The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"...as a family you must learn to cope with difficulties. So:
1) Try to remember that you're all on the same team. Don't take your frustrations out on your loved ones. Too often, home is where we go when we're tired of being 'nice.'
2) Before you speak, get the facts. Nothing's more damaging than jumping to conclusions. . Think on this ...opening your mouth can ruin everything'
3) Handle it with wisdom. List all your options and you'll be more objective. That's how you'd handle a problem at work; why not do the same with your family?
4) Find something good in the situation. Scott Peck writes, 'It's only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. It's through the pain of confronting them that we learn.' No matter how bad things seem, every situation holds something positive-look for it.
5) Make sure they know you love them. It's okay to express how you feel so long as you do it graciously. But make sure your family knows you love them. When people feel loved they can weather almost any crisis. Think: when do you need God's love most? When you deserve it least! Try to follow suit. "
Why...because I have just come through I huge family dispute that I was NOT even a part of or aware of until a couple of days after my eldest grand-daughter arrived at mine when her father dropped her off to stay for ...I did not know how long. ???? No warning, no asking, no communication from adults who should have known better but thought they could have their daughter stay with me with talking and eventurally getting to a place where she could not hold it together any longer. And I still only got a small piece of the whole...even she would not tell me the whole of what had been going on and why she now appeared to have been thrown out and made homeless.
Boy Oh boy! Little was I to know what problems had been heaped upon my doorstep.
And, tonight after two days of tears and hurt and arguments between my daughter and her daughter, I had to step in and tell my daughter some home truths in order for her to start thinking about her 16 year old daughter's need to go home.
And what did I get for it. My daughter's total wrath and ungratefulness and abuse...but hey, I was the winner for I got her to focus her anger on me long enough for her to focus on her daughter's needs and my grand-daughter as we speak should be arriving home. And what happened, my daughter blamed me and began to bully me...what's new...I let it go over my head and simply dealt with facts, truth and no blame or judgement or anger anywhere in sight from me.
The pain, the anxiety, the fear and the trembling that has been felt with me is crushing and not a word of thanks has been spoken. But hey, what's new?
MY RESPONSE...letting go again and picking myself up and concentrating on me and my health and the need to rest up before I go for further tests. My doctor rang today to tell me that I needed to get myself down to the surgery as they had picked up a kidney malfunction and that my bloodtests showed alarming abnormalities and my blood pressure was too high.
MY RESPONSE...not surprised, I will come down once I get my grand-daughter safely home and I will trust in the God who is greater and more powerful than me until then. No wonder my blood pressure is high. Yours would be if you had just fought world war 3 in your own frontroom defending the innocent and the powerless over a bully of a mother and a self-centred partner in order to get them to stop thinking of themselves and listen to a 16 year olds concerns and perceptions.
More to this than I can write. But I know the outcome has been good for them, even though it may not have been altogether beneficial to me.
Now I need prayers that my serenity and trust will be fully restored for me to face my doctor's meeting next week, and that I can find some healthy and wholesome sleep in between.
Still growing, still in recovery, still working the programme even when I need to break it down to one hour at a time.
Thank you for reading so far.
God Bless you all with love, Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Oh my dear! I will keep you in my prayers. I sure hope your physical self gets help and you feel better!
High BP is a battle. I am glad you are taking care of you!
I was battling it so hard I kicked Effexor when I found out it causes hi bp. I only eat whole stuff and not much sugar at all. Very low to no fat. To be honest I don't eat much at all. It has made a HUGE difference.
You have made so much progress. I know how horribly hard it is to have your kids be such turkeys.
I finally heard from my son who missed me as much as I missed him. Found out, sadly, he said mom you were right, his wife is an A. He filed for divorce last week. So no wonder he was so unhappy.
We just cannot escape the pain our own kids can give us. Or how we allow them to upset us?
I don't know, all I know is you are sure being put upon! PLEASE get right back to us when you find out what is going on! love you sis,debilyn
Back to loving you as you have attempted to love them...Put in as much effort at that as you did for them and things should come to a balance for you. Prayers of course. Time to sleep for me which means a vertical conversation with HP before closing my peepers. ((((hugs))))
That child had been away from home for the last three weeks and it took a long time to get her to really talk. I did not push it. I was simply there for her and loving her and leading her.
When her and her stepdad left very late last night in atrocious snowy weather conditions they faced a 4 to 5 hour journey...if lucky and the roads were clear. I asked that they text me ONCE they were at journey's end to let me know they had arrived safely.
More than twelve hours later I have recieved no text and no replies to the two three I have sent. One to my grand-daughter, one to her step-dad, and one to her mother.
I have served my purpose once again it would seem. So, I live with this ... no news is good news and I do not worry until I have definite knowledge that there IS something to worry about.
I stayed up 'til two thirty this morning waiting to hear and decided that no one was going to be courteous and text me and I made my way to bed with a very heavy heart.
No way am I going to allow myself to think I have done wrong here. No way am I going to allow myself to be persecuted and blamed. I am going to stand tall.
I did my best for them all and there is no gratitude. That is what hurts.
Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah on Wednesday 1st of December 2010 04:36:13 AM
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
You show great strength of character. I'm very impressed with how you handled the situation. People can be cruel and disrespectful. It hurts when we are not treated well. You handled the situation and got your granddaughter home where she belongs. It matters that our loved ones are safe. As far as the text goes, at least they know that you care about their well being. Some people don't have good manners and we will never change them. So... I hope your medical problems are resolved and you can put that behind you. You show tremendous growth in this program. Peace to you.
Dear Suzannah, I never got any thanks or a pat on the back for any help or advice I gave to the A's in my life either. Never. (mostly because they never asked for it. I will be honest, when anyone gives me unsolicited advice, I don't like it either. That's just the way I am.)
But when I do what I believe is my HP's will, and I make myself a channel or an instrument for His will, I don't need thanks, and I know you don't either. My program taught me that it's all about His will, not mine, but I often forget. My disease loves to tell me that I have power, and I always suffer under that illusion. If and when you get any gratitude, you can direct it all to your HP, from where all good things come. You opened your door and gave all your love.... all the workings of a great, compassionate higher power.
When my health suffers, I must pay attention. I must practice something different because I KNOW it is not my HP's will for me to cause anyone any harm, including myself.
I loved my meditation page yesterday:
"The eternal God is thy refuge." He is a sanctuary , a refuge from the cares of life. You can get away from the misunderstanding of others by retiring into your own place of meditation. But from yourself, from your sense of failure, your weakness, your shortcomings, whither can you flee? Only to the eternal God, your refuge, until the immensity of His spirit envelops your spirit and it loses its smallness and weakness and comes into harmony again with His."
I pray that your health is restored and your spirit be in harmony with your HP. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 1st of December 2010 02:45:13 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
As I re-read your post, I realized that I do not agree with how we should handle family problems... how we "must learn to cope" and we are "on the same team." I'm not sure who wrote this, but my feeling is, it's not authored by an expert in addiction. That may be peachy advice for a perfectly normal family, but for me... that is not where I come from. I experienced plenty of abuse, and they are NOT going to change.
Sick families sometimes just cannot get along. Sometimes they have to detach. The ideal is to detach with love. But sometimes, that is just not possible. Sometimes you have to detach at all costs.
When my health was affected, I had to detach at all costs. Some may not agree with me, but our disease can end in insanity or death, as well. Thank HP, that in recovery... I have choices. (((hugs)))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
