The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I go to a meeting every Friday that is through my church, it's been wonderful because first they have a BBQ if you want to eat dinner, then they have a little bit of worship and talk about troubles in life etc, then the men go to one side, the women to the other and break down into issue specific groups. I wish it was everynight, but it's not, only Fridays. I'm going back to a Tuesday meeting I used to go to near home, but stopped going because at that time it just wasn't a 'fitting' group for me, but it's the closest one.
The other reason I'm going is because I'm dragging #2 and #3 children (both boys ages 12 and 16) to Alateen as they have it there during the alanon meeting. I tried to get my oldest there years ago and he refused to go! These two are much easier to make go, so I told them tonight they are going whether they like it or not and that their brother refused to go but i was not going to make that mistake with them. #2 said he doesn't need to go, he feels nothing about anything that has gone on, he's just fine and dandy. Whatever, i told him he doesn't have to talk, he can just listen and that if he feels nothing, that is NOT good! So we'll see how it goes Tuesday. My youngest is only 8, so she can't benefit, but I think I'm going to call her school to have her meet with the school psychologist. My kids were sad and angry at what he's done and the lies and his coming in and back out of our lives, but its like they are over it and have moved on already. I don't get it, but i know I always hear that kids cope differently.
We'll see, I just have to help try to repair the damage, because the A still has not come around to show his face or explain anything, in his mind, it's still my fault or whoever's fault, and that he is NOT an alcoholic, being with us makes his drinking and binging out of control because I dont' allow it around us, so now he can drink lots of beer every night and function just fine in another home and not have these crazy insane binges.......even though I know it's not me.....still in the back of my mind it sits there.....(he's not binging anymore like he was....because he is allowed to drink where he is and doesn't have to try not to drink)....so yes, in a way...my fault, but not my fault....very stupid I know.
He still drinks, he goes thru periods where he doesnt drink as much, and times he binges. The choice is his. I went thru 26 years of marriage with his drinking hoping he would find sobriety. I have done Alanon for over 20 years, I started with overeaters in 85. Alanon and my religious practice has saved me. I had that guilt in the beginning too, if I had been a better wife, if I had done this a certain way, If I hadnt said that or done that.
We have to learn that first step and really keep working it and live it "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable."
You think a little controlled drinking lasts??? Soon they are back to bingeing again. Did you say you have a sponsor.??? Im really going to press this issue about how important it is to have a sponsor. I had two, boy I had one that was militant Alanon which I really needed. She did not mess around. The ojective of Alanon is too progress and find solutions, not too constantly live in the problem and suffer. I know your trying to get help for your children, but we must also realize that this is a consequence that is the A's responsibility also, that one day they will have to answer to their children, you should not be taking care of that problem either 100% of the time. The A will have to address this either now or later.
Yay...the courage to change the things I can... Sit down, listen, learn, practice, practice, practice. It works when you work it. In support (((((hugs)))))
Your church and Alanon groups sound good. I love the church sponsored meals too and have one this Saturday. I have some favorite Alanon meetings, but attend less favored ones too- there is always some take away.
I was married 20 years to my exHA, divorced 4 years. He claims sobriety the past two years and has yet to really make efforts with our daughter, now 19. He sometimes texts her or has his new wife text her as his best effort. Last year, he took his new wife, then girlfriend, to europe rather than help move our daughter into her first year of college. She had specifically asked that he be there to help support her adjustment.
My exHA still blames me for his second rehab and for the demise of the marriage and him not having a relationship with our daughter, etc. He is now remarried to another A. His relationship with our daughter, or lack of one, remains his responsibility, whether he accepts it or not. I do not have expectations that he will become a Dad to our daughter, but would be happy if he does.
He called me recently and asked me to ask our daughter to contact him. When, I tell him to contact her directly, he says he doesn't want to push her because he knows that won't get him anywhere. Either he doesn't differentiate between taking initiative as her Dad and pushing; or, he is too uncomfortable initiating the kind of effort that it takes to develop a relationship and be an invested parent. The proverbial ball is in his park.
I encourage my daughter to try Alanon, but she is not interested. She acts like it doesn't matter that her Dad is absent. In vulnerable moments she says how much she loves him and needs to pretend that he is something that he is not. Sadly, she never saw the good man underneath the disease that I married, his problem escalated since she was born.
I know she, like myself, is broken, and I can't fix her. However, she notices positive changes in me since I've been working the program. She comes to me for help and I apply the Alanon principles (without stating so) and share my stories of what works, and, she finds this very helpful. ...guess it's something like eating vegetables for her.
