of the alcoholic/addict's disease is that they use the substance to not have to feel their pain. It is just as much a mental illness as depression or the like. For me, when I started to concentrate on me and put work into myself, I began to feel better and be able to detach from my abf. I detach with love, and I know that means I am allowing him to be himself. I can be happy regardless if he uses or not. Because of alanon and my sponsor and my great HP, I can be happy :) I am learning to accept and love myself. Alanon is for you, take care o fyou :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
