The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week I was told I was "the love of my life and I'm not going anywhere" by my A......tonight, because of all the hell he's put my kids and I through and because I'm using a liason to speak through to him, he sent a nasty email full of pure hatred towards me. Amazing how they go from love to hate in an instant. I didn't do anything....Hes the one that drank and disappeared!
I'm to blame for everything and he has nothing(literally) He left me everything in the divorce...because he told me that he knew we'd be back together some day....we were!! But he chose to drink again! ....and while I can feel so sad for all this, I'm not going to right now. Why? Because I know its the game of the alcoholic. He has nothing right now and he's backed into a corner and he's doing the blame game. He doesn't have a problem, it's all me..It's my fault that he came back into our lives and I took him back.....I forced him to stay with us and work on our family and forced him to tell me he loved me, and then I forced him to drink, wreck havoc on our lives, on his body and then asked him to leave us without a word. Yep...it's all my fault today, yesterday it was someone else's fault. I talked with a recovering A friend of ours tonight and he helped me see this for exactly what it is...so that I wouldn't react or respond. I'll just sit back and let him stew in the pot of sh*t he's cooked for himself.
Oh sweetie, I have been the giver and receiver of that behavior and it just stinks. Being in the middle of it stinks! I am so sorry this is happening to you right now. I know the pain it brings.
I am so proud of you though. When I was treated like that I would grab the nearest metaphorical 2x4 and hit back with all my might. I REALLY needed to be here. You are keeping your calm and taking care of you - with compassion and understanding - and yes saddness and anger and everything else that goes along with it . . . but you are being very graceful.
Great job.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Oh how I identify with this. I am so wonderful sometimes according to my A and then in 'the blink of an eye' - well really the bottom of a bottle I become the most despised and hated person on earth responsible for all his woes and problems. Yesterday when I came home from work he had been drinking and reeked of booze and could hardly stand. He goes in and out of recovery more than most people have hot dinners!
Yesterday I was full of rage and anger, and I reacted. We of course had a blazing row with all the old accusations and rubbish hurled in - its tiresome.
I sat and read my al-anon books just to remind myself of his sickness and the games alcoholics play but also to remind me of my sickness because initially I was enjoying my anger - indulging in glorious self-righteousness and that had to stop - "Let it begin with me" so true - I calmed as the evening drew on and I had long conversations with my HP. I know I am a loveable person and so is he - it is good to remind myself that this is a family disease and having been touched by it I must focus on my recovery above all else and act with compassion.
Today I feel calm and look forward to my local meeting tomorrow. He is of course not speaking and has locked himself in the spare bedroom, if he has booze in there is not my business or problem. It is a lovely sunny day today and I am glorying in the love of my HP in giving me so much beauty in the world - I am not going to beat myself up for being angry yesterday because I am human and therefore full of joy and beauty but also I have defects and I must accept the long road of recovery in the knowledge that my HP will never give me more than I can handle in this day and just for today that is the peace and quiet that I can enjoy as I have today off from work and it is down to me to enjoy it,
So glad your here and that you have joined our family of MIP.
I read your post a few times and cant help but feel the anger coming from your life.
I understand, Ive been there. This disease is frustrating. One thing that will help you to feel better is not to worry about how all of this makes him feel . I dont think Alcoholics ever stew in their own pot, or think about consequences. Their thought process is defective.
Unfortunately we are the ones left to deal with the reality of this disease and I know sometimes we feel that we are the only ones changing and why does it stay the same for them and why do they get to check out of daily life. When in reality, we are the ones growing and will step out of this empowering our own lives. When we realize its not about them, but about us and our growth, things will feel immensely better. Keep coming back!
