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Hi everyone! Nice to see ya all asI have been away awhile. Life is good. I did want to get some feed back from you all though. I was abused by my a mom, when she was drunk and now understand also high on valium. This is an issue I thought I had dealt with, but a week ago I went to a party at my sisters house and during the course of the afternoon 2 of my sisters stated my mom was not an alcoholic but she was on pills. the remarks were out of the blue, we weren't even talking about her. The first time I was shocked but did not say anything. The second time I responded, "When I was in high school and she was beating me and hitting on my boyfriends she was drunk." End of conversation. but it is bothering me.
I am if honest I am pissed off they deny the drinking. I just don't understand why. What difference should it make to any of us? Drugs or alcohol? Any ideas?
I guess the question I would have to ask myself is what part of me will truly get better by someone else seeing things the way I see them?
I can put a lot of stock in other people's opinions... and at times I wonder why I allow those opinions to mean so much to me.
I think sometimes it's because I feel I have this huge load of emotions on my shoulders and I just want to offload it all and have someone share the burden.
I've learned that there's healthy ways to unload and there are unhealthy ways to unload. A healthy way for me is to discuss these things with my Al-Anon friends, and specifically my Al-Anon sponsor. These are people who truly understand. Other friends, acquaintances and family members don't always understand... they're just not there in their current position in life. They may never get "there."
Al-Anon teaches me that I can't wait around for others to change so I can start feeling better. I need to work on myself for that to happen.
Denial is a very powerful tool used by families of alcoholics. My sisters and brothers are masters at it and refuse to admit that alcoholism exists in the family even though they all use alcohol to excess and my son died from the disease. Any time they take their trips down memory lane it is amazing how differently we remember the past and how differently we responded.
I can understand your being upset about the situation. I too wanted them to validate my observations and pain. They could not!! Thanks to HP I was able to find alanon meetings and sponsors for that validation and compassion.
Just recently, my sister was doing her usual recreation of the past. I have learned not to expect her to confirm my views but I do feel I have a right to express it. I then I spoke my truth and she very gently said, " I never wanted to acknowledge that stuff I thought it was betraying them" . Maybe because I have learned to "Say what I mean and mean what I say without saying it MEAN". we had a very wonderful conversation that touched us both.
Keep using your alanon tools, talk to your sponser and know that you are very fortunate to have found al anon and the tools that can change your life.
Thanks for sharing the journey
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 10th of December 2010 04:01:07 PM
"What difference should it make to any of us? Drugs or alcohol? Any ideas?"
As it often does with those working for sanity...the answer comes up at the end of our thinking. I believe that is your solution Fishin, It doesn't matter. To your own self be true. (((((hugs)))))
My brother and sister are much older than me. They were gone from our house by the time my mom left my dad who was the A. Funny thing is my mother was a ragaolic didn't need drink or drugs for me to get a beating. Most times I was whipped with a belt on my back so no one would ever seen the marks left but they were clear if I went swimming or something and no one ever asked me "gee how did you get those welts on your back" Both my brother and sister could see them Today when we talk about it they still say they can't believe my mother was abusive. She never laid a hand on them....well she sure did on me and they choose not to acknowldge it. So I just speak my truth, if they choose to stay in denial and believe my mother is some sort of saint so be it. I can't change thier minds, now I don't even try. They are in denial..I can't help them see what they don't want to believe Blessings
I believe there is more of a stigma on addicts who use alcohol to excess. It is a drug too.
So much in the past on tv, jokes, media, drunks were in the gutters, used for laughs. It used to be looked at totally different than it is now.
I took my kids to this police circus, they had this clown pretending to be drunk, like it was funny!He even had a bottle! Can ya believe it? I wrote a letter to the police dept. about how my kids dad was an A and died drunk on a hiway. That alcoholism is NOT funny!
Pills are more acceptable, not really but you hear more about doctors etc who get hooked on them. It used to be that alcoholics were just useless drunks period.
Might be easier for some to accept their loved one uses pills than alcohol.
Most addicts are polyaddicts. I think that is it. Poly meaning using more than one drug to excess.
It would hurt a lot to have a mom who is an addict, plus hurt you. Denial is a huge thing. I sure was in it. A person does not even realise they are in it! I was so shocked how my head protected my heart.
Glad to see ya here. You don't give up on us! (c: huggen ya, debilyn
That's the great thing about al-anon -- we don't need to slap the official "alcoholic" label on anyone, we just need to have been "affected by someone else's drinking". No diagnosis required!
I'm an only child, so it was all on me. No validation from anyone else.
My parents were so firmly in denial, I never heard the word "alchoholic" ever. And I kind of think that in the back of my mind was a kernel of doubt, that maybe I was wrong and they weren't alcoholics. Maybe I was exaggerating.
It didn't completely disappear until my mother died of cirrhosis. It took that much to finally confirm my long-held suspicions. Crazy, huh?
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I once read that no matter how many members of a family there are, that when they grow up each member will have a completely different view of their parents/siblings/upbringing
in alcoholic families its a very warped view, i am always wary of a person who says they had a perfect childhood, immediately I know by experience they are in denial, all my siblings deny the abuse that my mother inflicted on me, she was very mentally ill and while she did neglect all of us we were filthy, starving, not attending school, she abused me both physically and mentally
AND YET.................... my older sisters describe her as a loving mother! and call me an attention seeker, and a liar!
I could write a book about the strenght of the denial in my family, especially towards my mother, and the alcohol, and how my siblings saw her, you can and wont change their minds, they have their way of coping/seeing things, you have yours, just know that you are choosing the healthy option, with your eyes wide open.
This is a disease of perception , what you experienced your sisters saw differently and your right what diff does it really make ? I had the good fortune to hear DR Paul speak years ago , he is the man who wrote the chapter on acceptance in the AA big book . he said he ended up in the phyc ward of his own hospital and was furious when someone suggested he was alcoholic . he said he would rather be seen as insane than a alcoholic !!! go figure Delusion is the normal response to this kind of insanity .
I have two sisters who live, eat, sleep denial. My parents are both dead. I know many many people who came out of denial when their parents died. If anything, my two sisters became even more sentimental and deeper in denial.
Some of us do come out of denial but we don't get to bring our entire family with us. I had to grieve my two sisters were not joining me. I had a lot of anger, frustration and sadness. Not everyone can go on the journey to reality. In al anon we live by the three c's, I can't force anyone to see their family history more than I can stop an alcoholic drinking.
fishinmama wrote:What difference should it make to any of us? Drugs or alcohol? Any ideas?
I think you have answered your own question by simply asking it - what difference should it make?
Could be denial, could be difference of perception - the point is, regardless of what anyone else believes or perceives, you know that her alcoholism has affected you. That qualifies you to be here, and through your recovery you can provide the validation to yourself of the things you know to be true.
I grew up believing that if anyone else disagreed with me, I must be wrong. I have learned along the way in recovery that when someone else disagrees with me, it just means that they disagree ... not that I am wrong or that they are.
I have learned not to expect her to confirm my views but I do feel I have a right to express it. I then I spoke my truth and she very gently said, " I never wanted to acknowledge that stuff I thought it was betraying them" . Maybe because I have learned to "Say what I mean and mean what I say without saying it MEAN". we had a very wonderful conversation that touched us both. 