The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I finally heard from the very selfish and sick A. He emailed....said he's trying to find a job, and he wants to just move forward and that he's sorry that everything worked out this way and that he can't change anything.
"Can't" change anything? Is that just a sick thing to say? It's not that he "can't" change anything, it's that he "WON'T" change anything. I will NOT respond to his email. What is there to say? Nothing, I would love to give a piece of my mind, but I will not. Why should I? Is he trying to justify his decision? He has chosen to leave his family AGAIN, has chosen alcohol over us, has chosen to live far away and not explain anything, but wants to at some point. There is nothing he can explain. It is exactly as we all see it....a very serious illness.
I remember getting the same type of email from my A when he left. Oh if I had known then what I do now.
I remember the words coming out of your mouth, coming out of mine. How could he say he "can't" when really he "won't". I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
At the time for him he really couldn't. He didn't want to leave his family as he loved us and missed us dearly, especially our son. My A didn't choose alcohol over his family, he didn't see it the same as I. I also couldn't understand his way of thinking. I was furious that he apologized that things worked out this way, like he had no control in the outcome. Like he was incapable of seeing the consequences of his thinking and choices.
Looking back he did the best he could with the knowledge he had. His knowledge was very limited and self awareness non existent.
When I took my son to the courses we did, my instructors kept telling me I had to leave anger behind and I couldn't see how that would be possible. Today I can see how that is possible. I was also going on the knowledge I had. My program has provided me the tools that probably would have aided me in getting through that time much more successfully.
I know your pain, everyone here knows your pain, we have all been thru it.
Whatever method you choose to answer your A or not answer is up to you. He cant or wont change anything because he is into the disease. Alcoholics are driven by one compulsion and thats to drink. There not capable of making logical choices. Who knows what situation he has gotten himself into. Alcoholics are always creating chaos for themselves.
Keep remembering we are powerless over alcohol. Also step 11, its powerful, especially when your in the grips of going thru turmoil.
Hang in there. Sometimes instead of one day at a time, it is one minute at a time. You can and will get through this. It is so unfortunate that it is so painful for every one that is involved with an A. Thinking of you...
