The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been going to Al Anon for about 3 months now, I believe. I understand the basic concepts and ideas behind it and it all makes sense to me and I can see how it can really help me deal with so much in my life, both alcohol related and not.
That being said...I can't seem to put this into place to the degree that I need to. For example:
I know my wife has a disease. Yet I feel such anger towards my wife for the drinking.
I know I need to focus on myself and not others. Yet I continue to be so judgemental, both towards my wife and everyone in my life.
I know the best thing to do is to trust my higher power. Yet I still worry, a lot. (Although not as much as I used to).
I know that projecting about what may or may not happen in the future is not the way to live. Yet I do that all of the time, which is what causes the worry.
I have made progress and I'm really happy about that. I don't make an effort to control my wife anymore. I don't tell her what she should do. I don't argue with her if she makes a decision I don't agree with. So that is good. But I feel like I'm spinning my wheels on everything else.
There is such a major wall between my wife and I right now. And I know that I am the one who is letting it stay up. My wife has been doing really well for the last month or so. I believe she's 30+ days sober now.
We are resuming couples counseling next week after having stopped 6 weeks ago or so. I'm anxious about it but trying to stay positive...
-- Edited by usedtobeanyer on Friday 17th of December 2010 02:22:41 PM
The main thing I have found that works, is I asked someone to be my sponsor, and she said yes. That has made the difference. To have a person to call/text/chat with when she can and I need to. A person with more recovery that is working their own program. If not for my sponsor, I would never have started the steps in this program. Or learned to ask my HP for help constantly. I work very hard at staying focused on me and not worrying about everyone and everything else. I am reading a great book called The new Codependency. It is helping me understand the concepts even more. As for being angry at the alcoholic, I have found from this program that I can love him and hate the disease (or be angry at it). My disease and his are the same, we have different symptoms. I use people and worrying obsessing about people and places and things and future events to hide from my own pain. He uses alcohol/drugs to do hide from his pain. You are making progress, i see it in you posts ;) Keep on working the program here, for you. It works if you work it. Remember to detach with love and let go and let your HP take control. Don't place expectations on outcomes. Don't place expectations at all, those just make you resentful and judgemental. Remember: QTIP= quit taking it personally. I work on this every single day. Also, nothing changes if nothing changes. If you are not working on you, and getting a sponsor and working the steps, then nothing can change. Take care of you! :)
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
One of the common things for us in Al-Anon, particularly early on, is to "fake it till you make it", as it sometimes takes awhile for our heads and hearts to get aligned - we tend to intuitively believe in what we are reading, but it's often hard to actually put into place...
The very fact that you have this awareness, and that you are aware of this disconnect for you, is proof positive that you ARE learning, and growing in your recovery....
I think all of us, perhaps even moreso in the male Al-Anons, have a tendency to look at our own recovery in terms of "I want it and I want it now".... Our reality is that these are complex and multi-pronged issues, so it really is:
One Day at a Time..... Easy Does It.... I Did the Best I Could With What I Knew At the Time....
Take care, Tom
p.s. One of my faves - "don't try to eat an elephant all in one bite... the proper way to eat an elephant is slowly, one bite at a time"
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I used to feel anger towards my A for the drinking and the results of that drinking. There are still times when I do for a few minutes and then I remind myself that he did the best he could with the knowledge he had just as I did and still do now. I am confident that as I progress in my program I will look back at my skills today and be thankful for the skills I will have then.
When I am judgmental I remind myself that I am full of pride which kills me and keeps me sick. I am no better than the A in my life or anyone else. If I am truly honest I have done some despicable things in my life, and drinking can't be used as an understanding for me. I need to be as gentle with the people I come in contact with as I want them to be with me.
I do still worry about thing as well. This reminds me that I think for some reason that I can do better than my hp can. Where that sick thinking comes into play I don't know, as I haven't done such a good job myself.
The projection is my greatest flaw and the hardest thing for me to overcome. I have perceived that projection has allowed me to protect myself from very poor positions. When my A would lie to me and mentally prepare himself to leave the family with no notice, and leave me holding the bag with our clients for our business I was prepared with someone else to step in. Being able to see what what was going to happen allowed me to prepare for it.
When I look at it clearer I can see that I could have set things up so that projection isn't required. I can not have him as a part of the business which is what I have now. I can be fully self sufficient and set things up so that no action he takes can cause me grief. Our bank accounts are separate, he doesn't have a key to my vehicle, none of the utilities are in his name, etc.
For me projection let's me know I am fearful of something. It may be that our son will lose his dad again, that I will lose him, that chaos will strike. I can concentrate on myself and our child to aid in our emotional state should something like that happen. I can care for myself and strengthen our bond should dad choose to leave.
All of these things I need to be doing anyways so I am not doing anything that really puts me out, but builds me up.
I am gentle with myself, now more than ever. It isn't always easy for me to do that, or do that with others. For now, I will take it one day at a time and at times, fake it till I make it.
-- Edited by clep on Friday 17th of December 2010 02:55:44 PM
Brian, I think you have made great progress! Think of everything we are coping with a daily basis, from within ourselves and from external forces. Take a step back, and give yourself the credit you deserve.
I also just want to say that I don't think you should beat yourself up for the wall that continues to exist between you and your wife. There is a lot of water under the bridge, and a lot of past hurt muddying up the water right now. The wall is there as a way for your to protect yourself. Maybe the wall is boundaries run wild, but it's serving a purpose, especially while you work on yourself. I don't think it will all come down at once...little by little it will chip away (or maybe it won't)...but you are looking out for yourself now, and working your program. And I think you're doing very well.
Just my 2 cents here You are head and shoulder above where i was 3 months into my program. It took me 10 months to get passed step 1 as i refused to believe I could not fix my son. Much less let go of the anger, resentment or fear But the good people of alanon were so very pateint with me they let me rant and rave and challege this program without judgement or condemnation....why? because they already knew what I didn't, that if I stuck with the program eventually it would stick with me. They never gave up on me even when i was ready to give up on me. But I couldnt give up because i couldnt go back to the complete misery I was in. They were so much smarter than I Once i finally gave in and surrendered to step 1 my true journey began, and I to this day have to surrender myself to step 1 because it is the absolute hardest ( at least for me) So 3 months in, give yourself a pat on the back and keep moving forward, things will fall into place with you in HP's time not yours...another hard lesson I had to learn. I am proud of the program you are working......maybe you need to go back and read your first posts here up until this point and I think you will see what tremendous progress you are making Blessings Always
Thanks all, I needed that boost and all of your replies were very helpful...One thing I do know...my wife and I both owe so much to Al Anon & AA already...I honestly don't have any idea where we would be without it, but I do know it would be a bad, bad place...
I experienced that, too - where my head and my heart just didn't match up. Intellectually I knew what the answers were supposd to be ... detach, let go and let God, alcoholism is a disease, etc. My heart wasn't in the same place, though. It took quite a while to catch up.
I like the saying "you can't think your way into acting, you have to act your way into thinking." (I stole that from Jerry F. - I didn't make it up myself). Meaning, basically - just like canadianguy said, fake it till you make it. If you wait until your heart catches up to start acting like you believe the principles of recovery, you will keep feeding the cycle of sickness. The cycle of sickness doesn't just go away by itself, there has to be an action. If you change your actions so that you're no longer ACTING sick, eventually your heart will follow. (I think this can be analogized to stopping drinking. The alcoholic may intellectually know that not drinking is good. However, right at first, the craving for a drink makes it hard for the intellectual knowledge to be squared with the real feelings. Eventually, by avoiding alcohol and stopping the cycle of sickness, both the intellectual knowledge and the real feelings become the same. But if the alcoholic waited until he/she didn't experience the craving anymore to stop drinking, he/she would simply not be able to stop. Having the action come first is the only way it will work.)
The first step is getting off the ride. You're doing just fine - and not to worry, your heart and head will be in the same place soon enough.
:)
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Friday 17th of December 2010 05:03:13 PM
Sunflowers ESH, for me was right on...walking the walk...Admitting I was powerless and walking that truth got me to a sponsor one form of power greater than myself. Working the steps with a sponsor is also a confirmation that I am powerless it is the practice of humility (being teachable) for me. I become the student willingly with the awareness that there is no way and I don't have the tools to save my own butt..."I NEED OTHERS!!" and my Higher Power who works thru others. Admitting I am powerless and getting a sponsor and working the steps with that person and attending face to face meetings validates my commitment to my own recovery and awareness that I need that recovery or else everything around me and me goes away tragically. Stopping trying to work it by myself with myself validates that I truely believe that the consequences of my personal management of my life doesn't and hasn't and will never work. Having you return often to MIP is proof of that and now you're looking at "walking the walk." Do the suggestions; follow thru with them support yourself as you are being supported by others. Sunflower's ESH is the same early ESH that saved my life. In support. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 17th of December 2010 08:50:53 PM
Great thread - really helpful. Voices concerns I've been feeling ashamed, confused and frustrated about (head and heart not matching, not being able to apply the program as I would like, etc. etc.). These ESH and responses are a gift. I'll add them to my gratitude list - which I recently started, grudgingly ;o) Thanks!
An interesting development last night...my wife drank. And for the first time since this all began, I felt sympathy for her for having this disease. I won't lie, my first reaction was anger, and I confronted her and she lied, which made me more angry. But I kept it together and didn't push it and just said "ok, I'm going to bed". While up in bed I thought about it and I thought about how hard this must have been for her, and how awful it must have felt to sit in the car in the dark and cold, alone in a parking lot somewhere, pouring the vodka into the water bottle...and how upsetting it must have felt to know that she isn't going to make it to 90 days now, and how she has to start all over with that and how it must feel like for her that she just lost all that she has accomplished for the last month. And I felt really bad for her.
And I really thought about what all of you wrote, and I can't tell you how helpful it was...I just kept saying the serenity prayer over and over, and I felt a real genuine connection with my HP and it was overwhelming and really powerful...I fell asleep, and then my wife came up shortly after that and tried to convince me that she didn't actually drink...she almost did, she said, but she stopped herself. And I knew it was a lie and I just told her "it's ok, just go to your meeting in the morning and be honest with yourself and your sponsor". She kept trying to convince me and I just said "it's ok, let's go to bed...it's ok". I didn't care that she was lying to me, it just made me feel worse for her...
She's at her meeting now...I'm sure today will be a difficult day...but I'm excited to feel the progress I am making...and I am so so so thankful for having posted yesterday and for everyone who replied...it really helped me deal with what happened last night in a healthier way. Thank you all...
You have learned the voice of compassion and understanding and are practicing the behaviors. In time that will do more good for yourself than your alcoholic...that is how recovery works that is what Al-Anon is about. I am grateful that you brought this here because It had lessons and awarenesses from several prospectives which were helpful for me as a "double"; a member of both Al-Anon and AA. I have worn your shoes and came to understand and practice what you are learning and practicing now. How very miraculous the outcome to my spirit as I listened, learned and practiced continuously. My peace of mind was restored and I stopped doing things that interfered with her sobriety. I learned to give her slack, mercy, grace and my soul relaxed. Miracle.
I am emotional after reading your post also because I am a recovering Alcoholic who also works with alcoholics. Alcoholism is cunning, powerful and baffling and I need a power greater than it and both programs to keep me still and keep me sober. Those who are not alcoholic hardly understand how constantly, consistently and powerfully it works of the alcoholic. I have not had a drink for 32+ years yet the night after last while alone in a home I manage for an investor one of the items I needed to dispose of in the clean up was a half pint of Jack Daniels Whiskey. Just touching that bottle brought back all of the old reality. It bridged all of the recovery I have had in both program psycologically and the compulsion still has its very own voice and then along with my subconscious, my emotions, and then my spirit started to become confused. I poured it out and when I did the odor and vapors from the sink caused my head to think again, after 32 years of not drinking for cause, "you can handle this. It's never beaten you." I am angry that the disease has no respect for those who want to escape its hold forever. I am angry that it will work inspite of my "No" and inspite of my efforts to stay sober. I am angry at it and because of that I will pray for your wife...that she also get angry and redouble her efforts to fight for her life.
How blessed she is for a husband that is learning to be supportive of her fight. In support with love and service. (((((hugs)))))
