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Welp Like Every other person in the World that is Currently Possesing a Heart, I am Completely Depleated...
I wish I could blame my stress on the Holidays, and Maybe some of it is, but for me it seems just "Life" has me heading back into the way of Insanity... I am still Only Making But ONE of my Three Meetings a Week, so I feel that is at least Progress, but still not enough...
Seems I have some how just been hanging on for dear life here lately, Trying to balance Year end at our business, Cable Issues for the Last week, (I know dumb but still stressful) , Our Closing date for our property has been postponed 4 times, today was going to be IT... Now it is Next Tues!, I feel for Christmas I am All Caught up on Gifts, but still no were near ready, I haven't made One Cookie, Decorated One Thing in my Home, But I Got All Gifts Wrapped & Ready to Go :0) That is my PLUS...lol...
I have been trying REALLY Hard To work on my "Attitude" and Not be that RUDE Person in the store trying to run ya down with the buggy.. I have been trying to Accept that Traffic is ALWAYS crazy so just Go Slow & Pace Myself, I have been trying to accept that I am NOT the only one Effected by the things that are going on around myself & My family, and I have been doing my Best to say, Yes Its Winter, and I Will Be OK!!! (Can't honestly Say I'm Winning that Thought Yet!!!)
How is it, that our Attitude can just Change all things, even with NO Action being taken... Instead of Jumping in to CURE my Husbands "Fits of Anger" I have been just "Not Reacting" to them, or Ignoring them" and then they don't seem to last as long.. :) I have been trying to "Talk" myself Sane...lol... Not Sure its working but I haven't given up...
So many things are currently happening in my life & my Family right now, Some of Course being "Famliy Secrets" and others being the Normal Every day Insanity that they continue to pertake in... I have slowly leaned back and let the cards fall as they may, and the secrets, well... I am trying to remind myself "None Of My Business"... So My Thoughts on the Matter Are Really of NO Importantance to Me or anyone else...
I do feel like I am WORKING my Program, but at times, i get a Feeling from some that I'm not Doing ALL I can... My Sponser Even Sent me a Note in the Mail, because I haven't spoken to her in a while, and well I sent her One Back, I'm not really sure what her thoughts on the matter are, and I thought by now she would have called to discess, but No Word! So We Shall see were that goes! If it goes at all! And I know that this Program is a place for me to reach out, Share, and that will help me MOVE Forward, but again, there are somethings that are tabu... Sometimes in this Small town, that just can't be said out loud to anyone of Contact!
I feel at times I am Reliving My Childhood, I am Reliving the Lies that I had to keep, and tho these are not NEAR as Tragic, they are still dirty little secrets... Do ya ever just get Tired of Playing the Game? Just Tired of Pertaking in such Nill Beings... I know I do, I love my Family Dearly, Mine & My Husbands, but there are times I wish I "JUST DIDN"T KNOW!" then I wouldn't have to cover or hide Crap... I wouldn't have to Pertake at ALL! and that would be OK! I Would be OK NOT KNOWING.,.,,,
I have tried stopping the conversations, and leaving the room, and sometimes that works, but sometimes, it don't!
I am truly trying to keep a 100 balls in the air at one time, and I have to admit, I feel that I have let a Few Drop, and maybe ever some of the more important ones like my Program! I mean I read My Lit everyday, and have been making One Meeting a Week, but other then trying Desperately to Hold on to ME! I feel I'm Running out of options!!! I answer my Phone ALL Day and when i am done with work for the day, (After being told off Many times because we can't get there Fast Enough) I do not have the energy or the will power to "Make that Call" , or Call my Sponser, or Reach out to someone ... I Know that Sounds Terribly Selfish and I guess it is, I am just DONE!
I do see the change in me from were I started here 2 years ago and were I am now, but at times, even my Program becomes Overwhelming... And I Don't mean that to sound like I'm not Grateful for My Program because Truly I am, But There is times that I don't feel I am Getting what I should from what I do show up for ... I have some of the best in the business of al-anon at my Fingertips, and yet I'm so Depleated I just can't breathe out what is in my head!
So Yes, Im still Kicking, I'm Still Holding on By that Small Thread of Hope that "This too Shall Pass", and I Know I have to Let Go & Let HP Take the Reins and I have been Trying, Just Currently Feeling Like a Failure at Best....
Thanks for Listening, Any & All ESH Welcome Most Grateful Love, Hugs & Prayers
I really related to your post because in some ways that is how i have been feeling lately, and I often reach that place on my journey, now when I do, everything is prioritised, I have to accept to let go, pace myself, forget everyone, everything, become ruthless in my decisions and attitudes, and just accept its time to rest and ignore the world, to step back for a while,
I can now tell those around me "I am at an all time low so dont expect too much of me cos I am looking after myself for now, and have cut back on all activities, appointments, outings"
Dont worry too much about your meetings, I dont go to any, for the reasons you have listed, I dont have the mental energy, so I draw my comfort, strenght from on here and seeing my therapist once a week, sometimes support and help can come in many forms, sometimes we are able for lots of support going on around us, other times we are not, and just have to pick up bits and pieces of it as we go through our pain,
be gentle on yourself, give yourself a break, sometimes we have to just BE, just give in to it and allow it to be and then wait for it to pass, in the past I would become frustrated, angry, impatient, and try to rush it, then in time I learnt I cant rush this, and I have to accept it and let it be, god bless you.
failte
-- Edited by failte on Friday 17th of December 2010 12:24:20 PM
As far as the property, I relate. The banks and mortgage co. are under so much stress now from their own fraud and mistakes they are not doing anything. Mine got put off now to march! It is NOT you.
Ok what are you doing for you as far as anti stressors? Are you taking a day to go somewhere and do nothing? Mine is training up to see my daughter and grandson for a day. Just eat, and play, nothing planned.
Even a half day taking the dogs to the park or visiting somene in comfy cloths sitting and yakking about nothing helps.
Myself I need to get out of Eden. I love it here, but i also love watermelon if I eat too much I get sick!
The thing I learned in my old age is, what we do thru is life. Life is hard, very hard. We can get to where it controls us instead of the other way around.
If we don't ever fill back up, everything becomes too big. Looks like your world is too big girl!
Where are you in all this? Your avatar, does it fit right now?
Sometimes we get so cluttered with stuff we forget about the warm, happy stuff.
Holidays are normally a tough time for me. I can get bogged down in people pleasing very very quickly.
I've always tried to be the fixer in the mix. I want to fix everyone and only I know what they need and only I can walk them through it. I live and work around people who live eat and sleep lies. I'm no longer as affected by it. At the same time this is years and years of therapy and coming to terms with my childhood. When times are stressful I give myself lots of breaks.
I was reading a blog from a woman who had breast cancer recently. She gave herself lots of treats, movies, listening to certain music, letting her feelings out some place and developing a sense of humor. None of that comes easily to us if we are ACA. We don't know what breaks are, we don't know where the line is between chaos and good enough order.
I lived my life as a child barely hanging onto survival. As an adult I went out of my way to please other people in order to try to survive in the only way I knew. Now I'm not exactly going out of my way to alienate people but I no longer eat, sleep breathe people pleasing. I also have had to let go of the idea that any of my biological family will go into recovery. That was a huge one for me.
I'm so glad you came and posted. I was wondering how you were. Give yourself lots of time and space in stressful times and remember we all care about you a great deal unconditionally and without judgment.
I am so glad to see you back and posting and just connecting with your MIP friends. The Holiday season is difficult and family issues seem to come out of the woodwork. I understand that even program can become difficult and hard to work, Just remember that you have worked very hard for a few years and this effort was not wasted. You instinctively know how to take care of you, calling your sponsor and making meetings is another issue. Maybe it is time to change sponsor.
If your community is so small that you do not feel safe to reveal certain issues with a sponsor than ,I have known members who have used the clergy for just such a share or chosen a different sponsor for the 5 th step.
Do not be a stranger here Take care of you you are worth it.
Hi Jozie...I hear you. I can only add this to everyone else's comments: There are times that I feel buried, and suddenly the feeling disappears one day. Not sure why but it happens. I guess "this too shall pass".
Most Grateful 
