The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So these past few weeks have just seemed to drag on and on. I am completely stressed out because I have to withdraw from a couple of my classes because I missed so much school from my pneumonia and my car accident. It's a horrible feeling. My dad payed for this semester and had faith that I would get good grades as I usually do. Now $3,000 are going down the toilet and I am getting no credit for those two classes. Oh ya, and school ends in a week and a half. I was almost done!! It's just really frustrating. I was very much willing to bust my butt making up the work but some of my teachers said it would be better for me to just withdraw and not get credit for the classes I've been taking for the past four months. Ug. Anyway, aside from living with my father's disappointment, I really miss my ex A. I keep hearing songs on the radio that he would always say "Babe! This is our jam!" He was so cheezy and stupid and dorky and that's why I loved him. This is just really hard being without him. I'm doing better than I expected and sometimes I can go hours without thinking about him, but as soon as my crazy busy day comes to a lull, I fall back into reminicing about the "good times". I just miss him a lot. I'm still not going to contact him though. I need to stay strong for me and for him. He needs this time to find himself, to figure out what he wants in life, and to heal. And so do I. Well not everything is terrible. I have an interview for a job tomorrow and I really need to get it. I have not worked for almost a year now and I'm choking from the lack of income. My parents are kind enough to let me stay here (I am only 20 after all), but being out on your own and being free, then coming back home is one of the hardest and annoying things in the world. Sorry I sound really complainy. I'm just frustrated and lonely. I really am grateful for everything I have. I just wish it was possible for me to have him. Anyway, thanks for reading.
We completely understand. It is very good that both of you grow and heal individually and then decide what the future looks like from a more healthy place.
My exA and I did it - and though it didn't work out - it didn't work with peace and harmony. We had both changed and so did the way we interacted. It was MUCH healthier. It just didn't work out . . . and that's ok. But we weren't devasted after a toxic relationship . . . which was something new for us.
I am so sorry to hear about school. Perhaps they will waive the tuition once they hear the circumstances? That is a lot of $$ for 2 classes!!!
Thumbs up on the job interview. I have faith in you and will be sending good thoughts your way tomorrow.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I understand totally....I always remember the good times and set the bad aside. Everynight I dream of him and then I wake up to the reality that he is not here and I have to go over the pain all over again. If i could just stay in a support group 24 hours a day for an entire year, then I think I'd be good to go on without any pain everyday. It's hard hearing songs, they tear you apart....i wish this was easy for any of us, but i guess if it was, we wouldn't be on here would we? :(
You have certainly been through some trying times lately for sure. i would like to second the suggestion that you speak with the school administrators in regards to your missing school because of your illness. They may not refund your money completly but they may have options that you don't know about so it can't hurt to give it a try. You speak of your father's disappointment and I am not sure it is because you were unable to complete your classes or that you had chosen an A for a boyfriend. Speaking as a parent I can assure you of this... when we get disappointed with our children ( and it happens to everyone) the truth is we are more disappointed in ourselves and our parenting skills...I speak from experience here. And eben when I have been disappointed with my children it doesn't last long because we love our children more than life it's self, uncondtionally. Parents just think in thier minds that somewhere we dropped the ball. believe me, my son is my A. Was i disappointed...you bet but that emotion was replaced with anger, fear etc. It took me until I was truly educated on this disease to understand my son. And now while I do not like, condone or enable his addiction he is still my loving child that I get a glimpse of now and again and there is nothing on this earth that would ever make me stop loving him. Disapointment is a part of life...thier are people who will disapoint you and at times you will disappoint others...thats just life. I understand how much you miss your exbf. I don't expect those feelings will go away soon. UGH and I hate to say it because it sounds as though I am trivializing your feelings and I am absolutly not. You are in love, no question and you are hurting. At your age I found the love of my life, head over heels crazy in love. He was an A but had not idea what that meant like you do. For him one day I was the lvoe of his life the next I was the enemy..it was a chaotic, toxic relationship. I did everything i could think of to make him happy, show him he couldn't live without me ya know. And after 3 years he dumped me, had found someone else gotten her pregnant ( i had no clue he was cheating). He broke my heart in a million pieces that I was sure I could never put back together again. I was broken and lost....all our friends took his side except one so i had no support, My family hated him so no getting comfort from them. After I composed myself I decided no relationships for me for at least 1 yr, Oh I dated but would never let anyone get to close. I threw myself into school. And wouldnt ya know towards the end of that year timeline I had given myself HP put my husband into my life. He wasn't looking for a relationship, neither was I so it seemed perfect. Thing was we fell in love. He couldnt have been nore opposite than my exbf. He had just come out of a bad relationship so we started out as being a support person for each other. But once we fell in love all the rest fell into place. We have been happily married almost 30 yrs now. SO I understand and feel your pain, but I also know you have your whole life ahead of you. As much as you are hurting now it will lessen with time and when the time is right HP will put you together with who you are supposed to be with. And who knows it may be your exbf he too is young and has the ability to turn his life around too. I know for me had I married that first "love of my life" I would have been completly miserable, I can look back now and see that our relationship was so toxic it would not have ended well. The best thing he ever did for me was dump me. I know that all sounds very "parental" and it is, as a parent i just can't help it. You have got to have faith that HP has a plan for you and you need to listen and watch for the path HP wants you on I wish you the best Blessings
