The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Not planning anything or considering the possiblity of divorce at this time. But I'm wondering how divorce fits into our recovery process from Al Anon's perspective? Is it something that can be considered a natural step in the process of working on us?
Every circumstance is different. Doesnt it also depend on whether the alcoholic is truly recovering or whats workable. I lived with the alcoholic for 26 years, in that 26 years, maybe if you put it all together there was a year of sobriety . He just continued to get more insane as time went on. He still drinks to this day. That wasnt the life I had pictured for myself and it was bad on the health.
Some woman may not have gone as long as me, some have gone longer. There is no set answer. Alanon is here to help us make the best choices for our own lives. As long as we keep working and learning the philosophy of Alanon, thats the important thing and to have no regrets in the process.
Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 29th of November 2010 12:14:58 PM
They do say in the program to work the program for at least 6 months before making any life changing decisions. Your perseptions and your growth will have changed dramically during that time. So give yourself time to keep working on you and see where that leads you Blessings
I am divorced. While my ex-H is not an A, he is a raging co-dependent, and many of the tools I've learned here and in Al Anon have been incredibly useful in dealing with him to this day, and in putting his past behavior in perspective. In hindsight, I believe that had I been working the Al Anon program back then, we still would have divorced, because the situation had deteriorated to the point where none of my boundaries were being honored. As in most divorces, there was plenty of blame to go around during the end of my first marriage. My ex did not want the divorce, and I have dealt with a lot of guilt surrounding that, and surrounding some of my own mistakes. However, I am getting better at living by the adage: we are not defined by our worst mistakes.
The process of divorce is heart-wrenching, even when you KNOW it is the right thing for everyone (which I knew). It truly is like a death, and if you decide to divorce, there will be some very dark days. I will share with you what I share with anyone who is contemplating divorce, or who is going through divorce: on the worst days, it helped me a lot to remember that in a year, I would be a million percent happier. And now, with Al Anon, I also tell people that if they choose not to divorce, working on themselves (instead of trying to fix their spouses) will also almost surely lead to a happier existence.
It is such a personal, difficult decision, and you are clearly a very thoughtful person. Have faith in your ability to make the best choices for yourself, and to decide if divorce will be a part of your own journey to emotional health. And no matter what you decide, take an hour to contact a family law attorney, just so you have a basic outline of the things you should consider in your state/county. Most attorneys will consult with you for an hour or so at no charge.
Hi Usedto be. I'm in the early steps of alanon and my AH is still an active alcoholic although he is going to AA almost daily and has about 7 different doctors and specialists working with him (due to a stay in a psych ward as a result of suicidal thought) and admits he's powerless, or says the words anyway.
I think the fact that hes doing all the right stuff has made this harder on me (despite the fact that Im doing well in working this program and trying to focus on me, detach with love and establish boundaries)but its, at the same time, gotten harder for me because Ive become more scared, hopeless, and worried that hes getting worse while trying to get better...
This has made me think about what divorce would look like should I ever decide to go thought with it, its made me consider it as a possibility down the road; its also scared the crap out of me and made me really really sad.
Ive thought about things like what would sleeping alone be like, where would I live, would I get an apartment or could I afford a house, how could I ever live without him, how could I ever be with another man!, what will his family think, will they hate me, and most of all, I think: how could I ever possibly say goodbye to the unbelievably amazing man I fell head of heels in love with. The mad who used to make me laugh, who laughed with me, who supported me, loved me, encouraged me, surprised me with flowers, listened to me when I spoke then acted on what he heard and did nice things, the man who gave me his shoulder to lean on when I had a bad day, the man who massaged me when I was sore, the man who loved my daughter like his own, the man who gave up a night out with his friends to stay home and make me chicken noodle soup when I was sick..the list goes on and on, I just cannot yet imagine not being with him.
But, he has this alternate (drunk) personality now that I cannot live with for much longer. I miss the man I fell in love with. But, I also miss the old me.and Im trying to get her back, get my life back, get my confidence back..so, who knows how Ill feel when that truly happens.
Im not sure if divorce can be considered a natural step in the process of working on usI suspect for some it is, and others, it isnt. ..
A simple suggestion would be another "D" word...Work on Deeeeetachment before thinking about using Deeeeevorce. It is a form of divorce but not permanent, works best one day at a time and has much better wholistic consequences. (((hugs)))
I don't think it's a "natural" step, if "natural" means inevitable. The goal of Alanon is to find peace and contentment, whether the alcoholic still drinks or not. For some, peace and contentment is possible living with active alcoholism. For others it is not. It is not a one-size-fits-all program, and there is nothing in the Alanon literature that advocates divorce.
The reason I got to thinking about it, other than the obvious, is that I was such a different person when I met my wife and proposed to her. Not that I didn't love her and not that I don't still love her. It's just that being part of Al Anon has taught me a lot about how to life a healthy, happy, productive life. Things I didn't really know when I first met my wife.
For example, I knew my wife was needy and emotional and a bit clingy when I met her. But that was appealing to me at the time. I thought "I'll be her rock, I'll be the one who will make her feel comfortable and happy and finally feel good about herself. What a great feeling that will be! Everything will be better in her life once we get married". That wasn't the only reason why I proposed but it was one of the things that I thought about. I now know how misguided that was, and I think if I had this knowledge 6+ years ago when I proposed I might have done things differently...
Great awareness of your deep motives when you first decided to marry. The motives were very similar to mine and the Fairy Tale romances I loved to read The knight in shinning armour always rescuing the beautiful delicate princess I must confess I too was looking for that knight and wanted to be the princess. It is a beautiful dream
Al Anon says there is nothing wrong with being a strong , supportive, understanding and compassionate partner In order to do that we MUST first learn how to take care of ourselves, our needs and wants and then reach out to others.
I know that before al anon I did not know how to take care of myself in a constructive manner and therefore I tried to care for others.
Your wife is seeking recovery, she will also change as your actions and attitudes change. It truly is a day at a time program. as you can see by all you have learned so far.
Please trust the process and keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 29th of November 2010 09:20:41 PM
Al-Anon has no opinion on divorce , looking after ourselves dosent have to lead to divorce sometimes there is just too much to fix or if we can stick it out two happy people working thier own programs have a chance . you chose your wife for a reason focus on the things that drew you to her in the first place , thier still there hidding behind alcoholism there will come a time when you make a decission your either in or out of this relationship , hopefully u jump back in with both feet , one foot in and one out just dosent work . I personally felt that I owed our marriage a try with this program I made a commitment to work it for one yr and if things werent better i would leave , the yr came and went he drank for another 2 yrs before commiting to sobriety - that was 20 yrs ago .
-- Edited by abbyal on Tuesday 30th of November 2010 02:39:54 AM
