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Hi. I havent been writing on this forum for a very long time and it has been about two months since I last attended a f2f meeting.
I first joined Al-Anon because of problems with my ex-girlfriend. We started dating in 2007 while I lived in Norway and she lived in England. She was an alcoholic and I did what I could at the time to understand why she needed AA. She had been in for 5 years when I met her. To me it seemed like we had a really good relationship. We had our arguments and disagreements, but not to the extent where I felt we didnt fit together. I actually truly believed that she was the one for me. I moved to England to study marine biology in 2008, but mostly to be closer to her. The first half year I lived in England I thought we still had a solid relationship although it was a hard time because her dad ended up in hospital and died right before Christmas 2008. I was there for her as much as I could and got really close to her family in the process.
After her dad died she seemed to be more distant. She got in touch with an old ex-boyfriend (from six years earlier) and said she still had feelings for him. I was very jealous and questioned her commitment to me many times. Before the summer 2009 things started to be good again and when I went to Norway for my summer holyday I felt confident in that we would be ok, and that we were going to live together after the summer. That summer, she called me up one morning and said that she had slept with another man. I couldnt believe it. I felt completely crushed, but continued to try to convince her that she was making a mistake. She started dating this new guy that got her into using drugs, and it was clear to me that he was a bad influence on her. She would not hear of it and broke contact with me. She then called me up from the hospital a few weeks later, saying that she had taken an overdose. I felt so sorry for her, but she still defended the relationship she had with the new guy. He finally broke up with her, when she said no to have sex with him one day. He couldnt care less about her wellbeing. I cant even describe how angry this made me feel like.
When I moved back to England to continue my studies we did several attempts to just be good friends. This didnt work at all, as we often got to close and ended up sleeping with each other. She still went back to the other guy a couple of times as she did not accept that their relationship was over, and tried to convince him by having sex with him. She had a rock bottom with him November last year and broke contact with him.
She then turned to me again, and we agreed to try again. But during the winter and spring of 2010 we had many arguments. She claimed that she only dated me because she was scared of loosing me as a friend. I was constantly pushing her to commit more to me.
There was a time here when things started getting better again and we agreed to try to live together again. She found a flat and I spent a lot of money on furniture for the future home I thought we would share. As she moved in first she started questioning if she wanted to be with me again.
Her sponsor at the time questioned the healthiness of our relationship and advised us to stay apart. My ex-girlfriend broke up again in May 2009. I had then started in Al-Anon and started feeling a little bit better as time passed by. We didnt completely manage to have no contact, and I ended up helping her out with money when she couldnt pay her rent. My ex-girlfriend said that she didnt fancy me anymore, and I know she was obsessing about other men at the time. Her sponsor told her to stay away from all men at that time.
I went back to Norway for my summer holyday and did not have any contact with my ex for the first month. I then wrote an e-mail to see how she was and asking if we could be friends. Her reply shocked me. She had started dating her sponsors brother who was in jail for smuggling drugs and weapons. I tried to swallow my frustration over the whole thing and said I still wanted us to be friends. We then started speaking more and more over the Phone, and although she was sating a new guy, I enjoyed our conversations and thought it could work.
One day she called me and said she was pregnant. She broke up with her former sponsors brother as he was nothing but mean to her when he found out that she was pregnant. He tried to scare her into having an abortion, but she wouldnt have it. I spoke to her over the phone many times and did as best as I could to support her.
When I went back to England to start my third and last year at University, I ended up moving in with her. I have now lived with her for just over two months, and although we are happy most of the time it has been hard. I havent lost the feelings I had for her at all and still find it very hard that she dont want to be with me. I know it is insane of me to even suggest that because I cant prevent the fact that I will have to move back to Norway when I finish my studies in June.
I am helping her during the pregnancy and have agreed to be her birthing partner. I love being around her, but get hurt every time I get the feeling that she only want me as a friend, or when I think she has forgotten what we had together in the past.
She is going to give birth in the end of April if everything goes according to the plan. And I think that for her sake, the pregnancy is actually a blessing. She seems to be much more stable than she ever used to be before, and she takes the safety of her child very seriously.
She has also started a new step program in SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts), something that seem to really be helpful to her. She has come to the conclusion that she used to fix on men in the past. Before she met me she was with many different men both before she got sober and after. This would be one particular type of men and she now reefer to them as bad men. She says that I was the only exception.
I went with her to a psychiatric the other day. She was going to be checked up on because of her past history with depression, suicide attempts, self harming and use of drugs. While we were there, she basically laid out her own life story. But I noticed that she didnt mention me as even a part of her life, other than me being the friend that is helping her out at the moment.
She is grateful for me staying here, and say that she dont know what she would do without me, but she still dont want to hold on to me. I dont understand.
Last night she woke me up (we have been sharing a bed lately) and said she had a nightmare. She first told me about her nightmare and then started talking about her many horrible experiences with men in the past. I feel sorry for her as she has been through so much. She told me things that made me feel sick and helpless.
I then asked her about how it was to be with me. Her reply is the reason I am writing here now. She said that she didnt remember much of it. And she cant at all remember that we were dating last year. She knows we did and can remember braking up, but she has no memories of us actually spending time together. I cant describe how sad this made me feel. She fell asleep again and I started crying, thinking about what a big waste it all seems to be. What are memories worth if they only exist in my head? It didnt make it any better that she then started laughing in her sleep. I know she could not help that. I left the room and stayed up the rest of the night.
I have written a lot, but still feel I have only scratched the surface. I dont want to write too much as I fear no one will bother reading so much.
I care for my ex-girlfriend, but am worried that my own self pity over the history of all this will break out more frequent. In that case I can end up making things harder for her. I love her, and dont want to hurt her. So many people have let her down in the past. I want to be able to support her.
I know that I will have to manage to see past a lot of all this, forgive and move on. Al-Anon has helped me before and I was stupid to stop this way of thinking. Unfortunately I havent found as much support in Al-Anon here as I hoped for. The F2F meetings consist of the same people all the time. Although they have been in for as much as 16 years, they still seem to be fighting with themselves every day.
I guess I should still give the meetings a chance. After all it is good to speak to people who really understand.
You guys have also helped me so much in the past. I have to admit that I feel that I have let you and my friends at the F2F meetings down by not attending meetings and helping others.
Hope you are willing to give me a new chance as I once again find myself in a position I dont seem to cope with very well.
__________________
If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
hi cosmos, I am so sorry to hear about your story, i am new on here, and only finding my feet, but i like you, have gone for this sort of partner, what strikes me is that you keep coming back to your partner over and over, despite the fact she doesnt seem able to have a relationship, you keep trying, as if your attracted to how broken she is, or how broken your relationship is, and i too used to be like that, and couldnt see how bad this was for me.
something someone once said to me really struck home with me, and i want to share it with you, you might find this hard to understand, but try to think about it over the next few weeks/days,
"you ARE, what you attract" meaning if you attract someone who doesnt love, care, value, themselfes, then they are not going to love or car or value you either
it rang home to me immediately and I knew if I didnt love myself, care about myself, or like myself, I was going to attract that kind of partner, I was going to attract someone who didnt like, care, or value me either, so i learned to love myself and then found someone who loved me too,
It is great to see you back posting I missed you. It sounds as if you have lost a few of the powerful al anon tools you were using the last time we heard from you.
"Keep the Focus on Yourself" find some meetings in your area and begin to attend, post here and try to make on line meeting held here 2 xs a day.
I know whenever I felt alone and lonely it was a sure sign that once again I had Abandoned Myself. Start making your gratitude lists and reaching out
Hi....I come on here everytime i'm thinking of him, which is pretty much all the time. I read posts and I vent, because I have to, it hurts. It hurts so much to love an addict. I think most of us were born fixers....we think and we try to fix the people we love so much in our life. We always give them another chance no matter how many times they hurt us. Why? I really can't say. I'm a glutton for punishment....I let him hurt me over and over again, but I always want him back. Keep venting and keep talking and keep reading and somehow all of us together will make it through the day. They need to put an open chat room on here so that we can all chat live anytime we need to.
Cosmos lots of alcoholics and addicts relapse also...some over and over until they finally get it and stick. Try reading your post as if I had posted it and then decide what it looks like to you; sane or otherwise? It is truthfully said about enablers or co-depedents; that we are as sick and addicted as the alcoholic/addicts we are trying to fix. I was going thru pictures with my current wife this afternoon and low and behold there was one there of my ex-alcoholic/addict spouse holding my young daughter. I looked at the picture and remembered that I went thru 2 houses and 30 thousand dollars in just about 3 years with mostly alcohol and some drugs. I spent it or lost it all. She never got sober in our time together and not until several years after we were divorced. Soooo sad and insane.
Just my experience. I thought I'd be luckier but didn't know about alcoholism.
Welcome back! Of course we are happy you are back. Nothing to feel bad about!
It is true the A's disease uses us. The A is just doing what they do.
Reading your share, long or longer is just fine! I was amazed how much you have given of yourself in a very one sided situation.
I would ask myself,"What am I receiving in this relationship? What do you want from it?
I liked what Jerry said, read your post as if it was written by someone else. You may see the patterns we see.
You may be being loyal to a very sick person, but what is it doing to you? Where are you taking care of you, taking care of your own desires and dreams?
You sound young, where is the joy in your life? You sound like you are into such wonderful things in your studies! What would make you want to give that up for someone who does not have the ability to love you or anyone at this point?
When is she a friend to you?
This is NOT judgement, only questions I asked myself about6 ex AH when I finally got well.
We get so involved, we forget that there is life with commitments kept, love that is healthy and not one sided. Relationships where it is not hard all the time, just natural tiffs and misunderstandings.
Life does not have to be dark and full of upheaval. I was constantly amazed how calm my life became over time. I healed from all the pain. It is their disease not ours, it is up to them to figure it out.
We do them no favors by allowing their illness to control us. Makes them sicker.As long as we "take care of them" they will not take care of themselvse.
Sounds like she is making steps with therapy. For her to do this jouney without the pressures of a relationship would make it possible to have a better outcome.
As you shared, even her sponsor suggested no relationships at this time.
We cannot fight for them, anymore than anyone can fight for us, our health.
I am so glad you shared here. I hope the response helps you. Hoping you keep coming back.
I am glad I shared, and I can say that just this make me feel less alone than before I did.
I tried to do what Jerry suggested, to read through my own story, imagining it was someone else. It's not easy, but just from what I read I feel I am reading the story of someone that is truly lost. I can also see that the ex-girlfriend of that person seems like a person that is either extremely selfish and immature or not well at all.
This is how it seem to me, but returning to my own head I know there is so much more to it. The way I know my ex-girlfriend. And even though she say she have a bad memory when it comes to her past with me, she trust me more than anyone else. She can come across as a bit nervous and strange to other people, but with me she is able to relax. I too feel much of the same. I never have to pretend or act in a special way around her. Everything just comes naturally. This is when I am not panicky about loosing that closeness.
Most of the time I take it for granted that she is close to me while I live here. We are both trying to avoid thinking about the day I have to move to Norway. She sometimes seem resentful about me going to Norway after my studies, but I don't have a choice. My loan is too big to handle if I would stay in England, and I would not stay just because I hope we might get together again.
She does not say it is impossible that she would once want to be with me. She still say she have feelings for me, but don't have time to figure out what it means. She has always been obsessed by the high you get from being with someone new. I think that is something we all feel in the beginning of a relationship, but as the first mind-altering extreme feelings wears off, we see our partner for who they really are. I believe this is where people can experience real love.
The thought of "falling in love" with someone new scares me. I hate what that period does to me. It feels good, but I forget about everything else in my life that is important. Like my brain capacity drops drastically during the process... We say "falling" in love... Falling is not something good...
My ex-girlfriend has been seeking this first extreme feelings all her life, which is explained in the SLAA as some kind of never-ending chase for a type of love that goes out of date really quickly. Sex and attraction to new potential partners that seems exciting because they represent the unknown becomes like a drug. My ex-girlfriend have recently started believing she is like this and want to change.
My ex girlfriend say there is not enough time for us to get together. She don't want to be in a relationship now, and if she did, she would want to be with someone that could be around and help her with her baby. I truly wish it was my baby. I feel love towards the baby anyway, something that is undoubtedly going to be enhanced as I am going to take part in birthing classes and the actual birth.
I am struggling with my studies, but my ex-girlfriend seldom interrupt me while I'm reading or working, so I am not going to blame that on her... I do enjoy what I study, but are not on top off things at the moment. I can not blame anyone for this but myself. And only I with the help of my HP can do something about this.
I am not as young as you might think either. I am 29 and my ex-girlfriend is 34. I am thinking of her as my last chance of something... I am not sure what. I have no doubt that I could find someone back in Norway and be happy, but I don't think I will ever love anyone the way I love my ex-girlfriend. It sounds like a cliché, I know, but I imagine a new relationship now to be less turbulent.
Me and my ex girlfriend where like teenagers in the beginning. I think this came from the way she was. Her mood swings and extreme happiness when she was happy made me feel alive. I was already "grown up" when I met her. I was calm and sensible. Life was good, but without any big ups or downs. I was sad that I never made it last with one of my first two girlfriends as I would like to grow old with someone I would have a long history with. I thought I would never get a chance of this again. When I met this half crazy girl from England, which despite being five years older than me, looked five years younger than me, I got something that changed everything.
I have so many strong memories of her. The last three and a half year since I met her have felt like a much longer time than the five previous ones. Longer because of the memories. From I was about 20 to the age of 26 I don't think very much can have happened in my life. I know where I was, but have few memories that stick out. Since then I have gained tons of strong impressions. Although many of these have been hard and almost pushed me over the edge of what I can take, I would not chose to be without them.
I guess it makes sense now, why it hurt me so much to hear that my ex-girlfriend don't remember much.
Without her... I mean completely without her in my life... I fear that I will fall back and be more like I used to be before I met her. Alternatively that I meet a new girl in a few years time that is stable from the beginning, which only scares me because I can't imagine it I guess...
I am not completely lost... I have a family in Norway that do love me. The support have been great from them during my studies (sometimes too much). Unfortunately I have no long term friends back home. I have made some good friends here in UK... It will be hard the day I move back. It will mean the loss of not only my ex-girlfriend again, but also my friends... I have never managed to stay in touch with old friends as we move in different directions.
I will make new friends though... I don't know the future. If I only could accept that, maybe I would stop projecting into it..
Thank you again for your support. I think it helps me to get things out here as my thoughts come to me. I have turned off absolutely all filters in my sharing here, so you can see exactly what is going on in my head. I might read it again tomorrow as well. It was very strange reading what I read yesterday, trying to see things in a different perspective...
(((Love too all of you)))
__________________
If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
