The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am angry with my wife. Even though she has been going to AA regularly, even though she has apparently been sober for close to a month...I'm just really mad about what has happened and where we are currently at in our relationship. I don't want to be so angry, I want to be sympathetic because I know she is suffering and she has a disease. But I can't seem to do it.
I know the basics...detach...focus on me...don't project...But I can't stop being angry.
Take responsibility for your part in the relationship you had choices all along and if your like most of us you did nothing about it just let it happen , there are always two sides to a relationship regardless of why we didnt do anything or we enabled , we do have a part in the mess we helped create. When I accepted my part in the mess and had understanding of this disease I was more angry at myself than anyone , they were only doin what alcoholics do what in hell was my excuse ???
I totally understand what you are saying. I am also angry with my AH who was sober for 6 months, recently relapsed and is now sober 5 days. There is no way that I can detach with love right now. I just have to detach. I actually make it through somedays pretending he isn't around so that I don't spend the whole day angry with him.
I thought things would be better when he got sober but....
things are just different and wierd
members of my al-anon meeting say that things always get different and wierd before they get better.
I am taking responsibility for my part in our relationship and it still makes me mad.. both at myself and at him!
Before I found Alanon, I was so angry, frustrated, and bitter at what my life had become. After much soul searching and studying of myself, I have learned that a lot of what happended to me, happened because I allowed it. Then, I had to try and figure out why I allowed it and start working on myself from there. Some things that I have learned are: Forgive.... it frees YOUR soul. Resentments only hurt YOU. Give respect and you get respect. Positive thinking, promotes positive thinking. These are just a few... Work on YOUR recovery and let your wife work on hers. Life is a journey and can be beautiful on many levels. Peace to you and yours...
Would you be angry if she had a brain disease? Which she does. Or if she acted crazy becuz of hypoglycemia from diabetes?
When I finally believed that addiction is a horrible disease, NO ONE choosed to have. Anger was and is gone.
Even now it is the product of his being an addict that I am fighting not to be homeless.
If they chose to do what they do, yes anger would make sense. But for me it makes no sense to be angry at him when he is so very sick, and will be all his life.
I guess I look at this a little bit differently. In my own recovery, I have had to accept that it's OK to be angry. My feelings of anger are valid. But the anger serves no purpose but to poison me if I cannot learn from my anger, and understand it. I have done a lot of soul searching about why I am angry, and what/who I am really angry with. Oftentimes I think our anger is a mask for another, deeper emotion. Perhaps embarrassment, fear, frustration, sadness...
I am working on not having expectations, so that I avoid the resentment that comes along with unmet expectations. But yeah, there are definitely times when I'm mad as hell about what's going on. Upon deeper reflection, I have identified that my anger is really anger with myself for choices I've made, and anger at the universe/my HP for the situation. Now THAT is anger I know how to handle...I work on forgiving myself and treating myself with kindness, and I work on accepting that my HP will not give me more than I can handle, and that the universe/my HP is not responsible for this situation. It just is what it is.
The one area where I still struggle with a lot of anger at my AH is with respect to the kids. It makes me very angry that, at times, he has not been emotionally present the way they deserve. For some reason, it is harder for me to see him as "sick sick sick" when it comes to the kids.
For me, when I first got here, I was so angry I was spitting nails. It wasn't good, wasn't good for me, but it was what it was. I had every right to be angry, people should not be treated how I was treated. They are my feelings and you can't always just turn them off (in fact I fail at that 100%). It was a process, getting over the anger. I had to learn about it. I had to own it and come to truly accept that the only person it was hurting was me. Anger is a natural human response. I want to learn more about how to process and communicate my anger and that of others, but I have no illusions that I will never get angry again.
I find that when I fight and do not accept my feelings - I feel worse and pile guilt on top of everything. Feel what you feel. It is what you DO with it that matters.
Coming here and working through it, listening to others' ESH, and focusing on myself and my behavior - my part in it - is important. My actions around my anger determine how healthy I am. How long I hold onto that anger/resentment determines how healthy I am.
Somedays are better than others. Sometimes even now, a couple of years later and no contact - resentment bubbles (as my sponsor called them) pop up. As he also pointed out, you can watch them come up and float away.
Progress not perfection.
tlc
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I had to look at it that my A's intention was not to hurt me. The disease caused irrational thinking and in turn the same types of behaviors. I didn't have to stay angry because it hurt me being so angry all the time. I had to learn that my anger didn't change or better the situation or myself.
I believe my A did not get up in the morning thinking of ways to hurt me. Just the opposite. I was hurt anyways but only I can heal my anger as well as pain and my goal is just that today.
Its hard. I too am angry. Lying. Man I hate lying and that is a bi-product of the disease. That makes me more angry than anything. Angry at having to deal with it all the time. More frustration than anger really. Will she ever get better? Anger is part of the fear too. Tough times. Keep working the program. I am trying too.
Very understandable that you are angry and I ID with this. All I can say is the longer you work the program the anger slowly fades....it has for me. Am I happy with my wife? No. Am I satisfied with the relationship, my choices of a partner, the debt I let happen, the struggles my daughter endures? No to all of that. Some days it does anger me. But somehow I've moved into problem-solving mode and away from anger for the most part. It will come.
In my opinion, feeling anger is very normal and very common at the beginning of recovery. For a long time, most of us completely repressed anger ... at least most of the time, until we couldn't repress it anymore and it had a blowout - and then went right back to repressing it.
It does help to recognize and believe that there are two people in every relationship, and if things are sideways, both people have contributed. Finding your own part in the situation, deciding what you may want to change about your own actions, and then taking the steps necessary to bring about that change put the focus on something other than the other person. it was hard for me initially to do this because I felt like my anger was so justified. My exAH was a jerk...he told me on many occasions that he'd be home for dinner and then either showed up in the middle of the night or not at all. During one such incident, he cheated on me. I was furious by the time I filed for divorce at the years of lying! HOWEVER, in my recovery, I recognize my part in the things that happened. I stayed there despite the stuff that kept happening over and over. I gave ultimatum after ultimatum ("get honest or get out"), but I never followed through. I never set boundaries. I chose, over and over, to believe the words coming out of his mouth when he apologized, despite the fact that there were no actions to back up the words. I could've chosen to leave years before I did, but I didn't make that choice. So the entire situation was not his fault.
My sponsor tells me that if I'm angry, I need to get busy digging in hard to my own recovery. When I get busy, I get better.
The serenity prayer helps - "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...the courage to change the things I can...and the wisdom to know the difference."
Understandable. I've been there and still go there but because of program I don't allow myself to stay there very long. Life is short and if I allow myself to be consumed by my wife's disease then I lose, I lose my serenity. I lose my peace of mind. But more important I allow the disease to win.....and I hate losing.
If I think back it was a process, a long process. My part in the disease was allowing myself to continually be effected by the disease. It was easier and only natural to feel that way.....to be angry. Over time I came to realize I was angry at something I had no control over. I was letting the disease play mind games with me. I didn't like myself and what I had become. I got tired of going to pity parties by myself. I had to change my thinking. I had to quit feeling sorry for myself. If I was going to stay in this marriage I had to find out how to be happy whether the alcoholic in my life was drinking or not. I owed that to myself and my wife. What had to change was me and my way of thinking. At my first meeting I was told to always take care of myself first. Simple words but I didn't have a clue, they were only words.
The process I referred to is my program. My wife is going to do what she is going to do. I have no control over her drinking or her actions. I do have control over how I let her drinking and actions effect me and my serenity. I have mentioned many times before that I turned my wife over to my Higher Power almost two years ago, and got completely out of their way. Not my problem. I'm my problem. Keeping my side of the street clean is a full time job.
Now when I slip and allow my old ways of thinking to creep in on occasion.......those words......."Always Take Care of Yourself First" are not just words anymore.........
I've noticed that when I'm depressed, I feel the anger more keenly. When my life is going pretty well, the anger recedes. The trouble with the anger is that it sucks me into brooding on the relationship and everything that went wrong. And so then I don't work on the other parts of my life, which means I feel angrier, which means I don't work on the other parts of my life, and down and down. It's so hard to step out of the cycle, but when I manage it, things feel a lot better. I tell myself "Do the next right thing" a lot.
Depressed or Tired, I often get tired because I travel in my job, days away from my home and time zone changes, nights out of bed - its hard to be 'balanced' when you are deprived of sleep!
When I am rested, when I focus on me the anger recedes - the problem is that my A will always pick a fight when I am tired - and at that point my defences are at their lowest and I react - once rested I can see the madness of what I have let happen.
This is a process and I still have a lot to learn but I know that I too am having trouble detaching with love at the moment, however much I know this is a disease, my mind keeps yelling 'Enough' and I hate the feeling of having lost my cool yet again.
I still practice some of the old lessons given to me by former sponsors. They still work...so I still work them. Anger of course and I can and have a dial on that where I can and also have turned it up to full stages of rage. It is not healthy and doesn't feel good...emotional recovery work.
One of my sponsors asked me if I liked feeling "negative emotions" like anger and of course I replied "No...I hate it!!" The solution he gave me was very very simple. "If you don't like what you're getting...do the opposite!" I got back into his classroom to study opposites and some of them are... The opposite of anger is acceptance...when I accept the fact of something...just that it is or has taken place and I am powerless I find peace. I do this without the judgements or moralizing or false pride and ego I use when I am in anger. I found that often times when I was in anger it wasn't only about what triggered me that time but also all of the past resentments I carried around with me where ever I went. My alcoholic was made to pay for stuff she wasn't even present for and before I met her.
The opposite of resentent is forgiveness. If I don't forgive I stay sick on the mental, emotional and spiritual levels and those are pretty well connect to my physical level also.
The opposite of frustration is patience. I love the stillness and the wait before responding is sooo much more peaceful than reacting. "Don't react" is right at the top of my slogan list. "When in doubt don't" is right along side of it. When I am frustrated often times it is (for me) because I am anxious and out of solutions or the solution.
The opposite of blame and judgement is empathy and compassion "feeling with" and "feeling for" it puts me in the alcoholic's shoes without denial, "But for the grace of God go I...for the moment. In other moments I have been there, done that, also.
The biggie for me is Fear....my insanity tap root...(F)alse (E)vidence (A)ppearing (R)eal...the evidence is only made up in my head and based on that I give my entire spiritual condition away. The opposite of Fear for me is Love. What I love I cannot fear and what I fear I do not love.
This is a great thread...very necessary...very helpful for me. ((((hugs)))).
Jerry, your response was really good & helpful. But to be honest as I read it I just kept thinking "But I don't want to"...I don't want to accept, I want to feel that everything she has done is unacceptable...I don't want to forgive...not until I get my sincere, genuine apology...I don't want to be patient anymore...I've been patient since the day we got married...I don't want to be compassionate and I DO want to judge...
I know all that I wrote is wrong and I know that I can't feel that way...but I can't get past it. I need to keep trying.
My parents were alcoholics, I know I am carrying all of that with me in this situation. And I know it is driving my feelings and actions. And I know that I need to deal with it.
The way I understand it, acceptance doesn't mean saying it's all right. It means saying "It is what it is." My A cannot leave up to my hopes while he's drinking. He doesn't want to stop drinking. This is painful to me and I hate it. Each of these things is what it is. Whether I keep him in the picture or not, it helps me to look facts square in the face. It's when I start having expectations that I have resentments.
I found the alcoholics/addicts don't need sympathy. They need empathy & compassion for the pain they are in. Of course you are in pain too and need to lean compassion for yourself. I have found that they only thing that works for me when I am filled with rage and anger is prayer. It may sound silly, but I make up a mantra in my head for whatever I am feeling and I pray for HP to release me of those feelings and replsce them with love and compassion. When I first started doing this it sometimes took hours before HP would respond to my request and I would feel so much better. Now I can catch myself a lot quicker when I feel I am slipping and I start that mantra right away in my head. HP has never let me down yet Blessings
I understand the part about carrying anger from growing up in alcoholism. I, too, grew up in an alcoholic home. I just recently was able to let go of some of that anger - took 2.5 years in the program for me to even realize that the anger and resentment was still there.
YOU HAVE MANY WONDERFUL SUGGESTIONS HERE AND I KNOW YOU UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF IMPLEMENTING THEM I JUST WANTED TO ADD THAT I UNDERSTAND THAT VOICE THAT SHOUTS: I DO NOT WANT TO!!!!
MY SPONSER SUGGESTED THAT THIS WAS MY WILL. I COULD USE THE 3 RD STEP OVER AND OVER AND ASK HP TO FOR THE WILLINGNESS.
IT WORKED!!!! BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF IT IS A GENTLE PROGAM AND YOU ARE MAKING PROGRESS.
