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Warning... this might not make sense. Got into some crazy behavior last night. I am writing to release it from me. It 3 in the morning, and I feel overwhlemed with anxiety, frustration and anger.
Amazing how easy it is to lose my program. And I was doing pretty good too... I will not be getting divorced tomorrow after all. My ex did not complete the financial disclosure paperwork. So frustrating to me in that he has blamed me for holding up the divorce and he scheduled the meeting. I worked hard to prepare, haven't slept, and was so ready. I even planned a "party" with friends for Friday night. Now it rescheduled for the 21st. Right before Christmas. Thanks.
It wasn't an intentional act on his part, just flaky, but it still got me. I was mad and in the mood for a fight. In my defense, I did try and call my sponsor and she wasn't available, thus I was left to my own devices. Uh oh.... I started communication with the ex by trying to locate my son's clothing. Perhaps you know the drill? Buy new clothes, go to ex's, they not only don't come back,but there is denial they went there. I can't stand it! Makes me nuts! So, this was an issue of sweatshirts. Three gone in the course of five days. Anyway, I started a texting tirade trying to locate them. Ex was responsive but not giving me the answers I wanted. Admttedly, I got a bit obsessive. He responded some, but then resorted to saying "Gotcha" and that just fueled me more. So then I admit to him I was using the sweatshirts as a cover for my anger about the cancelled meeting. Ex gives a very peaceful therapy-coated response by apologizing, taking some responsibility, and something about it all being okay in the end. So, I get to my finale (the very root of my anger) which is telling him he may be right, but can he PLEASE pay me something. He only paid me half of what he owed me in Oct., 0 in Nov., and 0 in Dec. so far. I'd already asked him a couple of times and he said he would do what he could but did not follow up, so I was planning on it getting settled at our meeting. I finally blew...
The final outcome? A knock on the door about 5 minutes later with 2 sweatshirts, a sweater and a check for $1000. Really. My sponsor, my sister, my friend, all said "WooHoo!" when I told them this. And me? It made me feel guilty and unsettled. I wasn't ready to end the fight. Now, I know him and he would not have given me the money if he didn't have it or didn't think he owed it, but it made me feel bad nonetheless. I won, but then discovered that the "winnings" weren't really what I wanted. Brought me back to those feelings of hating his disapproval. Obviously it is all about much more than sweatshirts and money. Its about my heart and my hurt.
To top it all off, my son is just not nice right now and I struggle with communication with him. Last night he was in a funk. Broke up with his girlfriend. Went to a basketball game and then wanted to spend the night with a friend. I folded. Never do I allow sleepovers on a school night, let alone right before finals week. But, I broke. I don't feel like I can do it anymore. I love him and want to hang on, but really I need to let go and let him reap his consequences, and that is sooo hard. Lots of pride for me involved in his school performance. I need to let that go! He is a bright kid. He will figure it out on his time. In the meantime, the more I push the more he tells me he will resist me. I bite every time.
I am stuck in my head, and I know I will pull myself out. I'm just feeling sorry for me right now.
Thanks for being here.
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Dear Lou, you are okay, my dear. Your behavior is understandable and normal. During my divorce, I was told it was a time in my program where the rubber meets the road. True, yet I just couldn't do it perfectly, I was still human.
I'm sorry to hear about the delay, who knows why it is... maybe the reason will become clear eventually. Maybe you could tell yourself, it's just another day. My divorce date was originally scheduled the day bf my birthday, which felt like a cruel twist of fate. I tried to look at it as my new birth.... a new life beginning
Keep posting.... keep talking to your HP.... (((((big hugs)))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I am so sorry about the date being changed. We get content in a way that things will finally be over. I know how hard it is to stay out of a fight. I always felt that I HAD to get my point across even though it fell over and over on deaf ears. It's hard to give up.
Winning doesn't mean much when you are hurting. You have had time now to sort of analyze what happened and know that you need to get back to your program. You will. We all feel sorry for ourselves at some point. Then we move on.
It's ironic that you couldn't wait to be divorced and be rid of him, but you pulled him closer by engaging about the sweatshirts/money/anger.
Alcoholism causes insanity, and then the insanity infects everyone around.
But you're seeing clearly -- that's half the battle right there. Hang on! It's tough to stay steady through everything. But if we keep moving in the right direction, we can be confident that we're taking care of ourselves. It sounds as if you are, despite this hiccup.
Hi, Lou - it's all good. You can let go of it now.
I understand about the clothes. That irritates me, too - I buy pretty much all of my son's clothes and many times the new stuff goes to my exAH's and never comes back. If I ask, my exAH never saw whatever it was. It usually comes home right as it's about to not fit. :) Although I started to tell my son once that he couldn't wear his new jeans over to his dad's because they wouldn't come home with him, I decided I wouldn't put my son in the middle of it because I was irritated. Guess the good part is that he has stuff that fits at his dad's house too, and that's what's really important.
I agree that winning doesn't mean much when you're hurting. You're doing a good job admitting to yourself what the real issues are, and that's huge. Lots of times, anger gets misdirected when we don't make the effort to find out what we're really angry at. You did...good for you!
I sure do relate to the angry interchange of trying to get the A to admit the truth, finally getting the truth and end up feeling like crap..why? cause i already knew the truth why was it so important that he admit it...just to validate what I already knew. It's a hollow victory However you did get the back pay owed! kudos on that. That you shouldn't feel bad about that money is techicnally not owed to you but to your son and your son is intitled to it. Sorry your court date got cancelled that sucks. Blessings
I blew up at the roommates l live with recently over the noise they are making. Of course I am now the problem. Since I'm the problem who works 7 days a week I am able to detach from that rubbish. Talk about projection!
I would not say blowing up once in a while is deviating from a program. I'm certainly not a saint and sometimes I have to raise my voice and show my upset to let people know they have absolutely over stepped the line. Those lines (boundaries) of course are what I watch day and night. Nevertheless around any alcoholic there are going to be issues and it is certainly a tremendous task to be serene around them.
oh Lou you are doing fine! Does not sound like you were mean and evil. Of course you are frustrated. When we are ready to divorce, we are done, caput, get it over with!
The sweater thing, is important. Money too. Glad you got it Guilt? Hey your son needs to know dad comes thru, that he pays his debt, especially to you, and he gets his cloths.
NO big deal.
I feel in you, that you feel worse inside than it is. As usual hard on you hon.
When I am mad at me, I think about forgiveness. My HP is our father, God. I feel like if he cares enough to forgive me, then I can too.
YOu know it, this world is so darn hard. Life is not easy. When we have addiction in our life, makes it worse!
That was some awesome honesty! You owned it! I love you. I want to be more like you.
Being honest about your part and your true feelings (picking a fight and then not wanting it to end) is so huge. I only get little glimpses of that honesty in myself and it doesn't feel good! But that is the path to change.
Congrats on the $$ and the sweatshirts. I hope that was some gratitude in there to. He stepped up.
Thanks for coming to share it with us. I sure learned something!
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
And I was doing pretty good too... I will not be getting divorced tomorrow after all. My ex did not complete the financial disclosure paperwork. So frustrating to me in that he has blamed me for holding up the divorce and he scheduled the meeting. I worked hard to prepare, haven't slept, and was so ready. I even planned a "party" with friends for Friday night. Now it rescheduled for the 21st. Right before Christmas. Thanks.