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I can scarcely believe what I'm about to report. I'm 32 and I have a friend in my program in grad school who is a couple years younger. he's married; I'm engaged, there has never been any "tension" we've always just been good friends (that's just to clarify it in case you wondered!). Since about June he's just progressively been ignoring me more and more until recently I emailed him to say directly I was sorry our friendship had dwindled and would he meet for coffee. He has not replied in a week. His behavior has been weird not just to me but to others. He's become paranoid and snobbish to most people, he only maintains a select few friends that he finds tolerable and seems to be choosing new ones that seem more high-flying, while rejecting most of his old friends (people who have helped, supported, been loyal - and had so much fun in the past). Thing is he was always my friend, it seems, until I got a good fellowship, and now it's like he doesn't want to acknowledge my existence. I know I should detach but I'm really really upset by it. It is so much harder I find to apply alanon principle to this than to my other relationships because the other people in my life are actually reasonable and willing to talk to me and have dialogue. This guy has just cut me out with no explanation, and I feel devastated, so rejected, and like it is so incredibly cold, callous, and unjust on his part. I don't know if I should corner him some day and call him out (try to force a solution). I just can't stand not knowing what it is he has against me (but "knowing" it must be really bad for him to act this way). I just can't believe an adult friend/colleague would ever act this way. It is so incredibly shocking to me. Any ESH? I am really still so affected by it and don't know what to do to get over it without forcing some sort of resolution in which I can at least talk to him about it.
I should add he is also incredibly gifted and brilliant (intellectually I mean - socially he comes off as increasingly arrogant and distant) and recently very successful with prizes and publications - this may add to his arrogance /insecurity complex, but it doesn't seem to make sense why exactly he's decided to pick on me as his oldest friend at grad school. There seems to be no pattern, given he's maintaining friendships with some people "less" successful (maybe because he finds them "promising") and pursuing new friendships with some considered "more" successful. I don't care about this - I just want to be friends (or did). But I think he should at least be kind and collegial!
-- Edited by Imogen421 on Tuesday 7th of December 2010 11:35:33 PM
ps I'm sorry for complaining. I know this is a very mild thing compared to so many awful things that happen. Please know (and I remember) I'm happy and grateful for my program and all the beautiful things it's brought ...but this thing - it's out of the blue - and I'm STUCK! So wondered if anyone had similar, or ESH for dealing with friends who suddenly act like they don't know you.
No where in my program does it encourage me to force a solution. I have gone through something similar with someone in the fellowship actually, suddenly the relationship is over and there is no more communication and no explanation. It hurts... a lot.
Bottom line is, we're never going to fully understand why anyone does anything, not just the A's in our lives..... heck, sometimes I don't even know why I do the things I do. We can't control anyone, we are powerless!! Over alcohol, and people, places and things. As hard as it it, I have to surrender, just like you.... and work on acceptance, I have to fill my head with things like this:
"Acceptance is the solution to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake..... unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be change in me and my attitudes." (BB p. 417)
(((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
This is a sad and difficult situation. Something internal is obviously going on with your former friend, and he himself may not know what it is. I agree that forcing a solution (which would probably be not a "solution" but a confrontation) is not likely to be helpful: I suspect that if you did it, he'd give you an answer that would be even more confusing, because most of us don't know our motivations all that well. When I've tried to push exes into conversations like this, I get "I don't know" or "I wasn't doing it, you were just imagining it" (even when that's clearly not the case) or "Why is it your business?" or "I wasn't avoiding you but I will now," or other unhelpful answers that showed why I shouldn't have forced the issue.
But the bigger thing is that usually when something is really, really eating at me, there's not only a present trigger, but it brings up something from the past. I wonder if this scenario is like some things you've been through before? Something that really still hurts? That doesn't mean that the current behavior is any less difficult, but it does make it harder to move on.
in my experience I had a very close friend who did this to me, just walked out of my life, we were like sisters, more than sisters, and one day she was gone, no explaination, no phone calls, nothing, it devastated me and left me confused and shocked, this went on for nine years, and there wasnt a day I didnt miss her or think of her, I felt angry and to top it all, everytime she saw my friends would pass on messages to tell me she loved me and was proud of me, yet, when a friend suggested she contact me she refused
I swore I would NEVER treat my friends like that, until I had a very traumatic experience, my friends went through this experience with me and suddenly I found I couldnt be around them anymore, couldnt ring, or visit, just sent cards saying I was thinking of them and would be in touch soon, I hated myself for doing it, felt so guilty, I knew they would be hurt/confused and wondering what the heck was going on, but I felt it wasnt right to explain to them that the very experience they had been there for me and got me through, was the reason I couldnt be around them as to be around them brought back the memories,
I then realised that that was why my friend had walked out of my life, she too had been through an horrific experience while with me and i had spent years getting her through it, that very thing was the thing that pushed us apart,
now, I am not saying that is the case with your friend, but sometimes something is going on that we are not aware of, perhaps your friend now wants to move on from his A days, and wants to distance himself from anything or anyone that reminds him of it, perhaps it was all very painful for him and seeing you reminds him of that pain,
it was easy for me to judge my friend and rail against her, and think she was awful to me, then when something similar happened to me I began to completely understand why she did what she did, I hope this might help in some small way,
We can never know whats going on in another person's life, even someone we consider to be a good friend.
We should learn to not take everything so personally. Sometimes its not about us. Most of the time its not about us. When that person is ready to talk they will or they won't. You tried to open the lines of communication and he didnt go for it.
Why not just leave it at that. People come and go in our lives. We must accept it.
We can never be hurt by people if we dont allow it.
It sounds like you have done your best to make contact. If it is a brick wall, then that is that right?
When I was young, I never thought about how friendship could end. But it does happen. I have even ended some on my own. But I always let them know there were just things I did not agree with, and I believe in accepting people as is.
I might send a card, let him know you treasured his friendship, that you are there to talk if he likes. Then I would leave it alone.
You are too young, but may know of Jimmy Durante. He has a quote, "Be kind to people on your way up as you may meet them again on your way down."
He was one of the kindest actors/singers waaaaaay back when.
I was thinking when someone on here was sharing about how they were broadsided by someone not being honest.
Now your share. My thoughts were many of us are honest, kind and would run rather than hurt anyone. Then we find out others, even our friends and spouces are not honest, can be so mean and it shocks us.
There are people out there that we misjudged their true character. It is a loss!
So yes Al anon can help us to detach. We have our memories, know we were a good friend to them, and let them go.
You are already going thru and facing some hard things in your life, now this hits. Be good to you, sometimes letting go is the best thing to do.
Believe me there are others who treasure you! debilyn
As difficult as it is to lose a friendship, not all friendships are meant to last. People are put into our lives for different reasons and while we may hold them dear once they have completed that reason it is time for them to move on. Thier could be many reasons your friend has become distant, possibly his fiance doesn't like him socializing with other woman no matter how inncocent, maybe he is starting to work his way up the food chain so to speak....socializing with people that can help give him a leg up when he is ready. I would give him his space as he like any of us is going to do as he pleases and we've no control over the behaviors of other. Blessings
I am going through a similar experience with my best friend. I read the replys about letting go accepting and that sometimes people are in our lives for a certain length of time and when we learn the lessons we were meant to learn they leave our lives. I agree with all of this. But it doesnt take from the feelings of loss felt when that person distances themselves from you. I was so used to my friend always being there for me. I guess I became dependent on her always being there for me. And that I would be there for her. That nothing would come between us. But something has come between us in the last 4/5 weeks. And I cant say exactly what it is. But she just stopped confiding in me. She didnt want me to ask questions about what was going on in her family ( a recent trauma involving her daughter). I do not know the details and I felt a coldness when i gently broached the subject. I couldnt go there with her and I started to feel like I was walking on eggshells around her, doing my best to avoid saying the wrong thing. I didnt want to be pushing her where she didnt want to go. But I felt hurt that she didnt trust me to let me in on whatever was going on with her. I have to respect her right to privacy. But for 2 people who shared so much up to this point in our friendship it was hard to take. I felt a distance grow between us and now it is at the point where all communication has stopped. I know Im feeling symtoms of grief- anxiety sadness lonlieness fear. Im just not able to pick up teh phone to her and she must be the same with me. I miss my friend and it scares and hurts me. This is probably bringing me back to a relationship in my past with a person I loved who I lost. Its just so hard to be where Im at at teh moment.
I have experienced what your worried about ,as we begin to change alot of people don't like it and the relationship changes , when it happened to me itwas afriend of 12 yrs at the time and mysponsor talked to me about Let It Begin With Me .. she said if this relationship is that important to you its up to you to keep in touch , she said to call ever few weeks and let her know that i was thinking of her and her family, for over a yr it was just me reaching out to her , turns out she needed to be in this program too and wasnt ready butttt 3 yrs later she turned up at my dooor and has been a member of our program for 15yrs now . keep in touch dont take his response personally the problem is his . Louise
I have gone through a similar experience. I had a really good friend that I met at my first job as an adult. We were very close. We went through our first pregnancy together. Our boys are 20 days apart. It was great having my best friend there going through the same thing with me. Three years later, when I got pregnant with my second child, she was there for me then too. She was great. The day I went into labor and had to have an emergency c-section, she came to the hospital, and was even in the operating room with me during the surgery. She came to visit me every day I was in the hospital. The second day I was in the hospital, my grandmother passed away, and my mom was very torn on whether or not to go out of town for her funeral since she knew I would need her help since I just had surgery, and also had a 3 year old to care for too. My best friend told my mom not to worry, that she could go out of town to the funeral, as she would take off work as long as needed, and would take care of me and my kids. I stayed with her for four days. She was a great friend. Up until a couple of years ago, we remained very close. One day she called me, and told me she was at work, and needed to talk, but then she had to get off the phone quickly because her work phone started ringing. She said she would call me back around 5pm. Before she got off the phone though, she had mentioned that her and her husband were having issues and were headed for divorce. I waited for her phone call, and 5pm came and went. I tried calling her several times over the next few days to make sure she was ok. No answer. I tried text messaging her. No answer. I tried emailing her, and again no answer. I have no idea what happened to her. It was very strange that one minute she wanted to talk to me about some issues in her life, and poof she was gone. No explanation, no nothing. This hurt me so much. Last year, I tried finding her on facebook, and I found her. I sent a request to add her as a friend, and she actually accepted it. I sent her a private message on facebook, thanking her for adding me, and asked how she was doing, and told her that I have missed her very much. I never got a response from her. It was the strangest thing that she would add me to her facebook, but would still have nothing to do with me. I ended up unfriending her because seeing updates of her life was way too painful for me, as I still didn't understand why she wouldn't have anything to do with me. Still to this day, I think of her often, and still care about her deeply. I really hope that she is doing well in life, and wish her all the best. I just wish we could go back to the way things used to be, and be best friends again. I still have no clue what happened that caused her to drop me out of her life, and probably never will know. I can only hope and pray that she knows that I still care about her a great deal.
Kimmy
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
My friend dropping me suddenly feels the strangest thing to me also.
Just so strange. I actually feel disorientated these last three days- had a real hard time focusing at work today and absorbing any instruction from colleagues. I work in a busy office and was doing a different job these last three days filling in for someone out sick. The work isnt v technical- it was like my mind couldnt absorb anything new- not technical stuff on the computer anyway- embarrassing coz I felt like the newcomer again and tiring as well trying to appear like I knew what I was at! Theres only so many times you can ask someone the same questions over & over before they start to think you must not have a brain in your head. I know Im v sensitive to what others think of me at the minute. I cant help it
I went through something like this a few years ago after my mother died. This feels like symptoms of grief. I know confusion is a part of grief. I also know in the back of my mind I will come through this and get clarity as I talk out my feelings and thoughts. I know as well there is learning & growth in what Im experiencing. Probably my friend (best friend) is going through something similar. I dont know because we're not talking.
Im new to this forum and the first thing i did when i came in the door from work was to log on to check if anyone had responded to my message. I actually cried as I had being feeling lost all day & couldnt get the support I was looking for from other friends I tried to explain to how i was feeling. But I feel Ive got the support I was looking for here. My HP speaks to me in many different ways. Im so grateful to have you people here
Hi everyone - thanks for all these great shares, and I hope for those also going through this now or recently the situation will start to resolve and with the program and your own support system, become a source of growth. I am feeling better. Last night hit a low point but thanks to conversation with fiancé I think I'm coming back up now! So grateful for the program and the real friends close and "out there" who care for me, and vice-versa!
Ok this is just...well, I don't know how to explain it. So I post about my friend that dropped all contact with me a few years back, and never knew or understood why. Well guess what? She sent me a private message on Facebook tonight saying, she has no real reason or explanation as to why our friendship ended, but she is missing our friendship that we use to have. I am in shock, and I am not sure how to respond, or if I should respond. AH thinks I shouldn't have anything to do with her after the way she just dropped me like it was no big deal. He just got done telling me I shouldn't respond, and that a true friend wouldn't do what she did to me. But in the same breath he says I can do whatever I choose. So basically what I am hearing is, don't respond, but it is up to you if you do respond, but just know that if you do, I am going to get upset with you for not taking my advice. I feel torn now because, if I don't respond, I will never know if we have a true chance at a friendship again, but if I do respond, AH will probably get upset with me for not taking his advice. Of course there is always that chance that if I do respond to her, and we become friends for awhile, that what happened a few years ago will happen again, and that I will end up hurt all over again. Then not only will I have to potentially deal with that pain again, but also deal with the "I told you so's" from AH. UGH!
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
I woke up this morning and as I lay in bed I felt the old feelings of depression creep in- mainly anxiety. I thought back to who was there for me in the past when I was feeling this way before- when I had deep depression as I was going through my marriage break up, then having to leave family home, being out of work & worrying sick about how I was going to survive with 2 children dependent on me, finally getting my new job-who was there for me through all of that- my friend.
And I knew as I thought back on that awaful hard time in my life that I just couldnt give up on our friendship. It just means too much to me- I value it. So I put my pride and fear to one side and text her saying I feel like Ive lost my best friend and would she like to go for a walk.
OK, so she didnt just treat me with coldness recently. She lashed out with such rage, out of the blue, unprovoked. One day we were out walking, chatting. Two days later when I rang her she 'attacked' me over something I didnt know was annoying her at all- someting I hadnt done. I dont belive the issue she was ranting at me about was the real thing that brought out this rage in her. And it certainly wasnt fair that I was on the receiving end of this fury. Thats what shocked me so much. The unexpectdeness of it. But it certainly was something that had being building up in her for a long time, festering away. I can see now she had a resentment towards me. I know the recent trauma in her family may have triggered a lot of stuff in her that has probably nothing to do with me.
I dont want to just walk away without trying to heal this divide between us. If she does get back to me I see it as an opportunity for growth & healing. I'll get a chance to say how this has impacted on me. I'll get to hear what was going on with her. We may even decide to not remain in contact afterwards but If that turns out to be the case, I'd be more accepting than I am now because at least I'd know I've done all I can
If she doesnt get back to me (she hasnt yet anyway) then that would be an awful pity. Maybe she doesnt want to hear how I feel. All I know is that I dont want let the years go by without trying. Life is just too short. I do know its friends who got me through the hardest times in the past- it wasnt my husband. He ran when the going got tough
Kimmy, only you can decide, i had a similar experience to you with a friend, then we came to a point in life where i had matured and grown so much that I "outgrew" her she wanted to continue with old habits and ways and I wanted to continue to change and grow, we eventually went seperate ways, then met up again after 15 years, I decided to give it another go, we were closer than ever and for the next 7 years we were inseperable and went through hell together, I believed that we would stay like this forever, but once again we went our seperate ways, because again I had changed even more and grown even more, and she hadnt, its way too long to go into, but she let me down again, and was prepared to end our friendship to suit her means, would I do it again?
NO, not now, a member of her family did email me and try to renew the link, but I simply didnt answer, I dont wish her any harm, still miss her like hell, no matter how many friends I have now or again none of them will ever come close to the bond we had, some bonds get broken and cannot be replaced, its your decision, are you in a good place now and not so much in need of a good friend, would it inhance your life to have her back?
on the other hand are you in a bad place right now and therefore couldnt handle her letting you down again? Forget AH, and his "told you so sermons" if you belive this friendship could offer you the same warmth and joy it previoulsy did, then go for it, but if you feel you could never trust her again, having invested even more in her, then let it go, you decide, according to whats best for you
