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Well, AH went off to work respite today with a teenage boy with severe disabilities, has a breathing tube ect...
My AH knows this family very well - they are VERY good to him. Kind loving people.
Anyway, so he's been at work for 3.5 hours. He called me an hour ago to tell me the phone number to reach him at since his cell phone got turned off for lack of payment. I thought he sounded drunk.
Just now, the mom calls me. She tells me AH passed out, they just managed to wake him up and they have called the paramedics. She asked if I would know what was wrong.
I told her he was an alcoholic.
I asked if I should go over there. She said she would call me back and let me know what's going on.
I'm so scared and worried but at the same time I'm proud of myself for not making up some lame excuses as to why he may have passed out.
Passing out while on the job working with a person with a disability to relies on you to breath, to eat, to do everything. If something bad were to have happened to that child while under AH's care... oh I don't eve want to think about it.
If AH's goes to the hospital, should I just leave him there? Not visit?
I want to make sure I don't rescue him at all....and let him FEEL every bit of these consequences.
Ok, I just got off the phone with the mom of the kid AH was working with. Luckily the mom had an A mom and brother so she is very understanding. Thank God.
She told me that AH was incoherent at first, then he kept saying he was ok. The paramedics came, took his blood.
She told me that eventually AH broke down and cried and told the paramedics that he is an A and was drinking in the bathroom.
They took him in an ambulance to the hospital.
I still have to find a ride and go get our car from the house AH was working at.
Should I go see AH in the hospital? If I go see him is that rescuing him?
Should I just call emergency and ask them what is going on?
I don't know what to do.. Something like this has never happened before...
I am assuming that he is not ill, that the mom just thought he was as she didnt realise he was drinking? if that is the case, that he's in the hospital because he is drunk, according to everything we have been learning on here technically you should leave him there, and why not let him go get the car when he is discharged so that he takes full responsibility?
look after you, you have had enough of a shock, if its something serious which i doubt cos he was able to explain he was drunk, the hospital will ring you, let him see that when he acts so irresponsible you wont hook into that, drinking while looking after a kid with disabilities is not right, he should step down from respite work as he is affecting others around him and spreading his sickness into their lives now too.
my heart and thoughts are with you (((((hugs)))))))
Danielle, what would be your MOTIVE for visiting? If you are going there because you are concerned and because you happen to love an alcoholic, isn't that okay?
If you are going there to try to CHANGE HIM in some way, that would not be accepting your powerlessness.
Love and tolerance is our code of conduct. Allow him the dignity to be on whatever path he takes. Take care of yourself, whatever that looks like... Maybe that includes visiting him because you are worried and you love him.... only you can know what feels right to do. I don't see how visiting him is rescuing him. He is likely to feel the consequences of this, regardless of what you do.
Some additional food for thought: My sponsor taught me to "be" the kind of spouse I want to have... would you want him to visit you? (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 18th of December 2010 08:36:50 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
As you know, he is endangering people's lives by drinking on the job. How terrifying.
I'm concerned about the mother of the boy -- she had two alcoholic family members so she may think drunkenness is normal -- but who is protecting her son? Why should she be understanding that someone endangered her son's life?
Your A has endangered his charge's life and left you to find a way to go get your car back. He has also used the services of the hospital and the ambulance because of his choices (and I assume someone's going to have to pay for those). I guess if I were in your position I might be thinking about your motivation if you went to the hospital. To comfort him? As if he is the victim?
His behavior is insane behavior. It is so hard not to get sucked into the insanity. I know it must be hard to figure out what to do. It's hard to pretend this is the same as him having an unintentional accident at work, and hard to ignore this as if nothing important happened. But how to respond?
Do you have a sponsor? Maybe the least insane thing to do would be to go to a meeting and double your efforts on your recovery. You deserve all the support available.
I think I would pray and ask my HP that HP's will be done in the A's life - and then get out of the way so HP can work. I believe that we have to let other people experience and come to believe step 1 for themselves. To get sober, an A has to know and believe that he/she is powerless over alcohol AND THAT HIS/HER LIFE HAS BECOME UNMANAGEABLE. If someone coddles the A, plays into feeling sorry for him/her because he/she cries and acts contrite, comforts, or minimizes bad behavior, it will take longer for the A to feel that things are unmanageable and seek help.
While I don't think that, in general, visiting a sick person in the hospital is a bad thing, this is alcoholism and it's easy to get sucked in and have insane things start to seem normal. Perhaps giving the A some time to sober up in the hospital and consider the situation for himself is a good idea.
((Danielle)) I just want to hug you, and tell you how proud I am of you for feeling worried, but coming here instead of to the rescue. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you.
Thank goodness the boy and your AH are safe. I know that I would not be able to make a hospital visit without having an attitude. Sounds like your husband put himself in a very embarrassing and public situation, and you are ready to let him dig himself out. You've done a great job letting him face the situation he created thus far. I think going to some meetings is a great idea!
Thinking of you.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
You're not 'rescuing' him at all if you go to the hospital.... he is suffering the consequences of his actions, and that doesn't change by you going (or not going) to see him.... Go, be yourself, and supportive but not blind to what has just happened.... If he's like many A's, he will soon be minimizing the whole event....
Take care T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Sounds like you are truly concerned and love him. If you are not going to be angry with him, change him, control him, or punish him. Go for it! I would be there in an instant. I remember dropping my A off at the doors of the jail for his DUI. The consequences are so hard to watch. My heart just ached and I cried - I didn't love him any less, I wasn't mad at him . . . I just loved him and it hurt my heart to see him suffer.
This is a very difficult situation - my thoughts are with you. A hug and I love you sounds like the perfect answer.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
In the books Getting Them Sober, she tells us to make a decision just for right now. We can change it if we need to. Go into prayer about this one. You have been very strong and honest so far.
Actually, for me, if he had cancer, a stroke, heart attack or another life threatening disease which caused this emergency I would go to the hospital to accompany and comfort. We learn compassion and grace in recovery and we learn it to practice and use it.
He is very very ill. He suffers from a life theatening disease. He is not a a bad person; he is a sick person...very sick. If he doesn't get this disease arrested he goes insane and/or dies.
He was at work as a responsible care giver and alcoholism doesn't give a twit about that. The compulsion ruled and the allergy put him out. Pull out the prayers, go get the car, go make a visit. Its okay you're doing the next right thing.
