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I dont know if I should do ( or say ) anything at all. I dont live with an alcoholic. I live in the same town as my Momand she is addicted to prescription pain killers and she has been for a very long time. Currently she is angry with me cuz I set a boundary.
A little over 5 yrs ago I confronted my Mom ( via email cuz she lived in a different town 650 miles away ) and to be truthful I was afraid to call her on the phone to tell her, but anyways, I knew she was suffering, she was depressed and expressed this to all of us kids via email, blah blah blah . I knew she had a problem with the pills, so I approached her thru the email ,telling her I love her and I wanted her to get help. I made suggestions as how to go about this, and that I wanted to help her. ( she also knew at that time I was approx 1 yr sober, working the AA program myself ).
Well- she emailed back and was really mad!! Said she didnt have a problem, that every now and then she takes some thing for her arthritis and she had every excuse in the book, blah, blah.... So, I get it, she is in denial.
And some of you may be asking how do I know for a fact that she is addicted to these pills. Cuz she was caught forging a doctors signature many years ago trying to get pain killers, and lost her nursing licence as a result of this and over the past 30-40 yrs I have seen the bottles of pills that she has. And no body who doesnt have a problem has these amounts of drugs or needs them in these amounts. So, I know she has a problem, not to mention her behaviors are a dead give away.
So, my question being, nothing has ever been said about her problem since that email over 5 yrs ago.
Im afraid to mention something to her about it all. Should I ?? Or do I just work the Alanon program and do the best I can to love my Mom regardless of the fact t hat there is this elephant in the room/relationship that nobody is talking about ??
I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that if I were to confront her now, she would disown me. She has disowned and dis inherited my little brother before, didnt speak to him for several years over borrowed $.
Im scarred , dunno what to do. Is there anyone else here in somewhat of the same circumstances or situation. Even if you aren't if you have any esh Id greatly appreciate it.
Aloha ljc...you have already told your mom you see the elephant in the living room. Unless her memory has left her body I'll be that she can remember the email so why not just act as if it is still apart of your awareness and accept her for where she is. I've gone thru this with my family also and I've spoken up and then let it go. They will or are getting it over time the way most of us do...thru the bottom.
Talk to your HP and sponsor about it to take care of how it affects your own peace of mind and serenity and do tell mom that you love her. (((((hugs))))) are good.
I've heard it saidaddictsare great con artists, sadly the one's they wind up conning the most is themselves.
Trust me, she heard you.
Since we all have free will, what's most important now is since she's made her choice...is really what I do with my "free will" that matters most.
Once I've spoken my concern, thoughts, feelings then I can consider that as being communication. Repeating it is merely classified as nagging after that.
The visual that helps me realize my motivation in deciding my actions would be equal to attempting to interfer with the process of a seed in the soil, no begging, pleading, shouting or crying is going to speed up the process.
I'm afraid mentioning it again will not tell her anything she doesn't know.
Remember the three C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, and you can't Control it.
I'm not sure what boundary you set -- it sounds as if you just told her something you observed. It's certainly not your job to keep her from being angry. Addicts often try to control us by acting with anger when we behave in ways that acknowledge their addiction.
That said, addicts aren't unaware that their lives revolve around their substance, however much they deny it to other people. Nothing you say or don't say will change that. What you have to do is to take care of yourself.
Do keep coming back -- things can get better for you even if she never changes.
Im going to do the best I can to take care of me. To be honest .. Im to much of a chicken to say anything to her. And Im hoping by working the steps of Alanon, that it will help me so I dont ever have to.
LJC, I empathise with your situation, my husbands mother was an alcoholic, and what immediately struck me when I came into their family was how no one ever said nothing, among all the chaos that her drinking caused on a daily basis no one ever got angry, said anything, they just let her carry on wrecking everyones lives around them,
having coming from a similar situation myself, I was angry, that she had so much control, that everyone felt so sorry for her, and when I once reacted by throwing her out of my home after having her verbally abuse me for 8 hours non stop while drinking in front of my 2 year old, the whole family showed anger and discust towards ME and asked how I could do that to her, I simply told them I had been raised with all that sickness and now I was an adult I wasnt going to just stand there and take it and she was in my home where she knew I wouldnt allow alcohol and she just went right out and bought it and proceeded to get drunk and abuse me very vicioulsy anad after 8 hours I had had enough and threw her out, they were horrified I didnt just take or accept her abuse and feel sorry for her but having been raised like that I decided to stop the abuse and take action, and i couldnt understand why they never got angry and never even spoke up for themselfes or never even said to her that she was ruining thier lives, even the father never spoke up against her which I couldnt believe or grasp
anyway, now having my son in the same situation I approached it by being active, speaking to him about it, confronting him, pointing this and that out etc etc, and what I learnt is that that didnt work either, and it took a lot of my energy and made me sick too, so you cant win, you cant beat this demon, he is always one step ahead, my son wont even enter into talks with me becomes very angry and just tells me to mind my own business that its his life, when I point out that I am his mother and love/care/worry about him he says not to bother, let him worry about himself,
Believe me she heard you loud and clear when you emailed her before. You did all you could...addressed the situation and gave her options for recovery. There is no more you can do. Like jerry said she will get thru it as most do, through the bottom Congrats on your own sobriety ! I also am not sure what boundaries you set so not sure what to say about that. Time to keep the focus on you and your recovery. You are the only person you can change and it sounds as though that is what you are doing. Keep up the good work Blessings
Hi, As everyone has told you, she has her own memory of what was said to her. She knows how you feel from 5 yrs. ago. You can't do anything more unless she is willing to change. That said, you also don't have to put up with any abuse. We always say, "Watch the actions, not the words." You could have some great discussions with her, but if her actions don't change, it's just words. Have your plan B and walk away if her actions are what you don't want to see. Take care of yourself. Mary
