The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Every year around the holidays I start having anxiety issues. I have little children and it is almost impossible for me to get to al-anon meetings. most of the year i can cope ok but as we get closer to christmas and new years I get panicky. Probably the sight of many bottles of wine and cases of beer entering the house causes it. I waste the days by worrying over ah getting smashed every night.
I want everything to be special for the kids. but usually at least one of ah's relatives will stay over at the holidays. I can't have a plan b if ah and his relatives start getting into it. i can't go for a walk, go to the movies or whatever if they start ranting and raving, i just pretend to go to bed but hide out in my room. and worry the children will wake up and hear yelling or music blaring etc. Ugh. Stress.
i get what you are saying, this is how i felt in my home when my husband and son were drinking, me hiding away in the bedroom just panicing and worrying, waiting for something to happen, it was also worse around Christmas time, I now hate christmas and to me only represents bad memories, I am afraid I have no words of wisdom or advice about this one, as I didnt manage myself very well around this issue, thats what led me to just walk out on both of them, I couldnt take another day/night of it,
suppose I just wanted to let you know that someone else knows and cares.
Hi Tweety. Sorry you are feeling this way, I myself have started dreading the holidays so I know how you feel... It's also especially hardest for me to 'tune AH out' and focus on me when he's being loud and causing a drunken rucus while my daughter is home or sleeping.
What I found works for me in similar situations is first taking deep breaths so I calm myself down. Then, when I've summoned the strength, I go over to AH, make eye contact and say calmly: "Please keep it down, *insert kids names* are sleeping".
Of course he might follow that up with an eye roll, or "this is my normal voice', or "I'm not loud" ect.... I would then just walk away.
Last time I did that, AH went downstairs (eventually, he of course had to pester me for a while first...).
It also helps me to put on a movie or do something else that asks of my attention and focus.
When I had trouble getting to meetings I brought a girl into my home and gave her free rent in exchange for childcare for my meetings and to get out on the weekends. I gave her my spare room.
Before that I started a coop babysitting service so I always had free childcare. I cared for other children during the day.
If my live in is gone for some reason I still have backup for my meetings or for some time alone.
I did not allow my home to be a flop house for drinking and partying with the people that would cosign the behaviors of my A. I set that boundary and if it was crossed I would have had my A leave. I didn't have to though as he left on his own.
It is very hard for me to see my child go through any pain that is inflicted by others. I was an abused child in many ways and the limited knowledge of my mother allowed that to continue and affect me in so many ways into adulthood. I do not want that for my son.
I work with children for a living. I would not allow alcohol abuse around them, screaming or to have their area a flop house. My own child deserves the same consideration that I provide to other people's children.
We all have our own boundaries and those are the ones that are working for me.
