The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time on, and my husband is the alcoholic, I have come to realize i can never change him, but how do i start to change me?/ I have 3 sons and am so worried they will grow up to be like dad. i am tired of the resentment, anger, guilt, lies , lies and more lies, the lack of money for family stuff because it is used for alcohol, i am tired of the excuses, of being told by his friends and family that i should be so lucky that he is with me, being told that i am a goody two shoes because i dont think drinking and driving your kids around is acceptable in any manner and getting drunk every day of your life is ok. life is becoming miserable, there is no affection, no respect,I have no friends because he doesnt want any around unless they are his friends and family but i am afraid how i feel and respond is worse for the kids than his drinking, where do I start and what on earth do you do to change you???
Hello and welcome ,well the good news is you have already started by reaching out on this board the next thing is to find some Al-Anon meetings for yourself and get your life back on track ,it is possible to be happy living in an alcoholic marriage our program will show you how to do that .. you need people you can trust with your feelings and usually its not family they just dont understand . You will make new friends in this program . til you find a meeting we have 2 meetings aday here 9am and pm that will give you some idea of what to expect at real meetings . hope to see you there . Louise to find meetings in your area call 1-888-4alanon its toll free and international they will give you the location of the nearest meeting in your area and often have a contact number to call .
As Abbyal has pointed out, you've made a great start by coming here - you will find tons of people here who WILL understand what you are going through, and help support you with your own chosen recovery.... Al-Anon meetings are a tremendous support as well, and I would encourage you to find one that works for you....
You making this effort to 'break the cycle' will help give those three kids of yours a fighting chance to not repeat the same behaviors they have become accustomed to witnessing....
Glad you found us, and please keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I can so relate to what you state. It is me to a "T". I only found this group of encouraging warm people yesterday. And I like you want to try to figure out how to fix me.
My children are 17 and 18, so they are beyond the worrisome stages, I just want them to mature without the effects of this, as it is now much worse than ever.
I don't have any good words of advice, but I feel confident that this group of people here will guide us and help us to figure out who we are.
I'm not sure about you, but I know that I have lost me somewhere over the years; and I don't like the person I have become. Not at all.
Thank you Dawn, yes i have lost me, and I do not like the person I have become, it is just so nice to realize there are other people like me, because after 17 yrs you feel so alone, and there is no one to talk to, so its a huge relief to see that people do understand and care, so that is pretty hopeful!
Hi beentherdonethat. I, too am living in an alcoholic marriage. Plenty of people have said "leave him". If only it were that easy. I have been married for nearly 39 years and my AH has been alcohol dependant for the last 6 or so years. I have a learning-disabled son who is 30 - going on 12. He keeps me going as he needs me and I have to stay sane for him. I won't bore you with all the details - you are living it - you know. All I can recount is how I have coped.
The single most important thing in changing and looking after me was moving into my own bedroom (we don't have a large house but my daughter moved into her own flat and I moved into her room). This is MY space -he is not allowed in, at least not without knocking. It is a space to which I can retreat when things are bad or even just when I need to wind down after a busy day at work.
The second most important thing was taking control of the finances. AH had, without my knowledge run up £28,000 ($75,451.20) in loans. I was naive, I signed documents without scrutinising them too closely because I trusted him. Anyway, I have been to the bank, explained the situation and now my salary is paid into my own, rather than the joint account and I have embraced on-line banking so I can see at a glance what is going on with the joint account (I did destroy his debit and credit cards and so far he hasn't tried to order replacements)
My AH is remarkably resistant to all help so there is only going to be one eventual outcome but I remain totally in awe at what the human body can endure. It is stressful for those of us looking on but I found that coming in here and in the chat room has been a huge source of support. It is no exaggeration to say it has been a life-saver. I have no Alanon groups near me so coming in here and "talking" to people who understand exactly where I am coming from helps me more than anyone can imagine.
So - welcome - keep coming back - you are among frineds.
I know how you feel when others around you make you feel as though you're 'complaining' about your situation and you should just 'be happy'
Not fun, they have no idea.
I personally find that it helps me to read books, I have a few good books about co-dependency ( I'm not sure if I'm allowed to list them here or not). but there are alot of good ones, I find that reading those daily & doing daily affirmations really kinda calms my mind and lets me refocus.
I really feel like you've started the process, just by being here. its a good first step.
You have a great start already just by coming here!
How do you start to change yourself ... have you sought out any Alanon meetings for yourself? These have been the key to changing my behavior. In the meetings, I have learned to place my problems in their proper perspective, and to hand control over other people's problems back to those people.
In Alanon, I have leaned to just live one day at a time. I just focus on today. Worrying about what may happen in the future is projection ... the worry steals the joy from today, and makes me unable to be emotionally present in the moment. When I find myself worrying about something in the future (such as, worrying that my 2 sons will be alcoholics, as they both have alcoholic fathers), I remind myself that I am not powerful enough to change the outcome of that in any event, but that worrying about it today will not stop whatever is inevitable. All I can do is give it over to my HP, and know and believe that HP has my sons' backs.
Keep coming back, read whatever you can get your hands on, talk to others here, and find Alanon meetings for yourself if at all possible. These things can help you turn the focus back on yourself, and you will find the courage to change the things you can.
just by coming on here, and having such great people to listen, I feel as though a heavy burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I guess I felt like a bad wife to say anything to people around me, who dont really want to know anyway, but i do realize the only way to be a good mom is to be good to me, which has been lacking for so many years, I have been told his drinking and behavior is my fault for so long, I guess i believed it, and for what wasnt said, i just started to assume everything that went wrong was something i did or didnt do, which is a bad example to my kids. I want to be the best person I can be, and enjoy my kids and let them be able to enjoy life, despite his behavior. Thank you all :)
There is so much I learned when I first came and am now practicing. Alanon has taught me that I do not have to live my life the way I was. I am codependent and grew up in dysfunction. I have had a life of denial, lies, and shame. Abuse was something I learned to participate in to keep myself alive. However, I have learned I don't have to live like that anymore. I can live for me and live for today. I am powerless over everyone but me. I can't change anyone else. I am free to ask my HP for help. I can't force my abf to stop drinking or using drugs, I can't yell at him, coerce him, give him the silent treatment or force a solution. I can keep to my side of the street, work the steps of this program and reach out to my sponsor daily for help and guidance. I am no longer alone. I remember that at first I struggled with what it meant to detach with love. I still do. I work on having boundaries too. Detachment for me means that I allow other people to be themselves without me trying to question, manipulate, change, rearrange, guilt trip or lie my way into getting what I want. My sickness is obsessing with other people, and not looking at me. My pain has caused me to do this. I obsess with others/things instead of using drugs or drinking. That covers up what I really need to do which is feel my feelings, deal with them and heal from the past. You can find this and more with alanon and this board. Face to face meetings are great too. There is help! Keep coming back! Welcome here!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
so how exactly do you go about, changing your life, and hand back peoples problems to them ??? how do you stop worrying when he doesnt come home and you dont know if its going to be the day he has an accident and gets killed?? how do you stop being mad, and resentful, for all the time you have waited and wasted, how do you stay in a marriage and make it work, when it seems you are the only one who cares? how do you detach from it, and try to be at peace in life and be a happy peaceful person, because bottom line at the end of the day he is the one with friends and supporters and I am the one alone.... how do you have a life when the past 17 years have been taking care of other people... so many questions,,,,,,,how do you tell your self it doesnt matter that the bar comes first, his friends come first, his relatives come first, his drinking comes first, how do i live it and believe it, with out just hating and shutting down or falling apart????
the next thing is to find some Al-Anon meetings for yourself and get your life back on track ,it is possible to be happy living in an alcoholic marriage our program will show you how to do that .. you need people you can trust with your feelings and usually its not family they just dont understand . You will make new friends in this program . til you find a meeting we have 2 meetings aday here 9am and pm that will give you some idea of what to expect at real meetings . hope to see you there . Louise