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Talked with my dad tonight for the first time since my husband's horrendous behavior on Thanksgiving. For all his talk of how I have nothing to apologize for, he basically berated me for what my husband did. On the other end, my husband came home feeling sorry for himself again for how hard his life is, dealing with his recovery in day 5 and self pity for how he has ruined "everything." Naturally my conversation with my father left me zero tolerance for AH's woe is me attitude.
I read something today about enabling behaviors in recovery, that having sympathy for the self pitying behaviors was not the way to go. Is that true? Because I feel like I'm being hard hearted when I ignore that. But maybe it really is better for him if I don't indulge that and stroke his ego.
I don't know how or what you want to express to your husband. When I remember to not let myself feel responsible for anyone elses feelings (meaning I don't feel bad because they feel bad or I don't try to "fix" it for them). I have more peace. Especially in the case of your Dad this would be very hard but just because he feels unhappy because of your husband's behavior.. Your not responsible for Dad's feelings or husbands behavior... You can practice saying some version of " I am so sorry you feel that way, and I care.... and then try to focus on things you do have control over or what you can do about you and try to let the rest just be what it is. Easier said than done.. but I hope it helps some.... (((((hugs)))))))
"I read something today about enabling behaviors in recovery, that having sympathy for the self pitying behaviors was not the way to go." Boy isn't that a piece of real wisdom. for me it's true and an available practice when I get an invitation to keep the martyr tied to the cross standing on that hill of branches with a torch in their hand.
Better a hug, pat on the back and a smile just before you walk away to take care of your own life. Tell Dad that you have this experience with 3c's and let him have his own blame and shame drama without you in the audience. Maybe the meeting schedule for Al-Anon face to face meetings might help also.
Keep one for yourself and go regularly. ((((hugs))))
Thank you for posting this, this is something I have to remember and work very hard on. Sometimes I feel like if they aren't upset by their past actions I have to remind them because I want to see them upset and sorry over them. That is VERY sick of me and something I have to really really dig deep down and try to remove and not do. It's not healthy for me or anyone else for that matter! Thank you!
My dad is a huge trigger for me. I am always worried that I am going to hurt his feelings if I don't go over when asked or meet up with him and his wife somewhere. I have found that when he calls and has all this advice or words that just make me feel worse, it is better if I call my sponsor right away after, or come on this board and read stuff.
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
For me, it's true that having sympathy for self-pitying behavior is not the way to go. For me, I have to let the other person own their self pity. It's their emotion, and I don't need to act sympathetic if I don't feel such. The other person is capable of handling their own feelings.
Same thing goes for blame - even if someone blames me for something that is not my fault, I a) don't have to accept the blame, but b) can speak up and cut the conversation short - just a polite statement that I will not accept blame for someone else's actions, and that I am going to change the subject or hang up the phone because I am finished talking/listening about it.
Sometimes I feel like if they aren't upset by their past actions I have to remind them because I want to see them upset and sorry over them. That is VERY sick of me and something I have to really really dig deep down and try to remove and not do. It's not healthy for me or anyone else for that matter! Thank you!
Oh, I can so relate to this. I'm glad that you recognize it. Personally, I am thinking of asking my BF to move out so he can suffer without me and come to his senses! How sick is that? I realize it's all about revenge, and I don't want to be that person. But these are the types of things that cross my mind. Once you admit your real motives, it's easier to let those thoughts go and don't act on them.
What works for me is when I keep to my side of the street and let my exHA keep to his. I no longer want to take on his feelings for him.
I get sick when I get upset for something my exHA owns, it seems to excuse him from feeling and owning it. Then, I am left with all the bad feelings and the problem that is not mine.
At times I may feel sorry for him, but I now know he has choices and a HP to look after him. I like to think that this is having compassion. Recognizing he is sick and his behaviors are sick also lends compassion.
To be healthy, I need to keep the focus on me by looking after me and building my relationship with my HP.
I have told my exHA's family that I am not responsible for how he behaves when they have blamed me. When they repeat his lies as their justification, I tell them it's ridiculous, but they can believe that if they want to. I think deep down some of his family knows the truth.
They, believe me do not listen to that bolony! GET off your pity pot! You are full of crap, Get it together.
Don't come crying, grow up. They are NOT into sympathy or babying EVER. The A does not need to be babied!
Their disease is their own. We do them a diservice, listening, patting them, helping them when they are sick. We help the disease when we do this.
They need to FIGHT and be strong, get some motivation together and NOT want to act that stupid again.
I got to where I might say it is hard to be an addict. Leave it at that. I want them to know I care about their condition but you know what it is NOT mine. Only they can take care of it. And they have to be ready too.
I have never been blamed like that. But his mother tried it, is I told her I did not make him that way, I do not duct tape him and put a funnel in his mouth or needle in his arm. NOT my problem.
If my family had said to me what he did to you, I would have immediately said, "wait a minute, I can only control me, if you want to talk to someone talk to A." that is that.
I would be the one to baby believe me, thinking love will be the answer. Now I know it is love with truth, and NO babying or reassurance.
I come from a dysfunctional family too. They like to triangulate relationships.
I learned that behavior too. And in recovery, I had to unlearn it.
Take yourself out of the middle. Dad should've asked to speak directly to your husband, the real person responsible for Dad's discomfort and dis-ease. But it sounds like poor Dad doesnt' know anything about powerlessness. (For every alcoholic, there are MANY people affected... the rooms of al-anon should be over-flowing!)
For me, I have to stick with my Recovery Family. My Family of Origin is a lot like me, and I'm not going to recover with that kind of thinking. ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 1st of December 2010 03:23:21 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Interesting, I meant not listening to my husband's self pity but you all are so right about not listening to my DAD's either. I had not even considered not listening to him. But I don't have to, do I? :)
Do you think you should listen to someone who suggests to you that you have the power to control him? Has that worked in the past? If you're like me, you've tried it.
I have no trouble understanding my powerlessness. But I don't always like it.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
