The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So the post by MJ today about Right and Wrong got me thinking - and as usual I had an "ah ha" moment. The problem is, I don't see the answer yet.
My parents weren't very forthcoming with love, in my mom's home if there were emotions it was anger, and in my Dad's there just were no emotions allowed at all. I cherished that. I will take nothing over screaming and fist fights any day. Things have improved in that area as we have all gotten older. My brothers, who were involved in my care more than my parents, were very rigid. I had to keep up. I couldn't be scared or vulnerable. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. I was raised as one of the boys - and seeing how they were all older I was not only not allowed to be a girl, I was not allowed to me young. They are still like that to this day. "Get over it" would pretty much sum it up.
I watch them with their significant others. I see them attracted to women who are a bit frailer than I am. I watch them compensate for that - put up with so much they would NEVER allow with me - take care of them - and want to smack them up side the head - "Hey! why do you tolerate that when you STILL don't with me????? I am a GIRL you know!!!"
I've known the answer all along, though I would never admit it. Men by nature like to "take care of" just as much as women, just in a different way. They are the men, they are supposed to be stronger. I can't tell you how many relationships I have been in where I say to myself "Geeez, am I always going to end up being the man in the relationship?"
I mean come on, is this not a John Wayne world??? (sarcasm - but with a hint of poking fun at myself) I guess I need to break that part of me. I mean really - "Never say sorry - it is a sign of weakness" ~ John Wayne. Pretty much sums it up. Then when you look at other wise things he said (a LOT of sarcasm here) I realize perhaps it is time to give up on the stoic bull crap and learn how to actually have a relationship. The military would have been a good place for me I think. I really do take the view with my partners of "quit sniveling, get up off your bum and do something about it!"
Not very condusive to an intimate relationship.
I have heard from more than one person - "There is this time when you are really tired - you are laying in bed about to go to sleep - and you open up. You are innocent and soft. I really like you then." Wow - when you hear that from more than one person - perhaps you should pay attention.
I was about to ask "But how do you turn that off? It is just who I am." But my program already told me the answer. Practice! Just work on it. Pay attention. I don't have to be more "needy" but I can accept help. I can be more kind, soft, and open. I would not say I am mean, crass, or hard. I am just all about business. I am quiet. Well, if you poke me and make me mad, I can be WICKED mean and not even raise my voice. Not very proud of that. I have a horrible gift of slicing people to the core. Thank goodness that doesn't happen often and takes some work to achieve.
But there ya go. That was my ah ha moment of the day.
Time to get to work! And THAT is something I am good at. Work. So perhaps someday there will be a kinder, gentler, more open woman who is willing to let someone pitch in. And perhaps - I will even let them whine once in a while .
tlc
-- Edited by tlcate on Saturday 18th of December 2010 10:55:06 PM
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Aloha tlcate...good one...I can use this to ponder cause it hits some areas for me that once were much more important than today. I can ask myself have I done the work I needed to do to bring myself to a healthier recovery. Higher education.
((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 19th of December 2010 08:38:47 PM
Good share, Tricia. Who I am and why has been working overtime within me lately. Its getting easier and easier to see who I am and why, but then figuring out a game plan to fix it still alludes me.. Practice? Ahhh, yes...
Thanks, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Hmm, I guess that's why they call it practicing the program. It never says anything in the lit about a final exam, pass or fail. Just practice, practice, practice. One day at a time.
Great share. Thank you.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thank you for a powerful post. I am so grateful to know I am not alone.
For me, I know I can't change myself, but I can express my willingness to HP, who will remove my defects in His perfect timing. My sponsor has me using the antonym dictionary. Knowing what my character defects are, I then look up the antonym to create an affirmation or a prayer for myself as part of steps 6 and 7.
Antonyms for "rigid" = flexible, tolerant, adaptable, moving
Possible Affirmations:
"It is safe to be flexible in my thinking... I share my feelings and my love...."
"I am adaptable, completely open to life and to joy."
"I am moving forward, free from the past.... I am safe. I am free."
You get the idea, it's about expressing my willingness. I used to put post-its up around but now I make 3x5 cards as bookmarks. Makes for less housekeeping when company comes over, hahahaha Thanks again for sharing.
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 19th of December 2010 11:27:07 AM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
.