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Recently on a reality show, two women were talking about their marriages. One was in a loving and supportive marriage, the other one wished for that. The happy woman said, "I feel like he's always got my back, and I know I've got his." I realized that I've never had that feeling in my marriage of his having my back.
Which got me to thinking -- is it possible for an A, drinking or not, to have anyone's back? They all seem to be so wrapped up in their own issues and world, I wonder if it's even possible for them to give that much. What do you think?
I used to believe my husband "had my back." Maybe it was real. Maybe it was an illusion. I trusted him, until he was no longer trustworthy.
My goal today, is to not NEED anyone to take care of me, is anyone truly trustworthy? I only trust my HP's perfect unconditional love and care for me. Heck, I don't even trust myself, my thinking can be so distorted sometimes, my decisions are not always best for me.... !
My experience is, as perfectly imperfect humans, we are all doing the best we can.
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 5th of December 2010 08:32:04 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
LOL...One of our local members who was always bubbling about her alcoholic told me she was being told by her alcoholic/addict spouse that he "Had her back". This always caused me to smile and chuckle to myself from my experience within the disease. It was pride, ego and bravado and he was blowing smoke because he had not even found the doors of sobriety yet and didn't know that "her back" was already supported by a fellowship greater in number and more aware of what she was needing.
She went to the conference and he went with her and while they were there (April 1st, 2006...April fools day) he found himself admitting that he was alcoholic and powerless over alcohol resulting in an unmanagable life. He's sober today and AA has his back. Alcoholic arrogance is so funny in light of the total lack of experience and understanding.
I believe it's possible for a sober A working a good program to have someone else's back. I feel like my AH has my back - well, if "has my back" means that he's supportive of my endeavors, even if he doesn't necessarily always understand. He's kind and loving. He's a good man, and I feel blessed to have him. Sure, sometimes he's selfish and wrapped up in his own issues. Then again, I am in NO position to point fingers about that, because so am I.
But I think I am actually way less concerned about this than I was when I got into recovery. When I got here, I wanted him to be there for me SO BADLY and he couldn't. In retrospect, I know that I wanted him to be something that no human person could have been to me. I wanted him to be a perfect, all-knowing, all-powerful, all-protective HP. In fact, I lived in this constant state of depression over the fact that he couldn't be what I wanted him to be, or what I imagined that he had been before (was he ever like I imagined, or was that just a fantasy in my head? I think it was actually the latter - I was in love with the potential I believed he had, and not so much the actuality of it). He was in recovery when I met him - had about 5 years of sobriety - but he relapsed shortly after we met and he drank for more than a year before getting sober again. He couldn't be there for me when he drank, and I didn't understand that. I took it personally over and over and over. He'd say he would do something and I'd "believe" him (read: tell myself he was telling the truth, then check up a million times to see if he actually was because on some level, I guess I really DIDN'T believe him). Then he'd get drunk instead, and I'd get hysterical and yell and scream at him for lying. I didn't understand that he simply did not have the ability to be honest - not with me, not with himself, and not with anyone else. He wasn't a bad partner, he was a sick partner.
Alanon helped me learn to be a lot more independent and to avoid putting myself in the position of allowing people to hurt me - including my AH. While I love his company and appreciate the things he brings to our relationship, I accept the fact that he is not perfect and that he is not God.
It's hard to explain, though - while I know my AH has my back today and he is a good partner, I have no way to know what is going to happen tomorrow. While I hope he won't go back out to do market research on active alcoholism, I can't control whether or not he does. I can't get wrapped up in him the way I did before I found recovery myself because it may not always be that way. Instead, I just appreciate today with the awareness that it just may not always be as good as it is now.
For me, though, words like "always" ("I feel like he's 'always' got my back") and "never" ("I've 'never' had that feeling") are dangerous. They mean that I'm using black and white thinking - it's either all or it's nothing. I've discovered in recovery that almost nothing is black or white.
Just my .02.
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Sunday 5th of December 2010 08:45:25 PM
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Sunday 5th of December 2010 08:46:06 PM
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Sunday 5th of December 2010 08:47:35 PM
In the ten year I have been with my A on and off he had my back as you would describe it for about six months when he was working a strong program of recovery. The rest of the time I have been on one side of the fence when he and his family, friends and addictions have been on the other.
I have learned my hp has my back, to have my own back, take care of myself and lean on my Al-anon program for the rest. I don't know if it will always be that way, but for today that is what I have.
I feel as though my A never had my back. He betrayed me in so many ways. I stood up for myself a lot more than I ever did and have become a stronger person because of it.
As much as he hurt me, I learned a lot about myself. Count on me, no one else.
Remember Sandra Bullocks famous remark at the Oscars last year.
Thank to my husband James, who "Always has my back", I think two days later it came out he was boinking every woman in Hollywood, and he has known addiction problems which Sandra didnt know about. Just using this as an example, because there are lots of relationships where there is betrayal. I had one of my own.
It taught me, like member 922 and most of you are saying , always rely on yourself, have your own back.
Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 5th of December 2010 09:24:24 PM
Yep...good topic! I'm not sure if 'having your back' goes hand in hand with trust??
I'm not sure if I will ever be able to trust my AH again. Maybe, one day, if he has a good amount of sobriety under his belt, if I'm better too, if a significant amount of time has gone by without me catching him in yet another lie (be in financial, drinking, talking to another woman, what time he got off work, what time he got home, how much the bill was ect..).
However, with that being said... unless the AH is completely wasted - I know he'd have my back. When I'm sick, he makes me soup, if I really don't want to go pick up my daughter from a bday party cause I'm not in the mood for chatting up all the moms for half an hour, then he'll go for me (although his driving with my daughter privilege has been taken away, that is a new boundary now - no driving with my daughter in the car..). If I am frustrated trying to fix something, he will offer to fix it. So, I'd say ya, he has my back, or is capable of having my back...when he's sober.
The more important question is: Can you trust them, the A, to have your back, all the time...no matter what? I'd say, no...I can't because if he's drunk to the point of inability to function, that just would not be possible....
It definitely isn't something that can be made into a broad statement. They are all so different. I had one in my life that is now past who I would have trusted with my life. He was extremely dependable and "had my back", which for me means he believed in me and was supportive. He wanted to see me happy and successful. Watching me excel did not make him feel like less of a man or threaten him.
The man who catapolted me into Al-Anon was not dependable, was not on my side, and was not supportive. He had all the right words, but when it came time to actually be those things he failed miserably. I would even warn him - "Tough times are coming, I am going to be very busy." Then the time would come, my work load or travel would increase, and instead of helping me through it even just emotionally, all hell would break loose because my focus was not on him 100%. I felt like a possession, not someone he wanted to see happy, but someone he had to maintain power over.
I don't require much and depending on myself and having my own back is something I have mastered pretty darned well. But I do want a "partner" who improves my life and makes it a little easier instead of more difficult and painful. I will hopefully never tolerate that again.
Trust . . . now that is a whole other topic . . . but is required for one to believe that the other has their back in the first place. Don't you think?
tlc
-- Edited by tlcate on Sunday 5th of December 2010 10:36:24 PM
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Excellent question. With my 22 years of being married to an A experience, and now having an adult child A and Not living with an active addiction for the past several years I can attest that the answer to that is unfortunately, No.
I am married to a kind gentle spirited man who has no addictions (ok, to cookies) who doesn't drink, smoke, cuss, gamble or watch movies with violence/sex in them. In other words, he has a standard of morality. Is it perfect, heck no. Do we live without fighting, mostly yes. Does he have my back, mostly yes. Given the exceptions of being tired, taking care of his responsibilites and not being my God.
To those of you still in the marriage/relationship with your A, Please do not use me or anyone else to be the "reason" for your last straw. When I left my A, I did so to save myself after Many years of treatments, me working the program and he not with he becoming more and more violent.
(No one, should live with violence. It took me too long to see that. It takes a woman an average of 7 attempts to leave the relationship before she finally does statiscally. I was no exception to that.)
Leaving is what I needed to do. That may not be the thing you need to do.
As poignantly mentioned, this fellowship has your back!
"Having your back" is an old idiom from my "street" days which meant that when I or one of my friends was up against it with another person or gang some one was watching their back so that no one could take them from the rear or back. I use to do that during my old street days. I could and at times would stand in as an alternate if a friend made a poor decision about who he was gonna tangle with and if that person was "over his head". Watching a person's back at times mean't that I could be the turner of odds in a fight. Usually I was armed and most often an unknown to those who might want to take advantage of the person I was watching over. I use to have my alcoholic/addict wife's back everytime we were out together and she would get drunk. It was full time work and not a whole lot of fun for me. I did get alot of exercise when I didn't plan on it. It is a protective term. I became the eyes behind her head and usually the only set of sober eyes she had. I don't need to do that anymore nor do I want to do that anymore. I don't hang with people who seem to need to that kind of support. If I hear a drunk make that remark out loud or in the open I break out laughing cause drunks are not at the top of their game.
This is my story of my husband having my back one time in 22 years of marriage I needed him and i mean to tell you I needed to lean on him more than anything. Well what happened he died.....sure he had my back....
I think it's an ego-need. It doesn't matter if you need an A or a non-A to "have your back," only a HP can completely protect or care for me, humans are not 100% reliable. I don't trust anyone that completely anymore, and I am not bitter about it, I think it was a spiritual lesson in my 26 year marriage. I had made my husband my HP. And that had to be un-done.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Great question! I used to think I believed my A could have my back. I don't believe any A can have your back. How could they? Especially if they are active drinkers. They always come first, their drink/drug of choice comes first, not us. It's such a sad reality, but true. Even if they are in recovery, I don't think they can 100% have our back. Maybe, if their recovery has been for years, but they mostly have to think of themselves. Not sure about your A, but mine is as selfish as they come. He specifically says he has to do what is right for him. Just him...not his kids, or anyone else, just what's right for him. And what is right for him, is choosing to drink, to live as far away as he can, to not think of anyone other than himself. So while he told me two weeks ago in so many words, he has my back...he no longer does anymore!
But...we can have each others backs....HP, and each of us in Al-anon....supporting each other and having each others backs :)
I believe a recovering A, working a strong program can have your back. I have seen this totally with my recovering brother and his wife. An active A or Dry Drunk absolutly not......they just dont have the skills to have anyone's back. I am sure they would like to think that they do..but that is thier ego talking. Frankly IMO and active A barely has his/her own back much less anyone elses. They are to self absorbed and self centered to even relaize you need someone to have your back at a particular time. My husband isn't an A and I believe he has my back totally, but he also doesn't work the alanon program, his support and guidance comes from church and god...so we really aren't to far apart. But when I am in crisis over our son, of course my husband will be supportive and comforting but I count on HP (whom I call god) and this program to have my back. Blessings
This is a great topic! I just had an experience with this yet the roles were reversed.
My W was yelling at my teenage son about his grades. She was going on about how much she and I sacrifice to send him to this wonderful school and he just blows it off (Yes, they've had this discussion many times). After about 5 minutes of this, he yelled back at her, "You're always the VICTIM here aren't you?"
Later that night, she got all over me for not having HER back. She believed that I should have jumped in and yelled at our son for talking to his mother that way. She believes that since I'm her husband, I should jump into any fight she chooses (and she tends to choose a lot of fights).
Maybe a little off topic here, I don't really expect her to have my back but I don't feel that I must have hers whenever she decides she needs to rage at someone.
I thought about this post a lot since I read it the first time.
I think that in a nutshell, what "having my back" means to me is just very different now than when I got here. "Having my back" before recovery was a life or death kind of obsessive thing where I wanted to be joined at the hip to my AH, wanted all the affirmation and validation he could provide and more, and wanted him to tell me I was right and do what I wanted 100% of the time. Even if he'd been able to do all those things, I don't think it would've been enough for me. I would've wanted more.
"Having my back" now means that he is supportive of my recovery and my choices, even if those things have nothing to do with him and even if he's not physically present. It means that he treats me with respect and kindness and compassion.
I think that more than anything, it is my attitude and expectations that have changed in a way where I could find peace.
