The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been attending Al-Anon meetings and learning the steps. I know that I have not mastered them because I still get the feelings of controlling, watching and feeling suspicious. My AH is going to wonderful meetings and making important changes in HIS life. I have to become better at managing MY own life; lots of work to do on that! How do I detach - it seems like a word that doesn't fulfill true intimacy in a marriage? I have felt cold and distant in the past but what kind of relationship is that? I'm having trouble with this. Also, I'd be interested in knowing what you have done beyond your normal day to day routine ( which can be monotonous ) and taken care of yourself so that you don't slip into the controlling nature. Thank You.
Aloha wife...good news!! Loving and Detaching are two separate behaviors and conditions. You can learn and practice both at the same time or separately. Therefore....you can do both or just one at any particular time. For me doing both at the same time is best...for me. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Detaching to me is knowing where a person ends and I begin. It's not a cold behavior. In my marriage, we were very enmeshed, totally intertwined and emotionally involved in each others lives. If he was miserable at work, he would call to tell me, and I would become miserable right with him. (I had a real resentment when he would come home happy, never bothering to phone me to let me know things had improved... while I stayed miserable all day!!)
Sadly, I thought I was being loving! It's not loving when I get emotionally involved in someone else's business. It's not loving to ME. I can sympathize and be understanding and supportive, but it's not healthy for me to become affected. I can be there for someone, but I gotta stay on my path, let them be on theirs.
I also like the acronym for DETACH: Don't Even Think About Changing Him/Her. When I accept someone as they are, without any ulterior motives to change them somehow... that is loving.
Detaching can be taking the focus off him and putting it on yourself, getting off his back, so to speak. My husband felt the pressure off of him immediately, I had had him under the microscope for a very long time. It was not a kind thing to do to him. I had to learn, Live and Let Live.
BTW, none of us "master" this program, we have a choice to keep practicing it. You are doing great! ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 7th of December 2010 01:15:22 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I started living my own life and concentrating on myself. I did this by reading constantly, and I mean constantly. If I am not reading I am listening to speakers and hitting as many meetings as possible. I started a new hobby and got out more with my friends. I make sure to take time for myself every day. I take a half an hour morning and night to do my readings and meditate no matter if something doesn't get done. I just took two days off of work for myself as I am feeling a little stressed and need to listen to myself.
I find that what has been missing for me is day to day affection which started just before the "detachment" process and continued through that. I also read in one al-anon book that it might be helpful to keep my thoughts to myself and not to in another. I looked at me and what is best for me and I decided I don't feel comfortable with not sharing at all. I gave my A a hug and shared gently about a couple of things that have bothered me and found he felt the same way. We decided that our day was so much better being affectionate and we need to nurture that feeling and basic affection.
When I am working my program and not controlling, stressing, suspicious things are easier for me. When I am suspicious that is fear coming out in me. Fear we will not be able to make it through this, fear he is going back to the way he used to be. What if he does? I will be fine regardless, my hp will care for me, I am never alone and it will all work out. I remind myself of that and my suspicious feelings leave me and I focus again on myself. I can then be able to feel affectionate once again and things can be more positive.
Our programs are much easier with each of us when there is positive feelings between us. We are not intimate on an emotional level, but with basic affection between us that is acceptable for now, and we can build on the rest later.
I was taking things personally. When I would hug him and he would mechanically hug me back or not at all, I would feel rejected and not feel comfortable initiating that affection. When I stop taking it personally, I can continue my affections while doing my own thing. I can detach from the ism's of alcoholism and still let him know I love him.
Detaching for me was hard to put my grips on early in the program. Easier said than done as they say. Detaching for me was like a boundary, a way to take care of me. I can honestly say I first learned how to detach, detaching with love came later. When I applied love into the the process of detachment, accepted my wife and the disease, detaching with love became much easier. I didn't have to leave the room or take my dogs for as many walks as before.LOL
It sounds like your husband is working his program, and making changes for the good. You have to be proud of him.
You asked, "How do I detach and still love my husband?". Every one detaches at different times, for different reasons, and in different ways. For me I can only say it came with practice. With practice you will be able to answer your question.
HUGS, RLC
P.S. I will mention one way I detach with love by using my favorite solgan "Don't React". There are times in the right situations when a smile and saying nothing will say all that needs to be said, if the smile is a loving smile........body language !!
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 7th of December 2010 01:58:08 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 7th of December 2010 01:59:41 PM
Don't worry about mastering the steps I don`t know anyone who has yet including myself and I have been trying to live them for a very long time. Detachment to me means to separate myself emotionally from the chaos he creates , i dont fix his messes anymore or pay his bills and if he gets himself in trouble I leave the solution for him to figure out . We have a detachment pamphlet that is awsome has alot of suggestions on how to detach with love . also if you have an ODAT go to page on July 14th ,that page made it perfectly clear to me my part in this relationship , nothing changes until someone changes .
This was a very hard concept for me to grasp, I struggled daily trying to understand how to detach with love. My husband is not an A so our stories differ in that way, Our son is our A We love our son uncondtionally and i had the hardest time figuring out how to detach from him much less with love because it was with love that I was constantly trying to "save" him. But the more educated i became on this disease, and seeing the pain my son was in that caused him to turn to drugs I learned compassion. Once I learned to have compassion for him somehow I was able to separate my son (the person) from his disease. I could love my son and not feed his disease anymore or enable. I then could set boundaires which were also very hard for me because as he lived at home and our boundary was he could not bring drugs here or be high here anymore at first it hurt us all terribly to have to enforce these boundaires. He has spent the last 10 months in a jail/rehab program and now is able to leave the jail daily to look for work. He will not be released until he is working at least 30 hrs a week which is near impossble. But so far he has kept his spirits up and as per our boundaries knows he will not be coming back home so we have found him a place to live. We will support him in anyway as long as he is working his recovery but knows that should he go back to his old ways his safety net is gone, But in short we love him no matter what but allow him the dignity of making his own choices and then facing the consequences.
For me, detaching means allowing him to be himself. Not trying to control, coerce, force solutions etc. I concentrate on me and what I can do right next. I talk to my sponsor and keep working on me and my stuff. I love him, that is different, and I can detach from what he is doing, I can keep my sanity regardless of if he drinks or not...
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
As I read the resonses I realized I guess I am different. Well did it different.
My AH had a horrible childhood. Then got drafted, saw more horror during the Viet Nam war.
I loved him so much. It tore my heart out to see what his addiction did to him. Then it started on me. I felt the bitterness, anger, frustration.
When I researched addiction more, and now found I was living with it, I knew he was insane, mentally ill. After working sp.ed for so many years, I knew how some people cannot help the way they act sometimes.
It did not make me love them or care any less. So here is my husband I knew all my life so sick. I felt pity. Saw how hard he tried, but always failed.
Somehow I got where I could love him as him, but the awful stuff to me was like he was barfing, or had a fever, just symptoms of his addictions. I just loved him.
When the disease was too much for me to take, ex; he would say something totally off the wall and a little mean, I would gauge his behavior, most times I could just go to my own room, read, watch tv, take a shower, whatever. I had a door out from my room right to my car. IF I had to I would go for a drive.
So for me that is how even now, I don't feel bitter or angry. Even with the struggle with my home, I don't blame him. Once a long time ago he said," I am so sorry I ruined your life." What a horrible thing to carry around, to think you ruined someones life.
I believe in forgivness, not keeping account of the injury is part of truly loving somene. (In my beliefs)If I want to be forgiven for dumb things I do or will do in the future, so how can I not forgive him?
I know the ex AH very well. So well that I could let him go, and no longer long for him. I KNOW he is not the man he used to be.
Detaching I protedted me, got my money so he could not get it, things in my name, learned my rights. Got a legal separation so if he got sued they could not take my house.
I got it so all I would lose if he left, was him. For a long time I gleaned the precious time i had with him. Remember it gets worse not better.
When I began to date (again) after a hiatus from that - I came across some dating suggestions for healthy relationships. One of the things it said was to stop asking questions of the adults that I have relationships with - and at first - ya I thought it was stupid! lol But as I did practise not asking questions (in general, not if I needed something) - I could see that the ?'s are a mask of my directing, controlling, managing, mothering, smothering and policing.
It is a relief to only be in charge of myself and not taking responsibility for the rest of the whole enitre world/universe. Working on being peaceful and happy - is a full time job and it takes my conscious awareness to do that full time/constantly.
If I am not happy, I am the only one that can change that. I look to my attitude and what also is an extremely effective tool - is to be grateful, make a gratitude list and be appreciative for all that you possibly can. When you meditate and hear ur own heart beating and can feel and hear your own breath - being grateful for a new day - can be a very poignant & powerful experience. Then everything else is nicer, when I can be in a kind, loving state of mind. I can do that by establishing boundaries.
Seperate your AH from the disease. You can support and love him and still not agree with the choices he is making - detach and make healthier choices for you.
-- Edited by kitty on Wednesday 8th of December 2010 08:38:21 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
including myself and I have been trying to live them for a very long time.